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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband sleeping with prostitutes

33 replies

mich1982 · 10/08/2015 03:27

Hello I found out today that my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes. Well, he says it was just massages with a helping hand at the end, but I don't believe him. We have been together 5 yrs and only married a month and he has been doing it for 6 months- even after the wedding. He blames his mental health as he thinks he is bipolar and I have been asking him to get help for years but he wouldn't see a therapist. Now he says he will see someone and wants me back, he's sorry and won't do it again blah blah.... what do I do? I have a 9 yr old son from a previous relationship but my husband has raised him as his own. I feel like my world is falling apart and if I hadn't found out how long would he have carried on for? We own our own company so we have to work together and I have to see him everyday.

OP posts:

DiscoDiva70 · 10/08/2015 03:49

I think blaming this on his mental health is him using this as an excuse, I think this is the way he is and I can't see how he will change.

Sorry to say, in my opinion he sees women in general as objects with no respect for them, and that includes no respect for you.

Jan45 · 10/08/2015 11:11

Well it has FA to do with his mental health, it's his sexual urges and his lack of moral compass that got him a happy ending.

Do you really need to think about what to do, the man has zero respect for you and yes will continue to cheat on you, it's pretty simple as to what you do - get out.

Lightbulbon · 10/08/2015 11:13

Ewww

I'd be horrified too!

pocketsaviour · 10/08/2015 11:24

Oh yes that's a well known feature of Bipolar. See it frequently on the symptoms list

Difficulty sleeping
Difficulty eating
Feeling convinced of future success
Shagging sex workers

OH WAIT NO IT'S NOT.

Actually that said, risk taking behaviour (including sexually) can be a feature of manic phases. However, it sounds like this is a long-standing thing with your H, not something connected to his phases?

Do you think he actually has bipolar, or is he just a cock?

I don't think I could stay with a man who had done this. Especially one who tried to justify it as "just a rub and tug"

Enoughalreadyyou · 10/08/2015 11:27

Yes he probably has mh issues but that's not your problem. He chose to do this. Probably enjoyed planning and anticipating each time. It's the high they are after. I stayed for four manipulating and minimising years. You will be in shock and looking for reasons because you can't comprehend it.
The only thing to do is to get divorced. It won't go away.

Enoughalreadyyou · 10/08/2015 11:34

Don't believe a word he says. It will definitely be full sex and it will have gone on a lot longer than he says. Check bank records etc. more like most of his adult life. He will at some point try to blame you. So is it worth hanging around to take part in this facade. The answer is no it will damage your mh.
Leave him and leave him now. Tell him to go and get evidence if you can to present to SHL. If you wait it won't be unreasonable behaviour because you will have condoned it.
So sorry your dreams are shattered. He's told you who he is.

Jan45 · 10/08/2015 11:41

I wouldn't check anything, once is bad enough but yes I am sure it's been going on a long time.

Aside this issue, you've been asking him to go get help, he hasn't, he wont, instead of trying to fix him, get yourself happy.

redannie118 · 10/08/2015 11:44

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Lavenderice · 13/08/2015 13:53

When I was going through an absolutely horrendous time with my ex who was also bi-polar my very wise bi-polar best friend said "bi-polar is very hard to live with, it affects your everyday life but in no way does it make you a cunt. If you act like a cunt it just means you're a cunt"

She was right, hence the reason he's my ex.

RealityCheque · 13/08/2015 14:20

"bi-polar is very hard to live with, it affects your everyday life but in no way does it make you a cunt. If you act like a cunt it just means you're a cunt"

That is fucking brilliant.

Lavenderice · 13/08/2015 15:39

I thought so too Reality, she's my best mate for a reason!

FolkGirl · 13/08/2015 15:47

I would end it over this. He is vile.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/08/2015 16:19

IME (which is sadly extensive) some people repeatedly use undiagnosed mental health issues to excuse bad behaviour. My ex used his undiagnosed 'bipolar' to excuse his general bad treatment of me, drug issues, repeated infidelity, use of sex workers and more serious abuse of me. All the while he claimed he didn't need a diagnosis as he doesn't believe medicating is the way to go. He didn't fit any of the markers for type 1, type 2 or rapid cycling bipolar.

Smilingforth · 13/08/2015 18:39

It's very hard; my thoughts are with you.

SoleBizzzz · 13/08/2015 19:02

End the relationship.

Nolim · 13/08/2015 19:04

Well, he says it was just massages with a helping hand at the end

Erm… What?

YUDOTHIS · 13/08/2015 19:19

Nolim- a massage with a handjob at the end.
Sorry OP id be gone.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2015 19:25

but that's not too bad because it wasn't "full sex"

really ?

justabigdisco · 13/08/2015 19:33

I can tell you now, people who claim to have bipolar while refusing to seek help / a diagnosis almost certainly don't have bipolar. They probably have good days and bad days, possibly with depression, but that's not what bipolar is.

FolkGirl · 13/08/2015 20:08

Bottom line is this.

Even if he were to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it still wouldn't make it ok, or mean you had to put up with it.

Kick him out. He's vile.

Smilingforth · 13/08/2015 21:29

Poor you. It's very hard but you need to be strong.

cozietoesie · 13/08/2015 21:33

...bi-polar is very hard to live with, it affects your everyday life but in no way does it make you a cunt. If you act like a cunt it just means you're a cunt...

Boy that's good. It realy hits.

cozietoesie · 13/08/2015 21:36

By the way, OP. Have you been for a sexual health check? If not, I'd go immediately - they're very easy and straightfoward.

onionlove · 13/08/2015 23:31

Same thing happened to me honey, well I have been separated over a year, I just couldn't live with that, crosses a line for me I'm afraid. I still have to see him because of kids and it still turns my stomach. Its selfish and vile and he would have never changed. Who knows what else he lied to me about. Look after yourself and your son x please pm me if you want to chat x

Lweji · 13/08/2015 23:37

I wonder if his supposed bipolarity is used to excuse other behaviours you're not happy with.

As it stands, I'd think too little too late. If you ever consider the possibility of going back it should be after he proved himself, got help, etc. Not for a few weeks, even a few months. More like a few years.

Has he even booked an appointment, or is it dependent on you taking him back?

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