he just isnt that into me - is he?

[vicarinatutu]

been seeing someone for almost a year.

he is buying his own place and i will be keeping mine - he always said he wanted to take things slowly. no problem.

he is difficult at the best of times. complex. closed.

discussion the other day ended up making me think its time to cut and run.

we were talking about the future.
he says that on his retirement ( much sooner than mine) he will be emigrating.
he then says i can come and visit him at weekends as i will need to continue working to get my pension.
then he pauses and asks me how i will pay my rent with only my pension?

i wont retire for 17 years.

futures definitely not orange on this one is it?

[Ledkr]

Pribsbky should apologise for my sarky comment "Clarissa* I have not seen her other threads.
I'm shocked, she has always come over so together, what a pity.
I guess IT could happen to us all tho.
I am always bemused at people's surprise when someone who is happy to cheat on his family turns out to be a twat.

[AnyFucker]

It's always pretty obvious, tbh. The situation really is that dire and that black/white, you would have to seriously fudge the details. And I don't think that is Vic's style.

I haven't replied to your last few threads, Vic, because I don't know what to say to you that doesn't start to look like kicking you when you are down. And the fact is, you are making a shit-hot job of that all by yourself right now

[TenQuidProQuo]

The thread about wanting a baby with this guy was only a month ago.

Its all a bit car crash TV.

Starting threads like this late at night is always going to end badly.

I know some posters are happy to be so easily identifiable but I don't think it's a good idea for posters like Vicar. It's not fair on the other people involved (Adult kids, partners etc) and I don't think it's sensible for her.

It's probably for the best if she goes ahead with the dereg. There is nothing wrong with rejoining and posting under a new name for some impartial advice if she needs it. Maybe change a few details so that it's not obvious who is posting.

[TheIncomparableDejahThoris]

babies....no.
id have settled for a future.

Oh, I remember that thread too. Anyway, the picture you paint of him as a potential father is not so flattering now. I agree you should cut your losses.

[ClarissaAllbright]

I haven't got issues CatfromJapan. This isn't about me as I'm not the one posting the problem. Honestly, Vicar has had dozens of these threads under different names. She had an affair with him ( I make no judgement on that incidentally ) , lost her marriage over him, nearly lost her job due to all her very identifying posts and her mental health is suffering . For what ? Some bloke who's not fussed and that is the long and short of it

There's none so blind as those that can't see

[AnyFucker]

limerence is a cruel companion

it wrecks lives and makes fools of us

Vic, I know you are still reading. Ultimately, you have the control to get your life back on track. But while you are still in thrall to this man, it won't happen

How much more of this can your self respect take ? How much more of your own innate common sense can you quash ?

I sense a breakdown coming for you. Now would not be the time to walk away from MN because one poster said what others on here and in RL hesitate to say

You were very quick to flounce, Vic. You have been on MN long enough to have seen this before. You looked for a reason to get up in arms and there you had it...if it wasn't Clarissa it would have been someone else

So, off you go and find some comfort and understanding in the outer orbit of this cold and cruel man. Except it isn't there, and never was. Your countless threads in different names attest to that. How low will you go before you wake up ?

[ENtertainmentAppreciated]

On the offchance you're reading this Vicar can I respond to
europe is a very short hop away on a plane these days
thats not really the issue

It would absolutely be an issue for me if someone I wanted to think of as my partner announced that at some point in the future he was going to live abroad and I could be a visitor

I haven't read any of your other threads about this man but when I read
he is difficult at the best of times. complex. closed
Difficult and closed would mean I wasn't looking forward to a future with him anyway. Complex may or may not be something to live with, but if he's difficult and closed now then that doesn't bode very well does it.

For myself I want a partner who adds to my life the same as I add to theirs, not someone I'm second guessing. All the time you're with someone you're not sure of, the more you're restricting your chances of finding someone who you're happy with.

It reads to me as though you know what you need to do, but you just haven't yet reached the place where you can take the initiative and do it.
Some people will, understandably, be frustrated when a poster in your position is hurting but doesn't make any apparent progress, other people will be more patient or reticent and try to support you through to the time when you've finally had enough and call time.

Ultimately though, as you well know, the rest of the world can only say so much and the actions are up to you, even people who love and care for you in everyday life will have a limit where the only advice they can offer you is to 'put up or shut up' You seem to know exactly the state of your relationship so really it's only a matter of time before friends start to spell it out that way to your face.

[maras2]

Such a shame though.

[sliceofsoup]

This isn't Clarissa's fault. I read the OP, saw it was vicar and thought not again. It wasn't that long ago there was a long thread and vicar was in a very bad way over this man.

Clarissa's posts caused this reaction because deep down vicar knows they are true.

The fact is, vicar posts these threads and I don't think she even knows what answers she wants or expects. No, this man is not that into her. She has been told this many times, and still she is going round in circles. And sadly, the length of time she has been on mn or the number of people she has helped does not change the situation, or require us to sugar coat anything for her.

The sooner she backs away from this man and re builds herself emotionally, the better.

[SongBird16]

OW gets dumped. Boo hoo. Just funny how they're always surprised.

[Twinklestein]

I don't think it's fair to blame Clarissa for this flounce.

She's just telling like it is.

Vicar asks for advice but doesn't want to hear the truth.

I wish you well Vicar, you really need to end this relationship.

[Blodss]

Is he the married man who you were having an affair with at work? Could it be that you were the catalyst for him leaving his wife but that you are not enough for him to want to commit to for the rest of your lives? If he were really wanting to be with you then he would be doing everything in his power to bring the two of you together and that includes plans for old age too. Sorry, he is not as invested in this as you are.

[Ledkr]

Nice work clarissa

[trackrBird]

^^what goddess said.

Remember you can name change. Sometimes it makes life easier to do that.

Take care of yourself

[thecatfromjapan]

Clarissa - you have issues.

[thecatfromjapan]

You must be feeling really low right now. There's nothing like a bad relationship to put you through the wringer.

You WILL find better. You really will. And it will be great - everything you wanted and needed. You're going to have to go through a period of pain and ... mourning, I guess ... before you get to that better relationship. But it's going to come to you.

Really, really sorry this one didn't work out. It's horrible when it doesn't. And it is so, so hard to take those first steps to acknowledge the bad one's over, and to get yourself set up for the next step. good luck.

[Intheprocess]

The only rule for the 21st relationship is simply "what works is what works". This doesn't work for you, so you're going to have to bring it to an end. Sorry. :(

[TenQuidProQuo]

OP, you are a very memorable poster and I always notice your posts. I feel I know a lot you as you give a lot of information about yourself. You might find that if you re-register as a new anonymous MN'ers then you might get more impartial and useful advice.

Another tip would be to wait and have a good think about what you are trying to achieve when you start a thread. I'm not sure hasty late night thread starting is a good idea. Iykwim

[goddessofsmallthings]

No-one is ridiculing you, Vic.

You've got a lot of friends on this site who've benefitted from your advice and there are many others who can relate to your honesty and your vulnerability and who want the very best for you, which is not what you're getting from this deeply flawed relationship - and you know it, don't you?

Take some time out by all means, but please come back because you're needed here and this site can help you as much as you've helped others.

[AlfAlf]

In all fairness, you're being v condescending Clarissa.

Vicar, fwiw I don't think you're 'silly' for trying to make sense of a confusing relationship (Surely that's a big part of what relationships is for?). He sounds a bit of a cold fish and he certainly isn't offering much. You clearly want (and deserve) more so I think yes, it's time to cut your losses.

[ClarissaAllbright]

What do you want ? It's not advice . Is it just hair stroking ? It's just sad to see a woman let some bloke treat her like this. What advice would you give your daughter

[lorelei9]

"then he pauses and asks me how i will pay my rent with only my pension?"

bit unsure about the relevance of this, or was he just asking out of interest?

if there is no commitment of any kind.....seeing each other for a year doesn't mean anything, it can be casual and go on for years. If you want commitment, you need to move on.

[vicarinatutu]

i have rl friends who can support me through this.
ive been away from mn for a while. this is exactly why. ive had the email that says they are dealing with the request.
i am too fragile for this. i have some wonderful friends who are honest but lovely.
if i have an account here i will always be tempted to return, id rather not do that.

ill work this out alone without judgment or ridicule.

[ClarissaAllbright]

You can yes

We will see you in week or so

It's very silly to flounce over a brusque post

[vicarinatutu]

since i have requested to dereg can i just say fuck off. thanks.