I'm so deeply unhappy.

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Posting here, don't know where else to post.

31 weeks pregnant, living with partner who makes £30,000 a year.

I have a job that makes £15,000 a year, but due to pregnancy related illness I'm signed off, only on Statutory Sick Pay now, and unable to return before maternity leave. I will not get maternity pay, maternity statutory pay, or maternity allowance because I wasn't earning in my test period. Zilch.

I want to leave him. We have separate finances, I live in HIS house so pay no rent/bills but only have SSP to live on, a grand total of £280?ish a month. I have £30 to last me the next 25 days.

I'm not entitled to ANY benefits whilst living here because they take him into consideration and the fact he earns 30,000+ yet (although I can't work because I'm pregnant with OUR baby we've still split everything 50/50 and I have £300 to live on per month, another issue thoughtless man) and I don't have any money to private rent or move out. I have no family to stay with. I literally don't know what to do.

Has anyone any advice? I don't think that I would keep going if it wasn't for this baby. I love her, she's my whole world, she has the perfect nursery here, everything she could ever want for, but I can imagine myself being chucked out and need a stable home.

I've asked for this to be moved to relationships. You'll get kinder advice and practical help there. Hope you don't mind but yanbu so you need help.

You've said you have no family to stay with, I assume you mean nearby, but can you move in with your parents, or perhaps other relatives, wherever they are? You aren't working now and won't be for the foreseeable future so if you aren't happy wouldn't now be the best time to relocate? I understand you'd be giving up your current job, but if you'd be able to find work nearer family, it may be worth it. I'm not in the UK so I don't know what, if any, benefits you'd be entitled to if you moved home.

Hi OP, and sorry to hear that you're going through this. I was in a slightly similar situation when pregnant with my DD - although planned, ex H had a 360 degree turnaround and decided I had to have a termination or he would leave. We were overseas so I too didn't have family to go to .... do you have ANY family in the country? You mention benefits so I assume you are in the UK. Ex H hung around, moving in and out (we were renting), throughout the nine months - which were agony emotionally. He too would say some fairly ghastly things and I would cry - he said it was the "only way to shut me up" as I wanted to discuss everything. He did say also that it was better for him to be truthful and not pretend that he was happy about it - maybe your DP is thinking the same way? My DS sent me a book called The Reluctant Father - cannot recall if ex H read it or not - but there is a lot of it about apparently - the fear of having children from a male perspective.

Where we differ is that I had a good job and didn't have the health issues so was able to take six weeks out for maternity leave and then get back to work, and could pay the rent and childcare. However what you have is the welfare state in the UK. Without his £30k household income you could be entitled to benefits (of which I am ignorant aside from the £80 child benefit). It may be that you need this space to regain control of the situation. Again, I have no experience of Women's Aid but I hear it suggested on man y threads so would that be a place to start?

Oh and we all have OCD to some extent - in my view - and the times we feel that control is slipping away from us in important aspects of our life is when we try to re-establish control in any area that we feel possible. So it's likely that you may be paying greater attention to cleanliness. My DD, when upset or anxious, cleans the kitchen and re-orders kitchen cupboards and has done this from when she was tiny.

For what it's worth, having felt truly miserable throughout my pregnancy, DD is nearly 18 and we have had a brilliant 18 years and have a fantastic relationship. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and remember that you do have options.

OP do you have family that can help you? You need to leave the toxic environment before the baby is born. I've no experience of this situation at all so I'm sorry I can't offer advice other than to pull in your family and friends.

OP I am wondering if there has been a complete change in your attitude to your OH bought on by the huge hormonal changes in Pregnancy and maybe you are seeing everything in a particularly negative way.. ? It's just that you mention his many faults and how you want to leave him, yet I assume his personality and behaviour hasnt 'just happened' . I also assume that you have planned this baby as you have mentioned that sadly you have had 2 mc (which gives the impression you have been trying for a baby rather than this pg being a surprise). With that in mind, you obviously knew how much you and he earned before getting pg. What did you discuss and agree before your bump arrived ?. Is it worth having a chat with your midwife and explaining how you feel ? It may well be you who has changed, otoh it's quite possible he has become an arse with the stark reality of fatherhood looming, either way she should be able to provide practical help and advice. If you do stick together when baby is born, please please consider marriage Asap it provides a lot more legal protection for partners with children especially if they have a low or no income whilst caring for children.

Are you worried that you will be made to leave without your baby?

Morning folks. We're going to move this thread over to Relationships in just a moment. Thank you to everyone who has already given advice and support.

I just wanted to add my support here. I am sorry you are having such a shitty time of it.

Contact Citizens Advice as well as Women's Aid as part of your exit plan. I think they can also advise you regarding the position re benefits and housing if you should leave.

That would be my advice even if you are still together when the baby is born. I don't think in this instance the advice to marry is any good, so don't.

This man is not playing fair now and there is no reason to believe that he would if married. It would be one more tie, one more means of control. As for the finances, what's the betting that he would keep you a pauper, in total penury. Get out now, while it is still somewhat easier.

Breastfeeding is your decision alone. There is nothing joint about it and he has no input. How very dare he even try to dictate here!!! You are on important medication which may preclude it anyway. Women on such medication formula feed. Formula is not poison and I am sure 99.9% of their babies thrive on it. Ignore the arsehole.

OP, his threat to withhold your medication so he can force you to breastfeed is extremely frightening.

I wonder if there is other abusive, controlling behaviour going on which you are minimising as you have become so used to it?

That's aside from the financial abuse which is plain for all to see.

Can I strongly suggest that you call Womens Aid for advice and help?
www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

It is easier to get through in the evenings. They can email you as well.

Withholding medication to force you to breastfeed is abusive, and making you pay 50% when you don't earn anywhere near that much and indeed are off sick with pregnancy complications is financial abuse. I'm going to guess he is demanding to be at the birth no matter what you want and will try to deny you any painkillers you may want as well.

I second everyone else with their practical advice on how to leave him.

Hi OP, really sorry for your situation. You must feel very vulnerable at the moment. Listen to the wise words people have left. Someone who stops you taking mens does not care about you xxxxxxx

Hi all, thank you for everyone's support and advice, it really does mean a lot.

When he is not around (he works from home 4 days a week and it's the weekend at the mo) I will ring women's aid and talk to them, just for advice about what I may be entitled to and where I can go.

I do have family about 2 hours away, but they only have a tiny box room and I'm not sure it's fair to burden them with all of this, I feel like a complete failure.

Sadly this pregnancy was not planned or wanted by him, but I was not going to get rid of my child when (at the time I had a good stable job and home etc) I could of provided for her and I love her so very much.

He has now come around to being a dad, but only on his terms eg has to be breastfed, will only pay for everything 50/50 because I'm lucky he even does that seeing as I was the one who wanted the child. I will be taking strong co-codamol as I have very painful hip condition, so as much as I know BF is best for baby I need to be able to move around.

I don't think we have a future. He says it's not fair on him for me to want my own space, he withholds sex as a form of punishment but expects me to fall over backwards to please him, give him the affection he desires such as bringing him a cake or tidying the house.

I wish I almost was OCD, but this house (his) really isn't suitable for a child currently. He lets things grow mould in the fridge, I at 6 months pregnant had to clear the spare room and put clean wallpaper up where he had so much damp. It's a beautiful 3 storey bath town house but he lives in a dump.

I will form an exit plan, I can see that it's time to leave now, it's just finding as and where to start. I dropped out of university for this man and moved away from friends so it's a lonely scary place at the moment, but I'm sure it'll get better. Thankfully I've purchased everything the baby will need so when I go I can take it all with me.

Thank you to everyone for supporting me.

The mechanics of moving away from this man might be difficult at times but they won't be as hard as having to live with him surely?

Try and focus on a month or two down the line when you'll be snuggling with your beautiful baby, you'll have sorted your own space to live and money to support yourself, and you won't be weighed down with having to think about him and his demands.

Also, could you try and let your family/friends in a bit? Is it possible they won't look on it as a failure at all but have already noticed what kind of a person he is and be glad you've split from him? They might not see it as a burden but be pleased they can give you the support you'll need? (although I know this isn't always the case with some families).

Is there someone you can think of who you know would give you a sympathetic ear so you won't feel so isolated? Starting off with telling just one person at first might be a bit less scary?

You're doing the right thing

Better a box room in a clean house where you will be at peace than a king-sized suite in a filthy house where you are in despair.

As a mother, I'd welcome my child home even if it meant that they had to sleep on the couch or the floor. It's not about 'fair', it's about loving your child and wanting to help them when they're in a bad situation.

Call your parents. Talk to them.

oh well done. So glad to hear you're beginning to see a way out

I was going to say 'just jump!' ie take the leap and see where you end up. I know that's easy to say but there is a benefits system in place in this country and you are a priority as you are vulnerable if you are pg and also have health issues. There's also the marvellous Womens Aid - try to call at night as lines busy during the day: 0808 2000 247 - call between 7pm-7am.

You obviously have to plan as much as possible before jumping but from what you say it's best for you to get out. Keep us updated? xxx
ps the box room may not be great but it's better than nothing. Don't rule it out. Are our family supportive? It may be better to live near family if the are...

To pick up one part, the pain killers, I'm on co-codamol for spinal and pelvic issues and I'm 39 weeks pregnant. Baby is coming on Tuesday (breech / previa / spine issues) and I will be switching to tramadol and oramorph as needed and as little as possible and breast feeding. There are other pain relief options available that don't contradict breast feeding if that is a choice you want to make. No judgement.

Definitely consider the box room. Far better than what you are currently enduring.

This man is an arse, and will never be anything else.

Better a small but clean box room that a large, mouldy shithole.

Much easier to leave while you're still pregnant, believe me. Your partner is setting impossible and cruel hurdles for you, making it unrealistic he will become loving and kind when you need him to be. I've sacrificed having a partner through labour and the newborn days, but in doing so, I've saved myself from being scared and hurt while at my most vulnerable, and that's not even touching on what I've saved my baby from. Go and be with family, move from there when you can, but in the area where you will receive the supprot you need as a new mum

Will any of your friends help you to move back to where they are?

My friends are still in their final years of university, I'm 22, my partner is a LOT older. I left university as a student nurse (straight A student, 4 A* A-levels) to move here and get this job for £15,000 a year. I basically took a massive cut in potential for him. I apologise if that sounds bragging, I don't mean it to it's just that after doing this, I'm basically golden to my parents, met a 'nice' older man, have the perfect house, had a goodish job, I'm having the first grandchild, they have problems themselves and although they're the most supportive parents ever I can't bear to destroy the illusion just yet. I'd much rather see if I can do it by myself and not rely on others to house me or feed me, but it's becoming essential I understand. I will for sure keep this updated as much as I can.

It's so hard to admit what's been going on to them but I know if my daughter was in this situation then I'd want to know. Really I just need to wait until next week when he's at work and I can get some breathing space; I'm not allowed out on my own and he always checks when I'm on my phone so it's difficult.

I didn't know there were options for me to be able to breastfeed on medication? I'd love to know more, my midwives haven't told me this (Know that's not what this thread is about)

Like I say, I really appreciate all the advice, it's so supportive

Also, I feel really ashamed and that people will judge me being a typical single mum at benefits at 22. When I did have a good job and plenty of money

You have two supports in your life.

1. Speak to your midwifery service. All midwives have some basic training in supporting/recognising women in abusive relationships. There will also be a specialist midwife whose primary responsibility is child protection but who will also be fully clued up as to what resources and support is available to women in your position.ask to speak to her.
2. Your parents. They may still be under the illusion that all is fine, they may know more than you realise. You say they love you. Just tell them, it's gone wrong and you need their help. It's their grandchild.

Illusions, by their very nature, are not reality. And that 'illusion' will be broken the minute you leave him, and your parents (regardless of their own situation) will be gutted that you didn't confide in them.

You're only 22. If you were mine, I'd be screaming for you to come home and go back to uni and finish your nursing course or take training in another field. It would be hard, but in the long run I'd know it was the right thing as it would enable you to be more self supporting and provide security for my grandchild.

I, too, left nursing school to get married (to an abusive twat). The difference was when my marriage broke up I had a very good govt job and no children so I just carried on. I remarried, had children, and had a wonderful career and retired in my mid-50s. But I always sort of regretted giving up my dream of nursing. So I asked my mum (decades later) what they would have said if I'd asked to quit my job, move home, and go back to school. She said they would have said 'yes' in a heartbeat!

So please, talk to your parents.

If your parents are supportive then there's no way they'd rather you stay with this man than get out and be happy/safe.

If you think they'll be disappointed, well, that's something they'll have to get their heads around. Things change and it sounds like they don't know what's really going on.

What do you think they'll say when they find out that he's not nice? Would they rather you stayed with him to preserve the illusion they've got in their heads about how you're life's going?

No way! Like Across says, they'll want you to be happy, not under constant surveillance and control (I bet they'd be horrified at that, alongside the threats to take your painkillers, he's really quite sinister).

At only 22 you've still got plenty of opportunities to taking your uni back up again And you can leave any guilt or shame you think you might feel at his house when you leave, no need to feel anything but relief at your escape.

Go Home.
Your parents are their for you and will love and support you until you get back on your feet.
Your heart is not with this man.
You know things are not right.
Time to leave with your stuff and run.
Don't stay where you are not wanted and expected to conform to his needs and not your own.
Not only are you young but you have your whole life ahead of you.
I am worried that you will stay until the baby arrives and then you will think things will change after that.
He doesn't love you he is showing that.