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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me see sense

51 replies

pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:01

I'm sorry I'm really upset
My dads funeral tomorrow and I just want to know if I'm being mental
Dh was on phone tonight (I'm away we don't live together but I'm away from my home sorting funeral ) on phone I heard his mobile go a few times. He said it was his son (he was only just saying he never hears from him..son has a partner and baby has moved away) I said send me the message from him to son and vice versa.
Dh got mad and refused .
I would have thought that the eve of my dads funeral he'd just send it even if to just shut me up
I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:03

I just meant send it to me as I feel like I need to trust and rely on him for safety . He knows I went to see my dads body tonight. Why would he refuse to send it saying I'm paranoid etc

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:05

He got so angry he said its over as I don't trust him and he refused to send it . So am I being crazy (quite possible)

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:10

I don't feel I can go to my dad's funeral now I just want to go home

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 28/08/2015 01:12

Sorry about your dad.

Asking him to forward text messages to him from other people is not trusting him or showing him trust.

Presumably there is a back story to this lack of trust you have in him?

Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:18

No I don't trust him he's let me down so many times but I thought we'd got through it especially since losing my dad

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Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:25

I'm sorry. I think I've had a meltdown. Been sorting out funeral and helping my mum for 2 weeks and missing my kids

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wafflyversatile · 28/08/2015 01:26

Stay for the funeral. If your relationship is on the rocks it will still be on the rocks after the funeral. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Either your mistrust is well placed or it is not. Either way if you don't trust him your relationship will not be a healthy happy one.

Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 01:32

Thanks I think I'm just overwhelmed it's been so hard and I just misguidedly said send me the text which I've never done before after seeing my dad and feeling so bloody alone . Thank you for reply.

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wafflyversatile · 28/08/2015 02:10

Best wishes for the funeral and I hope you resolve things when you get home.

Wando · 28/08/2015 08:05

Please stay for the funeral - the next few days are about your dad, you and the rest of your family. You can deal with the DP issues later.

Keep posting - I think you could do with the support you will get on here

Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 08:16

I'm hiding in bed. Was up early comforting my mum who was crying because she's not slept and then my brother turned up at 7 waking us up. Had a text from dh saying good luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 08:21

I just want to get away from all this. I saw my dad last night and held his hand and said i love him. My family are all at war with each other two siblings not even coming to funeral. It's going to be an awful day. I want to go home but that means leaving mum, but I've done it all this week. I have nothing left.

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Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 10:23

Please remove this thread

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goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 10:35

Flowers You sound done in, honey. Can you grab a couple of hours' sleep this afternoon? If not, do try to get to bed early tonight as tomorrow will drain your energy again.

Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 10:35

I can't go to the funeral

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Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 10:36

It's today

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goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 10:42

If you don't go to his funeral, you'll always regret not paying your last respects to your df standing side by side and arm in arm with your dm and, more particularly, as 2 of your siblings won't be attending which is no doubt very distressing for her to have to cope with while she's newly widowed.

Your dc are being well looked and your dm needs you - go home on Sunday with a clear conscience.

pocketsaviour · 28/08/2015 10:44

OP I'm sorry, this must be so hard.

What time is the funeral? Do you think you could just get through the actual service, for your mum's sake, and then leave straight after?

goddessofsmallthings · 28/08/2015 10:46

Sorry - I formed the impression that the funeral was tomorrow but, nevertheless, you loved him and you HAVE to go to support your dm.

An early night for you tonight and home tomorrow with nothing to reproach yourself about.

You CAN do it and you will always be so glad you did.

Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 10:50

Half 3. I can't move for shaking. No ones come up to see me but I can hear my sister and her husband here aswell as brother.

I've written the service and arranged everything . I just can't go

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Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 10:51

I saw my dad twice at the chapel of rest. I can't get out the bed .

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EcclefechanTart · 28/08/2015 10:54

Please do go to the funeral. You will regret it long after if you don't, I think. My dad died a few months ago. My sister said she wouldn't come to the funeral as she couldn't bear it, but in the end she did come and she is very glad now.

You will have plenty of time to sort out your DP's crapness later, but today is about your dad. Do go. Don't even think about DP today.

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
pnutter · 28/08/2015 10:54

I'm far from home. My family are all laughing downstairs. I can't do it.

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pocketsaviour · 28/08/2015 10:58

OP, are you afraid of conflict within your family, with your siblings?

I don't know the backstory but there's obviously a lot of dysfunction here.

If your mum has someone else there to support her (your siblings downstairs) and you feel you have said your goodbyes, then you're not under any obligation to attend.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/08/2015 10:58

Could you call out to them? Or text one of the people downstairs to say you're upstairs really upset and could they come up? You shouldn't be alone today. A funeral can really help you feel bonded to the other people in your life. You shouldn't carry your grief alone.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers