Please help - urgent help needed re leaving abusive husband and how to handle it best for the dc

[Shambambolista]

Sorry posting for traffic

I absolutely have to leave. Tonight he has called me a number of names been v aggressive, thrown my possessions around etc. Nothing new. I have to go, I know that.

I am looking for a rental in our area that I could afford to pay for.

I broached it with ds 5 how would he feel if we didn't live with daddy and he said good. Then he got upset when I said we would need to leave our house, me him and his little sister. He wants to stay. I explained that I would need to leave and he would come with me and visit his dad whenever he wanted. I'm not sure I did the right thing. Please help.

[BertieBotts]

Oh OP really sorry I didn't come back last night - didn't mean to make you feel bad :( Just wanted to let you know of the potential danger.

Unfortunately the super-nice thing is also pretty typical after an incident - it will go one of two ways. Normally they do super nice and tend to say anything - some men suddenly come out with gestures that you've been asking/willing them for for months or years, some offer to go to counselling or anger management, some cry and express their regret. All, unfortunately, engineered to make YOU feel guilty because, of course, you want to give them a chance. That's natural, of course it is. You fell in love with him and created a family with him and you wouldn't have done that if he was a total monster. None of them truly are. The danger is that when he loses his temper and lashes out, he's not really in control and unfortunately he really could hurt you badly. Even by accident - what if he threw something heavy and it hit you by mistake?

When your five year old tells you that he would be happier living away from Dad that is a wake up call. Please, please listen. The gestures and the niceness and apologies and regret are just too little, too late - you will right now want to cling onto any crumb of hope, and that is dangerous, because he'll be dishing out hope in spades. What he really needed to do was make those changes earlier.

The dangerous part comes after the nice. When he realises the nice act hasn't worked and you're not going to come crawling back then the anger comes back and the danger ramps up. That's also when you see his true colours. It's very sad.

Even if you do want things to work out, you need to spend some time apart and he needs to spend some decent time in therapy for himself. Not for you, not for the kids but for him, and it's hardcore stuff - not six weeks with an NHS counsellor kind of thing. You also can't research or sort it out for him, because it needs to come from him directly.

[Baconyum]

"he's been a lot nicer" you still need to be careful. Of course they're nice sometimes or you wouldn't be conned into staying for so long in fact you wouldn't have made it to 2nd date.

Lots of violent people are later assessed to be narcissistic/sociopathic. Highly intelligent and skilled in behaving as society expects yet devoid or lacking empathy.

[BertieBotts]

And if you are feeling guilty, by the way - DON'T. It's NOT you who has caused this state of things. It is NOT your totally out of the blue decision to leave - it's a decision you have made forcibly because of the safety of your children and your own mental health. You don't owe him another shot at this. You don't owe him any more chances - he has had plenty, by the sounds of it. You don't owe him anything. You have already put up with lots more than you should have had to, and he has not done anything to address it.

You are doing absolutely the right thing in keeping things moving, making records, telling people. It is the easiest thing after a shocking event to try to move on and pretend it never happened. You are amazingly brave to be standing up and saying actually no, this time it did happen and it does matter. It makes it easier when you keep talking about it and keep doing things that reinforce that it wasn't something normal and it does warrant action. Still, you will have moments when you wonder if you're overreacting or being ridiculous. Please know that you aren't, this is serious.

[Shambambolista]

Thank you for taking the time to write such helpful, compassionate posts. I tried to talk again to him last night, to say how sorry I was things had come to this and to almost say- could we grieve together? Could we be friends? He told me he didn't need to listen to me anymore and that I could fuck off. I said it was his choice to speak to me like that, but I would continue to try to be amicable and equitable. I took my first citalopram last night and felt optimistic this morning, and then shaky. Very nervous but will offer on the rental I saw, although not really suitable first thing Monday morning.

[Shambambolista]

Have a wonderful friend who is helping me to realise that he is emotionally abusing me, that it won't change and it will destroy me.

[Shambambolista]

He's just come down looking upset and reached out to hold my hand- first physical contact for a long time. I know I have to be strong.

[FusionChefGeoff]

Be strong OP this would be a terrible way to live your life - and a disaster for your children.

Get out and make that step.

I love the pp who says that home is where you are. Take heart from all those positive stories about other women who have rebuilt their lives.

Read your earlier posts if you are wavering - no-one should have to live like that and it's within your power to change it.

[Shambambolista]

Yes I will. Will take the house first thing tomo. The estate agent asked all about my income and I explained I was on a good part time salary (20K pro rata before tax, 2.5 days) with a guarantor and good credit history... He seemed unsure if that would be enough for the house which is 875 a month... I will claim some hb but will they know that/ mind/ reject me? Nervous about paying out letting agent fees if um going to fail

[Shambambolista]

Sorry so take home before I text my tax limit is 1600 a month

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He's being nicer because he's panicking that he will lose whatever it is that he gets out of having you live with him under his thumb.
He's hoovering. It's the stage in the cycle of abuse where the abuser hovers you back in with sweet gestures and empty promises. Of course you want desperately to believe that this is a permanent change but of course if you think back the cycle just perpetuates over and over.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

£20k pro rata so £10k? Sorry to say that won't be enough probably, not without a guarantor. Also it's best not to mention getting housing benefit top ups to letting agents as that can rule you right out.

[summerwinterton]

I think that rental is too pricey, and you say it isn't suitable too. I would keep looking for something else rather than grabbing the first thing available.

[Shambambolista]

Its the cheapest I've found and I've been looking but thank you for all posts xxx

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Going into a refuge would give you a route to accessible housing.

[Shambambolista]

Sorry that's 40k pro rata

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Oh that's a lot better. Can you increase your hours at work at all? Try to jump over the lha threshold and you will find renting easier.

[pocketsaviour]

If you're on 20k then 875 is tricky but doable, and you should get child tax credit I'd think, plus HB top up. I wouldn't mention the HB. 20k/year should be enough. I take it you're in the south? You may need to look at a 2-bed if this one is a 2-bed, and your DC bunk in together for now. Not ideal I know especially when you've been used to the space and appliances that you have, but it's the old saying "needs must" for now.

Once you're settled and things have calmed down, you can look for something more suitable at your leisure, and will have plenty of time to find exactly the right place for you all.

On the emotional side of things, I strongly suggest you call WA for advice, just to talk to people who know what you're going through. Also please try to sign up on the Freedom Programme. It will help when you have a wobble and he's dialled up the niceness temporarily. Spoiler: when the niceness doesn't work, you'll either get "I'm killing myself" or "I'll tell SS you're an unfit mother because DS fell over once/you've been on antidepressants/you have a glass of wine once a week, and I'm getting 100% residency". Ignore both of these.

See that solicitor this week, and please do confide in people in RL as well, just sharing the burden can make it feel so much lighter.

[pocketsaviour]

You may need to look at a 2-bed if this one is a 3-bed

[Shambambolista]

Great advice pocket - I will do as you suggest and call wa. The place is a 2 bed. Yes I will also sign up to the freedom programme and yes I hear all about my 'heavy drinking' - which is a gin and tonic in the eve . Are people speaking from personal or professional experience of this kind of thing? If personal is the only option always and without question to leave?

[99percentchocolate]

How did you get on today op?

[Shambambolista]

Hi there thanks for thinking of me. As posters said he cried, he said I'd be lonely why would I do it to the children... I agreed to try. I sent him an email outlining what we agreed and saying I'd leave if no change... He told me he feels justified in escalating the arguments so much because he feels so wronged by me in general. I'm awake shaking knowing I have to leave and so scared of doing it and so worried about my kids. I know I have to go but even thinking of how I'd physically move us out is making me panic and not want to do it. Day 3 of the citilopram and I feel woozy and nuaseous and can't sleep. I don't understand why I'm not being stronger, more assertive, living my life how I know it would be better. Also just sat in amazement listening to how he did everything posters said he would. I have a friend who has been so helpful to me, telling me its wrong that he is a narcissistic abuser .... I just don't understand why I'm not running for the door. I still want to keep my family together despite the ill ease and fear I feel. I know I can only help myself I just can't quite believe how wrong it all is. Dear baby daughter waking up now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Have you got real life support in place yet?
If I knew a friend or family member was going through this and was keeping it to themselves I would feel really bad that they thought they couldn't come to me.
Please get a friend involved.
Or family.
It's really important.

[Shambambolista]

My mum knows and my rl friend has been beyond amazing. Went to confirm I wanted the house and it looks like my income is below the threshold but letting agent checking with ll as planning to full time when DD 9 months is a bit older. Still, a very stressful hurdle. H is being nice, expansive, caring.... Etc. I've said I think he deserves better and I want to leave. He doesn't believe me.