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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he just isnt that into me - is he?

53 replies

vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 22:13

been seeing someone for almost a year.

he is buying his own place and i will be keeping mine - he always said he wanted to take things slowly. no problem.

he is difficult at the best of times. complex. closed.

discussion the other day ended up making me think its time to cut and run.

we were talking about the future.
he says that on his retirement ( much sooner than mine) he will be emigrating.
he then says i can come and visit him at weekends as i will need to continue working to get my pension.
then he pauses and asks me how i will pay my rent with only my pension?

i wont retire for 17 years.

futures definitely not orange on this one is it?

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 06/09/2015 22:17

Not exactly a great romancer is he?! I'm all for taking it slow but if he doesn't see you living together within the next 17 years then I would say he probably not a keeper

Hassled · 06/09/2015 22:19

The future is absolutely not orange. Apart from not being that into you, you're not really selling him with "difficult at the best of times". Move on - there must be people less pension-obsessed out there.

janethegirl2 · 06/09/2015 22:21

I'd see how the relationship goes, but I certainly think it may not work out in the way you want. But you are forewarned!!

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 22:23

errr....romancer isnt what i or anyone who knows this man would describe him as - no.

joviality aside im a little sad. i sort of thought we would build a future together however slow it needed to be.

i think i just had a reality check.

OP posts:
virgospirit · 06/09/2015 22:27

He sees himself as single, he's doing it on his own.

Hassled · 06/09/2015 22:27

You're bound to be sad - a year is a long time to invest in someone. You just have to hang on to the fact that if it doesn't work out, you still had some good times along the way and you developed a better idea of what you want/need in a relationship. So it wasn't a wasted year.

Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 22:30

Oh this is upsetting. I think you already know what you should do. You deserves someone who will be a partnership with you, not run off and leave you to fend for yourself. Know one can tell you what to do but you should know that what he said wasn't very nice, it wasn't what you would expect after a year. Good luck with making your mind up, but I would run the other way, it will be hard but I think once one door closes another opens or he might not want to lose you and step up.

maras2 · 06/09/2015 23:01

Where the heck is he emigrating to if you can visit on weekends? [Confused]

maras2 · 06/09/2015 23:04

Sorry should have use lower case Confused

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 23:07

really mara....europe is a very short hop away on a plane these days.
thats not really the issue.

OP posts:
britneyspearscatsuit · 06/09/2015 23:14

I don't think from the sounds of it he's sees anything odd about the way he looks at things ..... so I'd not say he wasn't into you as he's planning to be with you for life....just sounds like he never wants to be a proper couple.

I couldn't live with that though...can you?

Costacoffeeplease · 06/09/2015 23:15

No, not a keeper, yes, cut and run, good luck

goddessofsmallthings · 06/09/2015 23:16

Has he left his allegedly sexless relationship with his dp of some 17/18 years, or is he planning to buy a place of his own before breaking the news to her?

Come on, Vic - there no future for you with him. Isn't it about time you clawed back some self-respect and stopped flogging this dead horse?

Blodss · 06/09/2015 23:19

It doesn't sound like you are happy with the future that is mapped out for you so you know the answer within yourself. He may care for you but he loves his own life the way it is much more.

cozietoesie · 06/09/2015 23:23

It sounds as if he sees you as some sort of adjunct to whom he needs to be vaguely polite - and not as an integral part of his life. I think I'd be looking for a little more than that after this time.

You're right - it is sad-making. I'd still walk though.

TenQuidProQuo · 06/09/2015 23:23

Oh dear Vicar, you were only talking babies the other day. Sad

It's not sounding like it's going well. You've not really been with him that long - do you think you should just cut your losses. Maybe you need to give yourself some time on your own. You have had a turbulent year.

daisychain01 · 06/09/2015 23:30

What a toe-rag to talk to you like that! If he doesn't see a future with you, that's one thing, but to break it to you by talking about moving away when he retires, he gets a big fat Biscuit for that!

Cut and run, and tell him to shove It where sun doesn't shine while he's at it!

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 23:31

i agree i need time alone i think.

he did leave. thats not the issue either.

maybe i gave him the impetus to do that - but its not me he wants. i think thats obvious.

babies....no.
id have settled for a future.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/09/2015 23:34

It sounds as if he wants his future with himself - nothing to do with you, I reckon. I doubt whether anyone else would manage to fit into his world view.

ClarissaAllbright · 06/09/2015 23:38

God again?!?! Why do you keep posting about this man? The advice won't change. No he isn't that bothered about you , no he won't change his mind and yes you are wasting your time and your life. You have sadly become one of those posters who just post repeatedly about the same subject and then say you're leaving the thread and then you start another one a week later

Just try and gather up your dignity and stop all this nonsense. You're not 15. Stop settling for the pathetic crumbs he throws you.

The best thing he could do would be to emigrate and not give you his address

Sorry to sound harsh but honestly .. It's really odd that you keep doing this

Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 23:40

I agree, I understand how you feel, I'm probably not the best person to give any advice but I think he isn't thinking about you or your relationship at all. I think saying you can visit is wrong, why can't he wait and go with you. Why can't you plan a future together, why is he wanting to leave what you have? I don't understand why he thinks this is ok. You need some time to think about what you want and if he isn't giving you that then cut your loses, before you waste another year on this guy.

goddessofsmallthings · 06/09/2015 23:48

Where's he living? Has he moved in with you?

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 23:49

can i just say this is my life. god not again? feel free not to comment. ive been on mn since 2007 and during that time i like to think ive contributed and helped people when they needed it.
i dont need berating and calling and being made to feel worse. this is one year out of 8 that ive needed help relationship wise. ive been off mn for months and this is exactly why. i dont need judging. i need advice. the sort ive given freely for years without judgement.
i realise i have gone for someone who has made me feel exactly has my abusive stepfather made me feel as a child. its not nonsense. its my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
vicarinatutu · 06/09/2015 23:50

im deregging. forget this. while i have an account its too tempting to ask for help.

ill stick with what i know.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 06/09/2015 23:53

Don't stick with him, Vic - it'll only lead to more pain and hurt for you and you deserve a lot better than a rerun of your childhood.

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