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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Question about sex (will try not to TMI)

60 replies

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 22:41

I just wanted to know if anyone could tell me how you know or not if a man enjoys sex with you?

I am not usually this clueless with things but it was my first sex in forever, bit paranoid about belly scar and a bit of extra flab and was not sure he enjoyed it or not and want to know how you can tell if he doesn't give much away?

It was a bit of a one nighter, so probably won't be repeated, although I would quite like if it was, but just want to know if I was doing things right or got something wrong or didn't look good.

As I remember sex being they say a lot "oh so beautiful", "oh feels good" but if they don't I really don't know how you tell if they liked it or not?

OP posts:

beaglesaresweet · 28/08/2015 23:08

was he 'all over you', OP, was it quite quick and at a slight distance iykwim, like he only did the necessary touching, went straight for PIV?

beaglesaresweet · 28/08/2015 23:09

there should be 'or' there after 'OP'.

iwasyoungonce · 28/08/2015 23:11

I think, unfortunately, it's a case of "well, if you have to ask...?"

i.e. it should be quite obvious if he enjoyed it.

Sorry, hope this doesn't sound too harsh.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:11

Let me me more specific and maybe someone can answer...

He's not asked to see me again so I'd like to try and figure out if that's because he's not that into me or anything beyond a night (I can live with that) or if I was horrible / ugly / not very good in bed.

I was wondering as he'd not said anything at all about the sex whether that means he didn't enjoy it or if men think sex is good that they always want it again or if not necessaril or if they want to do it multiple times in one night that means they like it or if men can get very aroused over someone they don't fancy.

I know this might sound silly but this is not really about him in particular but I am worried about not being that fanciable or if him not wanting a repeat performance is probably because I was rubbish.

OP posts:

iwasyoungonce · 28/08/2015 23:15

Even if he didn't overly enjoy it - this doesn't mean that you are unfanciable or rubbish in bed! It might just mean that the chemistry just wasn't there. Did YOU enjoy it?

Now you are back in the saddle, so to speak, I say just move onwards and upwards. The next time could be entirely different - and you won't be left wondering if he enjoyed it.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:15

Um thanks, yes please be harsh, would rather than and know where I am at so maybe I can sort things out and try and work on it if possible. Was asking here for honest reponses as my friends will lie to be nice.

I will try and describe below and really sorry if TMI but honestly don't know about this stuff

Yes, he was all over me, with lots of kissing and caressing and had an erection when we were just kissing and he was quite urgent towards me. He came in about 3 thrusts the first time and then did it again for longer and also "pleased" me quite carefully and gave me a lot of kissing and exploration. Also did it again twice in the morning with again kissing.

But he didn't give me any compliments at all, or say anything about it and never phoned me so I was wondering if that meant he thought I was rubbish really.

OP posts:

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:16

Yes I enjoyed it a lot, and was a little bit worried I was (please don't read if easily grossed out) a bit too excited if you catch my drift. I was a bit conscious of it.

OP posts:

chocolatespiders · 28/08/2015 23:20

Sounds like he enjoyed it very much. I guess everyone is different some are more vocal then others!
Don't be hard on yourself sounds like you both had fun.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:20

This might sound totally bizarre but the self esteem was knocked a while ago by DP and I am getting older, not done this in a while and I really am not too fussed if someone just doesn't click with me or have chemistry but really feel a bit like I might be a disappointment naked basically. That's the nutshell. am worried I am a turn off naked.

OP posts:

iwasyoungonce · 28/08/2015 23:20

Well from that explanation, I'd say it sounds like he enjoyed it. At least, he enjoyed it enough to do it more than once!

Perhaps he was just after a one off though. So didn't want to seem overly keen, then let you down. Sounds like a bit of shitty behaviour on his part - not being clear with you perhaps?

Try not to over think it, and don't turn this into "what did I do wrong?" I am sure you are lovely, and did nothing wrong at all. Just try to move on and chalk it up to experience.

iwasyoungonce · 28/08/2015 23:22

It doesn't sound as if he was turned off by your naked body! Far from it!

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:23

I don't mind being a one night stand, or used for sex (in fact that's not that bad an idea right now, could do with no strings fun) as long as it isn't a case of being a bad experience for the other person or someone they'd look back on and say they'd had sex with but thought they ween't sexy or any good.

I know that sounds dumb but just trying to feel a bit sexy.

OP posts:

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:24

Thanks very much all. I hope you're not being nice. I do know of men who have slept with women just because it was on offer but not really liked it.

OP posts:

iwasyoungonce · 28/08/2015 23:26

Yes, I know of men like that too. But that honestly doesn't sound like you have described. (I am not just being nice!)

bonzo77 · 28/08/2015 23:28

He might not have been a very vocal person. It's unusual I'd say more than "that was fun" afterwards. I've had lots of ONSs several short relationships and 2 proper LTRs (includes DH). The compliments etc have always been few and far between, except when pissed / high. It sounds like you had quite a lot of sex and fun in a short period of time. He was excited enough to come too fast at first, keen enough to go again. And again. And attended to your needs. I'd say that's all good. Why he's not up for another session, who knows?

As for body issues: he clearly came back for more so cannot have been that put off! I've had fab casual sex when at my fattest and hairiest and not my cleanest either. And with men who were no better. Sounds gross but we both had much fun. It was only ever going to be a ONS. God I could go on all day about this subject!

MajesticWhine · 28/08/2015 23:29

It all sounds fine. I'm sure he liked it. It is difficult if you lose confidence in your body. My guess is you need to be naked with someone you totally trust to get that confidence back.

gamerchick · 28/08/2015 23:30

Sometimes you can tell by actions rather than words. Some like to do the verbal bullet points and some like to have a go again... And again. Some men like a squeeler and worry that if they're silent that they're not enjoying it. It works both ways.

In my experience the talkers have been rubbish in bed, only interested in humping rather than pleasing. It's swings and roundabouts.

Zillie77 · 28/08/2015 23:30

I am very sure he didn't think you were "too excited." Men love that!

Also, most men are far less critical of women's real life bodies that we are of ourselves.

Casmama · 28/08/2015 23:32

Ok I'll be gentle cos you sound like you are genuinely wondering but come on lovey - a one nighter where you had sex four times? Yes he enjoyed it .
Also -3 thrusts the first time? Either pretty selfish or somewhat overcome with lust!

How about starting to think about how much you are enjoying things rather than the measure of success being whether the man did?

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:35

Yes, I suppose I have lost confidence in the old body a bit! Had a baby and all that.

He wasn't leading me on or anything, it was really one of those flirting for ages situations where the build up was so long and so big that maybe in my silly fantasy he would say "wow that was the best I have ever had, must have you again" and I think my mind just went to wondering that he thought it was rubbish but did it a few times as he'd waited so long for it or something.

I did tell him beforehand I was after no strings and so was he so he's not at fault.

He did moan a lot, it was just that he never said much.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 28/08/2015 23:36

He came, job done. I wouldn't worry about it.

You could always send him a questionnaire.

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/08/2015 23:37

I honestly don't think you should worry about him not saying much. I think some people just don't, in that situation. I'm sure he enjoyed it, from what you've said.
Now, if you'd like to see him again, would you consider phoning or texting him? Because he may be having exactly the same thoughts as you, and that may be the only reason he hasn't been in touch since. What have you got to lose?

Saucyfun · 28/08/2015 23:37

Avoiding tmi of my own if I can but sounds to me like he enjoyed and I really don't think his not wanting to repeat is a physical reason. For any number of reasons he may not want a relationship. Or even to date.

I'm involved in a 'scene' which means I have reasonable experience of this type of thing plus talk often with men being VERY open about such things. Some men are quieter some are really vocal. That's about him and what he enjoys/is comfortable with. Focus on what you enjoy. If you do want to focus more on your physical pleasure do that (pm me and I could maybe suggest more on how to do this but might be deleted here).

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:38

He was very embarssed when he came instantly! The only thing he said in the morning was that his erection wouldn't go down - which was true.

I don't know, maybe this is all about me being embarassed of my body and not about him at all. Was really annoying he wanted lights on and then he insisted on laying me down and sitting at the end of the bed to play with himself looking at me. I felt so self conscious. Not because I'm a prude but just because I felt like a lump of flab.

Maybe I should get down the gym and get my confidence back off my own bat instead of staying unhappy like this. I was worried to heck before it happenned that he'd be disappointed with what was unerneath my clothes

OP posts:

gamerchick · 28/08/2015 23:41

Doesn't sound like he was disappointed.

IME we wimmin are far more critic of ourselves and our pecieved flaws a lot more than men care about them.

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