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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so deeply unhappy.

61 replies

asdfghjklzxcvbnm · 04/09/2015 23:35

Posting here, don't know where else to post.

31 weeks pregnant, living with partner who makes £30,000 a year.

I have a job that makes £15,000 a year, but due to pregnancy related illness I'm signed off, only on Statutory Sick Pay now, and unable to return before maternity leave. I will not get maternity pay, maternity statutory pay, or maternity allowance because I wasn't earning in my test period. Zilch.

I want to leave him. We have separate finances, I live in HIS house so pay no rent/bills but only have SSP to live on, a grand total of £280?ish a month. I have £30 to last me the next 25 days.

I'm not entitled to ANY benefits whilst living here because they take him into consideration and the fact he earns 30,000+ yet (although I can't work because I'm pregnant with OUR baby we've still split everything 50/50 and I have £300 to live on per month, another issue thoughtless man) and I don't have any money to private rent or move out. I have no family to stay with. I literally don't know what to do.

Has anyone any advice? I don't think that I would keep going if it wasn't for this baby. I love her, she's my whole world, she has the perfect nursery here, everything she could ever want for, but I can imagine myself being chucked out and need a stable home.

OP posts:

ThomasRichard · 04/09/2015 23:41

Is your partner abusive? If so, call Women's Aid. They can put you in a safe house and help you start over.

If not, can you wait until baby is born and then go to your family? Save all you can now to tide you over until tax credits come through.

FunFunFunInTheSunSunSun · 04/09/2015 23:50

Why do you want to leave him?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/09/2015 23:50

What is it that makes you want to leave him? If you had the resources would you be gone?
If he's a decent man he may not have got his head around family life starting before birth. DH was baffled when I sat him down and said I need some money off you each week for essentials. He hadn't really thought about the detail of my maternity leave. He's a good man so it was fine.
If there's other stuff going on the you should speak to WA.

FriendofBill · 04/09/2015 23:52

Have you talked to him about money?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 04/09/2015 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeelTheNoise · 05/09/2015 00:00

Stack that was completely unnecessary and unfair! OP seems vulnerable and scared. Was that the most of your compassion?

OP you can leave if you need to. What is it that is making you feel so low? X

StayWithMe · 05/09/2015 00:01

I'm sorry you're so unhappy OP. There are a lot of very wise people on mumsnet who have left unhappy marriages, but they may be able to give you more pertinent advice if you explain why you're unhappy.

Donotknowhownottomind · 05/09/2015 00:04

Well, life is shit. At least you're able to have a baby.

OP Please tell us more about your dp and why you want to leave. The separation of your finances makes it sound as if he is abusive.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 05/09/2015 00:05

OP, I'm sorry, that was really unfair of me to project my own issues onto you. I've asked for the post to be deleted, but in the meantime please accept my sincere apologies.

AgentZigzag · 05/09/2015 00:05

WTF Stackladys?

Why do you think you'll get chucked out OP? Is the situation in that bad?

If it is then it's probably better to find out what you would be entitled to if you weren't with him before it gets any worse (if you can).

You could try the CAB, council (for housing), the benefits calculator and the child maintenance calculator.

There's plenty of advice online about the specifics of leaving someone when you think you have nothing.

You can't offset the fact that you'd have to live with a partner who's making you feel so unhappy with the possibility of your DC having a good nursery, there are plenty of good nurseries around.

Original poster

asdfghjklzxcvbnm · 05/09/2015 00:06

Stack- thanks very much for that. I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and 30 weeks of hospitalisation with hyperemesis to carry this pregnancy, so do me a favour and sod off.

Thanks helpful mumsnettrrs, will reply in a minute x

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/09/2015 00:06

Ah, x-post with you stack you were right about life being shit though.

StayWithMe · 05/09/2015 00:07

Hey Stack. I couldn't have babies and my darling husband died less than six months ago, but that doesn't negate other people's problems. You know what? We all have problems but you can either compete or help. If you don't want to help, then maybe this isn't the thread for you.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to hijack your thread. I know what it's like to feel trapped in a previous relationship and it's soul destroying. I have no real advice to offer but I hope things work out for you and you have a wonderful life with your little baby. So long as you have enough money to heat and eat, that's all you need.

StayWithMe · 05/09/2015 00:09

Sorry Stack xpost. It takes a very decent person to admit they have spoke out of turn. We've all done that.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/09/2015 00:11

Life often is shit and we all have our crosses to bear. Everyone's cross feels heavy and there is little to be gained by comparing those crosses.

FeelTheNoise · 05/09/2015 00:12

Fair play Stack.

OP do keep talking. I'm very heavily pregnant and recently left my abusive XP, and if there's any wisdom I can send your way, I will. All I can give you with the info I have is that I absolutely don't regret it. I'm no longer frightened of the future, and looking ahead feeling good x

Original poster

asdfghjklzxcvbnm · 05/09/2015 00:29

I feel unfair now to everyone who's commented, but he's just came in and I don't want him seeing me on this thread so will reply when I can.

I meant a good nursery as in bedroom, she's got everything here such as toys, milk, nappies, I have no doubt he'd be a loving father. Just not partner.

We've been together 2 years and he openly admits this pregnancy was a mistake, he is prepared to try for a future if we try really hard but I need to be more affectionate, he doesn't think it'll work out. I'm welcome to stay here until the birth and just after but then need to find my own place. Etc. it's going to be agony giving birth without someone there to cuddle or say I love you. I don't want to stay and fall in love with him or get settled here (I can't help how It even after shit he makes me feel.)

We don't have a good sex life, he constantly rejects me and plays video games or sleeps. We go about 4 days without even kidding each other.

Talked about money, he just said it's both of our child so to split things 50/50 but he's on 2,800 a month and I'm on 300. That's how I'm down to £30 this month, it's so unfair. He has said about discussing giving me an allowance but I have to ask for money and how I spend it. He constantly tells me he's not sure how our relationship is going and only allows me to be intimate with him when he feels like it. I need my own stable house to feel like I've got somewhere to bring my daughter up in.

OP posts:

Calmonthesurfacebut · 05/09/2015 00:30

Forget the money for moment, although you do need to address that - why do you want to leave at this time? You day he is thoughtless, why? Is it just he doesn't know? Is he abusive? Do you care about him at all?

It is not easy to just walk out, especially right now and be on your own with a newborn, you need to have a plan and deal with the money situation before doing anything rash - as long as you are not at risk.

I was in a similar situation, but it was all right in the end.

Rarity08 · 05/09/2015 00:31

Op I hope you are ok. Keep posting and you will get good advice.
stack it takes a big person to admit they've made a mistake.

Original poster

asdfghjklzxcvbnm · 05/09/2015 00:32

Without kissing each other* even a peck. I cry twice daily at how nasty some things are said. It's so messy here he can't clean up, he leaves mouldy food around then just tells me I have OCD which is why I get upset. I don't think it's clean enough to bring a child up in, except I've worked my arse off to make her bedroom perfect for when she is here.

An example he told me I HAVE to breastfeed because it's what's best for his child when I'm on strong medication for joint pain that I won't be able to BF on. He doesn't take me and the fact I need to be on that medication into account, he just says he'll stop me having it. Sorry to drip feed.

OP posts:

Calmonthesurfacebut · 05/09/2015 00:33

Sorry x post. You obviously do need out, but also need a plan!!

Original poster

asdfghjklzxcvbnm · 05/09/2015 00:52

I think I just typed this because I needed to get it all out. I will be ok and I will make a plan. Sorry to all the other MN'ers who are/have had it difficult too

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/09/2015 00:59

He really does want it all to be on his terms doesn't he? It seems like he's relishing having you right where he wants you, ie dependent on him for money/food/shelter, that way he can tell you how things are going to be, ie you in pain and doing what you're told by BF your baby!

That can't be right can it? Nobody in their right mind would say they're going to MAKE the mother of their child suffer so they can BF.

He's saying things daily that are nasty enough to make you cry, that in itself is enough to make a get out plan and follow through with it.

But could it get worse once you've had your baby? If you're anything like me/majority of parents on MN, you want to protect your baby more than anything in the world, could he be the kind of person who'd use that emotion against you so he can manipulate you into doing what he says?

If that's the case it might be better sooner rather than later.

Ain626 · 05/09/2015 01:18

I am not really a person who can give advice on this... But for what it's worth, here's my thoughts.

From what I gather, the two of you are not in a happy relationship and it doesn't sound like you can work on it. Though I am a little confused... he is prepared to try for a future if we try really hard but I need to be more affectionate, he doesn't think it'll work out. But then you also said that it is him that doesn't want to be affectionate and it's him causing the distance between you. Is there nothing you feel the pair of you can work on together or is this beyond repair? If it is beyond repair then you need to do what is right for you and your little one.

With the money issues... Could it be he is simply not realising the differences in the money each of you has? Or is he trying to trap you though knowing you do not have much money and are dependent on him? The first is... ignorance I guess. The second... a form of emotional abuse.

It is your last post that worries me the most. He cannot stop you taking any medication that you need. If medicine has been prescribed to you it is because you need it. If it means you cannot breast feed... so be it. Millions of babies have been bottle fed and are healthy. Your little one will be too. It would not be healthy for the baby to have a mum in so much pain from not having the required medication and therefore not being able to look after the baby properly.

(Side thought that doesn't detract from the fact he said he would stop you taking medication - is it a medicine you are taking currently in pregnancy? Is there an alternative that would allow you to breast feed if that is what YOU want?)

Some relationships can be worked on and things figured out. Some relationships just aren't meant to be and splitting up is the best option. In relationships where there is a victim and one partner is being abusive (emotionally or physically) the relationship needs to end as quickly as possible - though I imagine these are the hardest relationships to end. You need to work out where your relationship stands.

Good luck.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/09/2015 01:28

He's going to stop you taking prescribed medication so that you can bf?
Well that's not on. A well mother is a better mother. a happy mother is a better mother. I take ADs because without them I'm not great. I took them while bfing because it was better for my DS.
A fabulous bedroom is poor recompense for unhappy parents. Leave now rather than later. Ring Women's Aid and go this week.

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