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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Question about sex (will try not to TMI)

60 replies

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 22:41

I just wanted to know if anyone could tell me how you know or not if a man enjoys sex with you?

I am not usually this clueless with things but it was my first sex in forever, bit paranoid about belly scar and a bit of extra flab and was not sure he enjoyed it or not and want to know how you can tell if he doesn't give much away?

It was a bit of a one nighter, so probably won't be repeated, although I would quite like if it was, but just want to know if I was doing things right or got something wrong or didn't look good.

As I remember sex being they say a lot "oh so beautiful", "oh feels good" but if they don't I really don't know how you tell if they liked it or not?

OP posts:

Saucyfun · 28/08/2015 23:41

Agree with Zillie I've NEVER met a man who felt it was possible for their lover to be too excited! Men take that as a huge compliment.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 28/08/2015 23:50

That's good. I suppose nothing at the time made me feel like he wasn't enjoying it but in my head it followed that if it was grest for him he'd be asking for more. Maybe that's not the case

OP posts:

Casmama · 28/08/2015 23:59

"Was really annoying he wanted lights on and then he insisted on laying me down and sitting at the end of the bed to play with himself looking at me. I felt so self conscious. Not because I'm a prude but just because I felt like a lump of flab."

You don't have to allow someone to "insist". This is. Consent issue and you don't ha veto consent to anything you don't Ewan's to do. I am concerned that your lack of self esteem means that your focus is far too much on pleasing a partner and very little on what you want or are comfortable with.

Please consider that you should be an equal and willing partner in any sexual interactions and your xomfort and sexual pleasure are at least as important as theirs.

Casmama · 29/08/2015 00:01

Autocorrect has made a total mess of that.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 00:08

It's ok. I understood :) I just want to feel like I am sexy and enjoyable to have sex with I know I have self esteem issues but that's a whole diferrent thread :(

OP posts:

Casmama · 29/08/2015 00:13

All indications are that he had a great time

SnoogyWoo · 29/08/2015 08:46

From a mans POV, if he came quickly and went again soon after there is no doubt he didn't fancy you and find you attractive.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 29/08/2015 08:52

Trust me, an erection that won't go down is the sincerest compliment a man can pay you. I should know.

We're simple creatures, and because we have to use a fair bit of our oxygen transport in arousal we get even simpler.

Ladyconstance · 29/08/2015 09:04

From what you've described, it sounds like a very pleasurable and fun night for both of you. I'm envious! As PPs have said, it's not uncommon that we see ourselves as more unattractive than others do, especially if we've had low self esteem issues. But your man must have been delighted.

I'm also experiencing a new partner after 8 years and, like you, have a few concerns about my mummy tummy and the effects of gravity with a relative stranger. Talk about putting yourself out there!! If those feelings motivate you to maybe do a bit of exercise, so much the better. But only do that for yourself. Don't do it out of fear, feeling threatened you're not attractive, not good enough etc etc. Do it because you care about your health and want to feel more confident. Hope your no strings attached experiences continue to be fun!

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 10:38

Thanks so much everyone. I know this man is still in love /broken up over his ex and can't be close with women emotionally, so was never expecting him to fall in love with me or anything but I really did just want to feel confident about that aspect.

I know I am not 25 anymore and things are not quite where they used to be on my body, and I think maybe I look at the magazines or even friends in their bikinis and think OMG I don't look like that and I worry I suppose that once the clothes come of it is just a turn off.

I do think I need to sort out the tummy flab, that's my biggest worry, and within my control to fix it. I think this was probably the first time I haven't felt sexy durign sex and maybe it is all about me

OP posts:

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 29/08/2015 10:49

sounds like he was enjoying the view, and far from disappointed! ...so no need for you to feel like a spare part!

as for the not feeling sexy...it happens. Sometimes it's you, did I turn off the cooker?, sometimes them, ouch that's poky! , sometimes it's nothing and everything!

stepsharp · 29/08/2015 11:02

He shouldn't have "insisted" on anything. Many of us would have felt self conscious in that scenario.

I'd have done a runner.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 29/08/2015 12:14

"insisted" might just be the word chosen by th op and may reflect how she felt rather than what he actually did.

Given that nothing else she describes is remotely unpleasant, let's not start inferring something about the man that the op isn't implying.

pocketsaviour · 29/08/2015 12:50

As I remember sex being they say a lot "oh so beautiful", "oh feels good"

Did your ex really say that?! I don't think I could keep a straight face, it sounds so 70s!

IME everyone's different in bed, some people are talkative and descriptive ("I love your big boobs"), some just moan and sigh, others try to break the record for swearing (that would be me! )

If you went four times in one night/morning I'd say he enjoyed it! If he hadn't I think he would have not stayed the night, or got up in the morning and said "Well got to be off to the office/shops/footie match."

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 19:24

Yes I didn't object, I just used the word insisted but as he was doing it I was thinking "oh God, I must look hideous".

lol pocketsavior

I'll go off the assumption he enjoyed it then and try and get my confidence back to a higher level.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 29/08/2015 19:39

I don't think you should be having one night stands if your analysing the whole experience so much. No offence but why does it matter what he thinks? he is an man and they are simple creatures, if he didn't find you attractive he wouldn't have sex with you, simple as. He certainly wouldn't have had sex with you twice in one night.

Also I wouldn't have let a one night stand tell me to lay down while he wanked over me. If you don't feel comfortable, you need to speak up.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 19:55

Well because what I really want right now is sex. Not up for much else TBH but it's hard to enjoy it normally if you don't feel as sexy as you used to. I wasn't looking for love or anything which I know is hard to understand but just sex.

OP posts:

Stillyummy · 29/08/2015 20:46

If it helps op I think sex is like kissing. No one is bad at it, some people do it together really well and others are meh and some are terrible together.

rouxlebandit · 29/08/2015 20:48

Is it possible he was holding back from expressing his feelings because there was a mutual acceptance that this was just sex. He might also be unsure how much you enjoyed it. BTW I'm envious of his quick recovery time & 4 times! Dare I ask his age & whether he took a pill beforehand? If I were you I'd keep in touch with him.

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 22:06

No, I'm sure that's not it. He's not very verbal amout much really I suppose it was more than he didn't text or phone or anything that made me think he thought it was yuk.

He's 45 and no definitely no pills beforehand but he'd had 2 beers and hadn't had sex in ages. So maybe it was less about me and more about using the opportunity to get it while he had a chance. It was a quick recovery but i am used to sex with people more my age (34) so he was my first older man really and I was quite impressed.

I would actually like a repeat performance, but I suppose he doesn't!

OP posts:

VaviaVive · 29/08/2015 23:09

Maybe he was so embarassed about coming so quick that he'd rather avoid you than have to think about it?

Original poster

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 23:17

No, he's not the shy type really!

OP posts:

rouxlebandit · 29/08/2015 23:24

OP, stop making self depricating remarks like he probably thought "it was yuk". He stayed with you all night for heaven's sake & couldn't get enough of you. But I agree it was rude of him not to thank you later for a lovely time.

VaviaVive · 30/08/2015 01:57

Doesn't need to be a shy one to want avoid a bruised ego. 3 thrusts is pretty embarrassing to be honest :D

MajesticWhine · 30/08/2015 09:52

he did not contact you because it was agreed as no strings sex and so he is seeing it as a one off. Why is it rude of him to not make contact if the OP did not make contact?

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