Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know if I should believe him

72 replies

SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 18:44

Somebody is claiming that my DP has cheated on me with them. Until this point I trusted him 100% but have a history of being cheated on in previous relationships.

I don't know what to think. My friends/family tell me to go with my gut instinct but this changes on almost an hourly basis. Part of me thinks that there's no way he'd do this to me, we've been very happy together and I know he adores me. He's also absolutely adamant that nothing has gone on and he's very believable. The other part of me thinks that there's no smoke without fire and that its unusual for people to make up these kind of lies. I don't know this woman so she has no reason to want to hurt me although she dated my DP a long time ago and according to DP was angry at him for breaking it off.

This is tearing me apart. I love DP but I can't stay in a trustless relationship. Anyone got any advice? Should I believe him or not?

OP posts:
magoria · 31/07/2015 18:47

This is a really tough one.

Can you get any more information out of her? Tell her you want to know everything. Times, dates, places.

She may trip herself up by saying a time/date you know it couldn't be or it may coincide with times he has been elsewhere.

Sorry you are going through this.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 31/07/2015 18:47

under what circumstances did this other person make this claim ?
how did they contact you, why did they contact you, and when did the alleged cheating occur?

rumred · 31/07/2015 18:56

Ask to see his phone there and then and to use /check it for 20 minutes. If there's nothing to hide he'll gladly agree

Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 19:05

She messaged me on facebook saying that he is a liar and I deserved to know. She says he cheated on her when they dated all that time ago and is now doing to me. She gave the date that it apparently happened and I don't think DP was with me that day.

He says that he bumped into her at around the same time and they chatted briefly, told her he was in a relationship etc. He didn't tell me about it because he didn't attach any significance to it. I've checked his phone. There's nothing incriminating on there but he had time to delete everything.

I've never been suspicious before. He's not protective with his phone or anything but then he knows I wouldn't check it without reason.

I want to believe him so much. Im already struggling. He's gone out with friends tonight and I have a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've never ever questioned his loyalty before. A night out wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I just don't know how I'm going to prove it either way but I can't live with the doubt either Sad.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 31/07/2015 19:13

Ok well ask her if she has any proof. Texts, emails? Ask her to screen shot them to you.

I'd be very surprised if she has just randomly decided to do this for no good reason, especially if they split up years ago............

rumred · 31/07/2015 19:13

What do your friends think?

Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 19:39

According to her, they saw each other whilst out and they kissed. When she asked him for his number, he said he was sorry but he couldn't as he had a girlfriend. She's stopped responding to my messages now as well.

My friends don't know what to think either and just tell me to go with my gut feeling. Our mutual friends think I should believe him because in their words, he adores me and would never risk our relationship. One of them knows this woman and has said she's a trouble maker and not to believe a word she says.

It's the fact that my trust has been damaged that I'm mostly struggling with. How can we move on if I can't trust him? But I've been so happy with him and don't want to throw away everything if it does turn out that this woman is lying.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 31/07/2015 19:39

Did she tell you who it is?

Hopefulnewbie · 31/07/2015 19:40

It's a tough one.
There doesn't seem to be any reason for her to lie but then again people have done crazier things!
If she's tellin you this (and if it's true) she must have some evidence - either text messages, emails, def times that he would have been with her.
If she can't give anything other then what she's said then maybe she is just a crazy pissed off ex looking for revenge.
Is ur husband not compelty pissed off and wanting to get to the bottom of it? Or trying to shrug it off?

Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 19:56

What do you mean lovemetothemoon? She used her facebook profile so I can see who she is and DP confirmed that she was an ex from a while ago. She didn't use DP's name but said she'd found me as I'm tagged in his profile picture so im guessing Shes not got the wrong man.

DP is angry with her, yes, but I suppose more upset that I'm upset and hurt that I'm even paying attention to what she says. When it all came out, I asked him for some space to think about things and let me work out what I wanted to do.

He knows my past and I told him at the beginning that if my trust was ever damaged, I would walk because I've stayed in relationships where there wasn't any and it was hell. Of course its so much more difficult when it's not so clear cut. According to his friends, he's been in pieces thinking I'll end our relationship over this. He's been good at reassuring me, answering my questions, giving me space. He's handled it quite well to be fair to him.

OP posts:
notrocketscience · 31/07/2015 20:01

Poor you, what a rotten thing to happen.

Now for an outsider view

  1. This is triggering all your past emotional hurts and fears.

  2. It is not necessarily true

  3. She found you on facebook and I'm assuming you weren't friends and didn't know each other? So she has been told you are the new partner. Who by? Possibly him which partly backs up his story of telling her about you.

  4. She may have wanted to rekindle things and he refused so she is taking revenge on him. There are people who will do this.

  5. You have had no doubts up to now even to the extent of being unconcerned when he has nights out alone

  6. His phone is clean.

  7. She is no longer answering you so she wanted to leap in and destroy your relationship by pretending to have concerns for you yet is unwilling to provide proof or evidence which you would naturally want. Hmmm Not adding up here is it?

  8. He says he met her and told her about you and forgot about it as it had no meaning to him. She also says he told her this. Why on earth would he kiss her and take things no further? If he was the cheating sort he would have swapped numbers and done a lot more than kiss.

In conclusion m'dear, I think he is telling you the TRUTH. Wipe your tears and chalk this one up to a rather spiteful woman. And trust me, as someone who was once married to a cheater/liar, I'm now very good at spotting them. (If only I had been before...)

Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 20:05

What do you mean loveyoutothemoon? She used her Facebook profile to contact me and DP confirmed that she's an ex from a while ago. She didn't mention DP's name but said she'd found me because I'm tagged in his profile picture so I assume she hasn't got the wrong guy.

DP is angry with her, yes, but is more upset that I'm upset and hurt that I'm paying any attention to what she is saying although he says he understands why.

He knows my past and I told him at the beginning that if my trust was ever broken, I would walk because I've been in relationships where there was no trust and it was hell. Of course it's not so easy when it's not so cut and dried.

When this all came out, I asked DP to give me some time and space to sort through my feelings and he listened to that. To be fair to him, he's handled it really well, letting me ask the same questions over and over and trying to reassure me. According to his friends, he's been in pieces thinking that I might end our relationship over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 20:07

Sorry for the double post. Thought I'd lost it so retyped it all out.

OP posts:
Hopefulnewbie · 31/07/2015 20:10

If I was you (it's only my opinion, I'm not tellin you what do do) I would believe him, and don't contact her again.
If she is lying and you keep contacting her then she's done what she planned.
Fair enough if she contacts you again with proof or whatever then it's a different story.
It sounds like your past might be swaying your decisions, try and block it out and go with your gut on your partner now- this woman is a stranger to you so don't automatically trust her over him.

Hopefulnewbie · 31/07/2015 20:13

Agree with everything notrocketscience said

Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 20:15

Thank you notocketscience. You are absolutely right that this is triggering my past. Funnily enough, I found out my XH was cheating in a very similar way except she later tried to say she's made it up (before officially getting together with him months later). DP says he knows my past is making this harder for me.

Half the time my thought process is the same as yours, the other half I think he must have done it. I'm driving myself crazy and the worst thing is I'll probably never know for certain. Before this, he completely restored my faith in men when I never thought I'd trust again. I want to go back a couple of weeks to where I trusted him completely and utterly but can't rid myself of the thoughts that he might have done it and might do it again.

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 31/07/2015 20:17

Hi Op! I'm sorry but I'm a little confused with the 'Facebook tag' thing... ( I am a numpty at it so please excuse)

So is she still 'friends' with him, or has he just left a picture up of them or is it a pic you both and his security settings not so great and she can view?

You could ask him if you could look at his Facebook account?

loveyoutothemoon · 31/07/2015 20:18

Sorry I thought you meant that she was telling you about another girl seeing your DP. Hope she is lying Flowers

Original poster
SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 20:21

Lacoba, his profile picture is one of us together and I'm tagged in that. She says this is how she found me. I'm not sure about his security settings, I hadn't really thought about it. I think they have mutual friends so it could be that her friend helped her? I'm not sure. I've checked his facebook messages and there's nothing there.

OP posts:
Hopefulnewbie · 31/07/2015 20:23

From what you have said it sounds like he's a good guy... Unfortunately there are some nasty cows out there that like to do things like this for a little power trip.
There are plenty of guys out there worth trusting and he could be one of them. Don't let her ruin your relationship with 1 fb message

notrocketscience · 31/07/2015 20:28

Silver

He sounds an absolute sweetheart actually. Give him a ring, let him come round, have a damn good cry about it and make up in the best way possible.

No wonder you're so shaken if history is trying to repeat. I don't buy this woman's story. It's screaming LIE LIE LIE to me and she's going to great lengths to upset you. No doubt she didn't like to see him so happy.

Lacoba66 · 31/07/2015 20:28

Okay, so did her msg come to you via 'other' msg's? ( most people don't check them very often-I think)

From what you have said, I do think she is shit stirring (excuse my language).

I would however (this is me) ask that he disassociate himself from her & let as many people (subtly) know why! x

RagstheInvincible · 31/07/2015 20:31

I suggest you reply to her very briefly:

"Prove it!"

She must have some evidence that supports her claim other than they met once on a day when he wasn't with you.

She sounds a vindictive troublemaker to me and I'd give your DP the benefit of the doubt on this.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/07/2015 20:32

A kiss could be a peck on the cheek as you might give a friend or a full on inappropriate snog.
If they bumped into each other after a long time it would be reasonable to have a chat and a brief hug and part on pleasant terms.
If she is holding a torch or a grudge then he's told her he's with someone and it could be tempting to meddle. A picture on his fb with the two of you looking loved up and you tagged gives her all the info she needs and she may have been able to see that if it's a profile picture without being friends.
I'd be inclined to see her as malicious tbh.

alphabook · 31/07/2015 20:33

I actually don't buy her story. A random snog on a night out and then he refused to give her his number? Very convenient. Why would you snog someone with absolutely no interest in taking it further? He's not 12.

It must be incredibly hard but I'd be inclined to believe him.