Please help - urgent help needed re leaving abusive husband and how to handle it best for the dc

[Shambambolista]

Sorry posting for traffic

I absolutely have to leave. Tonight he has called me a number of names been v aggressive, thrown my possessions around etc. Nothing new. I have to go, I know that.

I am looking for a rental in our area that I could afford to pay for.

I broached it with ds 5 how would he feel if we didn't live with daddy and he said good. Then he got upset when I said we would need to leave our house, me him and his little sister. He wants to stay. I explained that I would need to leave and he would come with me and visit his dad whenever he wanted. I'm not sure I did the right thing. Please help.

[Shambambolista]

Gosh thanks for the supportive posts - tears over here.
I did phone 101 and spoke to a lovely police officer who said that the behavior towards me was assault (when he spat at me last week) and the verbal abuse and destruction of my things were offences. I didn't make a report but feel more confident that if worse happens I've got a plan. Looking at immediately available lettings. So scared of it all, tell me it's the right thing to do

[CluckingBelle]

You are doing tge right thing. This is the hardest bit. Once you are out the next few weeks may be filled with emotional turmoil while you get things straight in your head. Hold onto the fact that as your children grow up they will not have to see your husband's treatment of you, and think it is normal.
Then, gradually, things will become easier. You will be able to relax in your own home, make your own choices as opposed to revolving your life around keeping him in a good mood. Your children's lives will be happier as there will be no tiptoeing, arguing and bad feeling.

There are good times ahead.

[sliceofsoup]

Please please don't blame yourself. This is not your fault and is not happening because of anything you have or have not done, no matter what your husband says.

Have a look at this page on the WA website...

link

Police have really improved their handling of domestic abuse since even 5 years ago. Your local force may even have a dedicated unit with officers specially trained for this.

He does not have to put his hands on you for it to be abuse, but it WILL escalate. It WILL get worse.

I'm actually a nice person

No one here thinks otherwise. The fact you feel you have to even say that is testament to the shit this guy is putting you through.

Don't feel terrible about talking to your 5 year old about it. That wasn't my intention in my first post btw. Sometimes we just don't know what to do or what is for the best. You are in a confused and emotional state, its understandable.

You can do this, you are so brave for recognising that this is not normal, and for wanting to leave.

[99percentchocolate]

You are doing the right thing.


I would say more, but that's all you need to know. Keep telling yourself that.

[sliceofsoup]

xposts OP. That is great that you called 101.

You are so strong!! This is the right thing to do. He spat at you! That is vile vile behaviour.

Is there anyone in RL you can get to help you with moving? Dad? Brother?

People will want to help, you don't have to do this alone.

[FeelTheNoise]

Well done for speaking to police! Ask for a referral for a DV support worker, and they can help you seek the injunctions you need. I left XP while 8 months pregnant, I got a non molestation order, then had the occupation order through court. I'm now back home, waiting for baby to arrive, and XP and his awful family can't get near me. You can do this!!! X

[Shambambolista]

Thank you all. Tearing up again reading your posts. Its not right it's not normal its not OK is it? I know I've got to do it I'm just so scared of the smallest things like leaving lots of things behind, as he is very attached to material things so I'll only be able to take the things I've been explicitly gifted by my family.

[Shambambolista]

Thank you for inspirational posts! I can do this!

[kittybiscuits]

You can do this. Well done for calling the police x

[Shambambolista]

Thank you. I'm so scared of pulling my family apart. I'm so tired and stressed and the thought of moving is overwhelming.

[kittybiscuits]

You won't pull your family apart. You will save your family from a toxic relationship. It's a huge thing, and even though it's so stressful, you will manage it. You and your children will be happier in the future.

[GloGirl]

Sometimes the easiest path is to stay still.

Doesn't make it the best one.

Try visualising where you would like to be in a year's time. What you look like, what you wear, what your general routine is.

If you wake up tomorrow and do the same as always, how will that change happen?

[Baconyum]

Please please contact wa and get out asap. As pp have said this is dangerous for you now you've said you're leaving.

Things are just things, your personal safety is never more important, would you run around collecting things if there were a fire in the house or grab your child and get the hell out? This is the same.

You can rebuild (another one who knows and has done it) dd was 2.

In a year when you have your new home, safety and peace of mind you will be so pleased with yourself.

stay safe

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

And get lawyered up, too! Right now, your head is in too much the fog to realise that even the material things go into the marital pot, to be divided.

Don't get me wrong: I agree with other posters who say that tour and tour DC's safety are THE most important thing, but that doesn't necessarily mean you lose everything. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing he must have threatened you in the past that you'll only be "allowed" to take your family heirlooms and none of the things "he bought".

Untrue. If you're married it's all family money! And that's why you need a lawyer.

Women's Aid may have lawyer suggestions that are specifically trained in domestic abuse issues.

[Shambambolista]

Thank you all. My head is spinning it's true. I don't know for sure I am doing the right thing and feel so to blame. I can't even envisage where I'd like to be in a year- I guess it is easier just to stay but I know I cant. I sent him an email today detailing his behavior over the past 3 weeks alone describing each act of intimidation , naming it as assault, criminal damage, verbal assault etc which the police officer told me all the things he has been doing is. I said I would make a report and get a restraining order if it continued. I don't know if that was the right thing to do.
I have a house viewing at 3pm, which is available from Oct 5.
Am I making a big deal? Should I try harder? I was shaking this morning after he called me 'nothing but a bitch' over and over again. My head and heart are in different places but I've finally taken my wedding ring off.

[Shambambolista]

I have a friend of a friend who is a divorce lawyer who has said I can get in touch anytime.

[petalsandstars]

Speak to the lawyer. Asap

[Shambambolista]

What will I say to a lawyer and how will they help? Sorry to be so wet

[Bogeyface]

What you say is that you want a divorce and why. You detail that you are scared of him and his abuse and you want protection. You say that you dont want to lose your rights to the marital assets (do you have any savings or pensions? If you have get as much info as you can on them now before he hides them) including furniture and household goods (again, make a list with photos in case these things "disappear" and keep it out of the house).

They will help by preventing him selling or disposing of anything that is joint property. By dealing with child custody issues (he will threaten to go for full residency, dont worry, they all do this when they realise they are losing control).

But be careful.

Abusive men are at their most dangerous when they know that they are about to lose control over you. Thats when the physical aggression can get worse. Keep your phone on you at all times, keep it charged and dont be afraid to call 999 if he starts. They wont belittle you, they wont think you are wasting their time.

Clear your internet history on your phone, pc, laptop etc. Dont store passwords to anything on your devices and use private browsing.

Be careful and take care x

[summerwinterton]

And don't tell him any more. You calling him on his abuse will likely make him worse. He isn't going to change because you name it.

You have to realise he is not your friend and is not on your side. Protect yourself and your DC by not telling him anything. He is no longer privy to your plans.

[Baconyum]

Oh goodness I really wish you hadnt sent that email.

Where are you both now? What's the situation now? Are you safe?

Yes go to lawyer say you want divorce because of abuse. Say what he's threatened re goods. You've had good advice please please take it.

[GloGirl]

Please phone 101 at any time

[GloGirl]

Or 999 x

[Shambambolista]

Hi I am safe. He asked about the house viewing and I said it went OK. He said he still wanted to make it work and he's been a lot nicer. I know I must sound so naive but I don't think he is a terrible person who will hurt me badly- I think he loses his temper and lashes out. I still wish I could make it work. I just don't know what to do and I know I sound pathetic.

[Shambambolista]

The house I saw was too small to fit a washing machine and dryer, or the dishwasher.. and I came home and it's got more room and well, home. and I know I'm being an idiot .... The thought of the decision I need to make and the impact it will have is terrifying I guess.