Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I don't know if I should believe him

72 replies

SilverFeather · 31/07/2015 18:44

Somebody is claiming that my DP has cheated on me with them. Until this point I trusted him 100% but have a history of being cheated on in previous relationships.

I don't know what to think. My friends/family tell me to go with my gut instinct but this changes on almost an hourly basis. Part of me thinks that there's no way he'd do this to me, we've been very happy together and I know he adores me. He's also absolutely adamant that nothing has gone on and he's very believable. The other part of me thinks that there's no smoke without fire and that its unusual for people to make up these kind of lies. I don't know this woman so she has no reason to want to hurt me although she dated my DP a long time ago and according to DP was angry at him for breaking it off.

This is tearing me apart. I love DP but I can't stay in a trustless relationship. Anyone got any advice? Should I believe him or not?

OP posts:

Offred · 31/07/2015 22:03

I think you have to be, as another pp said, comfortable with letting go a bit and being emotionally vulnerable because in this situation you are going to need to accept that you can never and will never know. I think everything indicates he deserves to be trusted and she is likely making it up but you will never actually know either way and you can't expect to either. That really is the risk we all take in any relationship and is the essence of real trust and faith in someone else.

Offred · 31/07/2015 22:03

Rocket

Lacoba66 · 31/07/2015 22:11

Notrocketscience

I have NO idea who you have mistaken me for, but I am not on your list of mates, nor with your (warped) ideas of people that are friends of yours...

As your name suggests- you're not!!!

Sorry OP for the Twat intervention.

TRexingInAsda · 31/07/2015 22:11

I'm a fully paid-up member of the LTB brigade, and I'm with everyone else here. Her story makes no sense, her actions are inconsistent with her story (eg saying she wants to let you know, but then not responding to questions she can't easily bullshit through), she's full of crap, he hasn't done it. DON'T LTB! But do both of you block her on FB.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 22:16

I make no apology for the fact that reality is often harsh.

However, my response to the OP was not meant harshly and was intended to show the danger of letting one's fears and insecurities overcome the power of reason as allowing them free rein could irrevocably damage or destroy a good relationship.

As with those cases where infidelity is proved beyond doubt, where anyone is falsely accused or suspected by their partner/spouse of cheating I have no compunction about shouting LTB as lack of trust in a relationship makes it untenable.

Lacoba66 · 31/07/2015 22:19

And your point is?

Lacoba66 · 31/07/2015 22:23

Perhaps it's a 'step away' from the keyboard moment- been there myself.

Shitmyhairdressersays · 31/07/2015 23:05

Lacoba I think there's been some crossed wires with you and Rocket. She wasn't having a pop at you it was just friendly banter.

sensiblesometimes · 31/07/2015 23:07

Yeah I didn't get it either ...but I sure did back away from the keyboard for a second

notrocketscience · 31/07/2015 23:13

Smyhairdresser

Thank you! I was a bit hurt by her response because it was just friendly banter and like sensible I backed away...

I do find some posters a little hostile sometimes and wonder why I come on here.

Still I hope the lovely OP is reassured and much happier now because that is really what I wanted.

Shitmyhairdressersays · 31/07/2015 23:37

MN seems to have an aggressive edge to it with posters tonight.
I just read another thread where the OP recanted a moving experience she'd just had and a slurry of posters ripped into her

I got what you meant and the nature of it Rocket

OP is probably cuddled up with her man now!

Sandbrook · 31/07/2015 23:45

Sorry if I missed this answer but did your DP message her (and you) and ask her why she lied about them kissing?
It's my first reaction to the whole scenario as we had an episode at a wedding years ago when an ex of my DH told me that they had kissed in the garden.
I asked my DH about it, he marched up to ex, asked her 'for a word' and in front of me demanded to know why she lied.
Cue a very awkward 5 minutes of her stuttering, stammering, desperately trying to claim it happened and then the final breakdown, tears, admitting to making it up as she was jealous as he has never 'looked' at her the way he looked at me ????
Always stuck in my mind, someone with nothing at all to hide will do anything to clear their name.

Daisychain5 · 31/07/2015 23:59

Sorry to go against the grain here, but I think they had a one night stand, for old time's sake, and then he tried to bin her off. She's seen her arse and thought 'how dare you do that to me and walk away'.....so she told you.

TRexingInAsda · 01/08/2015 07:24

Er, Daisychain that's way more than even what the woman herself alleges happened, so either you're the world's most paranoid person - congrats, or you are trying to shit the OP up. People do worse on the internet, but that's still a pretty shit thing to do. Maybe get yourself to the GP and see if you have a personality disorder?

Offred · 01/08/2015 08:57

Harsh!

A personality disorder?!

Though I think it's highly unlikely what daisy thinks is true.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/08/2015 09:28

It's perfectly possible that what this woman said was true but presented in such a way as to imply far more. I had that done to me once. At a work party a colleague gave me an unexpected peck on the cheek, with his wife standing next to him smiling. (I think a lot of people in that job thought of me as a dear little pet - I was young, enthusiastic, green and kind of bewildered by life.) Shortly afterwards my boyfriend arrived and someone took it upon themselves to tell him they had seen me and colleague kissing. Well, in a sense it was true, a kiss did happen, but a reciprocal snog it was not. (Boyfriend chose to believe the worst, had a huge rant with me, I ended up in the toilets crying... later, I married him. Yes, this was the infamous XH. Would that Mumsnet had been around in those days.)

I don't actually see anything wrong with a quick hug/peck between former lovers as a greeting. I'm not heavily into that myself even with family (I only have the one ex and wouldn't touch him with someone else's barge pole) but a lot of people I know are. DSis, for example, is a very huggy person and on good terms with most of her exes. It doesn't have to mean a thing, depending on context.

sleepsoftly · 01/08/2015 12:08

I think its typical of a Friday night myhairdresser which I put down to the fact that more people drink (and people drink more) on a Friday night, so it brings the bad character out.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 01/08/2015 15:07

Anyhooooo!

How are you today op?

All seems better in daylight I think?

Hope you are well.

Doodlebug300 · 01/08/2015 20:50

I don't understand why anybody here is deciding that they are 'convinced' he did or did not cheat based on the information here!?? Or even saying this is a 'love story' and he sounds 'sweet'. There really isn't enough to go on AT ALL. He might be a lovely, wronged guy here or he might be a multiple-cheating bastard for all we know. My hunch is that he was on a night out and had a snog with her as it was easy/familiar and then she got pissed off to realise it wasn't a little kindling of their old flame but actually the same cheating shit she broke up with years ago. She probably felt stupid and angry and also didn't want the OP to be as duped as she was back then. But I stress again that this is just a theory. There's a really good way of finding out the truth though - get HIM to message her and insist on seeing what she replies with. I.e. he messages 'Why did you message X saying something happened between us when you know full well nothing happened?'

notrocketscience · 01/08/2015 21:02

Major flaw there doodlebug
If this woman is purely mischief making she will be bright enough to reply back "what do you mean? It is true...ect ect". This plays right into her hands.

Sandbrook · 01/08/2015 21:31

That's the point though notrocketscience,
OP does not need to know the other girls answer, she just needs to know if the DP is willing to send this message. Therein lies her answer.
If he refuses, makes excuses, fudges it in anyway then OP knows there's something he's not telling her.
If he agrees to message her and hides nothing then she knows nothing happened.
Totally agree Doodlebug.

Daisychain5 · 01/08/2015 22:21

Ha ha TRexingInAsda.......I have a personality disorder, simply because I don't agree with you? I was under the impression this was a discussion forum....you know, where people put forward their various opinions......but obviously they are only valid if they concur with your own thoughts?!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread