I don't know if I should believe him

[SilverFeather]

Somebody is claiming that my DP has cheated on me with them. Until this point I trusted him 100% but have a history of being cheated on in previous relationships.

I don't know what to think. My friends/family tell me to go with my gut instinct but this changes on almost an hourly basis. Part of me thinks that there's no way he'd do this to me, we've been very happy together and I know he adores me. He's also absolutely adamant that nothing has gone on and he's very believable. The other part of me thinks that there's no smoke without fire and that its unusual for people to make up these kind of lies. I don't know this woman so she has no reason to want to hurt me although she dated my DP a long time ago and according to DP was angry at him for breaking it off.

This is tearing me apart. I love DP but I can't stay in a trustless relationship. Anyone got any advice? Should I believe him or not?

Who was he supposedly out with? There must have been other people there.

Can I just say that a lot of 'die hards' refer to us mumsnetters, as being always in the LTB brigade, this thread has shown that it's not so!

I hope we are all right, but it does show a balanced view..

OP, from what you have told us, I to think your DP sounds okay. Wish you both well

How awful.

I agree that her story sounds made up. Why would someone who, up until now, has been absolutely trustworthy and lovely risk everything for one kiss after he met an ex randomly in a public place?

His phone is clean, he is 'doing everything right', except for her story you would have no issue with him.

I seriously doubt anyone would bother with the 'you need to know' stuff unless more had gone on than one kiss.

It sounds like spitefulness on her part to me.

Poor you.

Thanks everyone. Just hearing that others would believe him is reinforcing the part that thinks he wouldn't do it.

Lacoba, I think her initial message went into my 'others' inbox which I regularly check because I'm selling some stuff on Facebook and the messages sometimes go into that.

alpha, DP says that when he saw her, he was just leaving so was on his own but stopped to chat for a few minutes. According to him she was telling him that she'd recently broken up with someone as he'd not been very nice to her. He said he was sympathetic and then mentioned he was now in a relationship. Then they parted ways.

I guess her version doesn't make any sense when I think about it unless he did kiss her and then had an attack of the conscience and stopped it at that point? I wish I knew for certain.

Silver

The more I hear, the more I am CONVINCED he is innocent. He sounds adorable and if you don't give him a ring right now and let him come to you then I want him please!

(only joking and wanting to make you smile :o) )

Come on darling, here are all us embittered twisted old mumsnetters actually agreeing on his innocence. (No offence intended btw just referring to Lacoba's post)

He sounds lovely, just really lovely.

My suggestion is that you and your DP (together) block her.

It is very difficult when you get an outsider/troublemaker try to influence where your life is going, but both of you are the drivers in this!

Let him know your concerns again, but if he proves himself, then you either have to open yourself up to a bit of emotional vulnerability (as in any relationship) or cut clear.

But why would he want to kiss her?!

They literally must have spent all of 2 minutes together... I don't think it makes any sense what she claims happened. No sense at all.

Usually people who kiss then have a pang of conscience have spent a while building up to there with an EA or are blind drunk and the person is someone they have some feelings for.

I just don't think any of that could possibly apply here.

She's basically claiming that they bumped into each other at random, haven't had any kind of contact prior, swapped pleasantries for a short space of time and then he randomly kissed her then said he had a GF... It just seems implausible and he has a good track record up until her intervention.

notrocketscience

How dare you refer to me as possibly 'embittered' - lol!

I hope OP understands our humour...

How long have you been with your dp and do you live together?

In what way can it be said that he cheated on you? By unexpectedly bumping into this particular ex and giving her a kiss hello/goodbye?

If, as she claims, he did kiss her it's unlikely to have been any more than the type of token kiss that's commonplace when, whether planned or unplanned, those who know each other meet up in the street.

Or do your imaginings have it that their eyes locked across a crowded road and they launched themselves at each other whereupon she fell on his dick they engaged in a bodice ripping snogfest while passers-by gazed on in envy awe?

She's told you that when she asked for his number he told her "he was sorry but he couldn't as he had a girlfriend". Doesn't that tell you this woman has made contact with you out of spite because he made it clear he wasn't interested in her advances? It appears that you've had this confirmed by the friend who told you she was a troublemaker.

I'm not surprised he's hurt that you've chosen to pay attention to this woman. If I had a partner who put the word of one of my exes above mine I'd walk because, as you rightly say, a relationship without trust is hell and I wouldn't want be to around someone who didn't trust me.

Fwiw, I'd also be mightily peeved if they made a mountain out of a molehill by discussing something of so little consequence with their family and friends as I'd fear that they may be looking at me as if I'd got horns coming out of my head consider me to be untrustworthy.

Please seek professional help for your trust issues otherwise you could fall into the trap of spoiling good relationships because you've had a few bad ones.

He'd have to be completely sexually incontinent for her story to be true, and you don't believe he is even though you have difficulty with trust - which really says to me he is completely innocent, poor guy!

My theory is...

They saw each other...she started a big pity party story about being lonely, dumped etc. He, in a typical bloke way said, there there dear without picking up a single signal. His relationship status came up in the conversation, he glowing reported he was very happy with you and things were great and unknowingly blew her off.

She followed up with a check on his FB profile and saw a picture of you both looking loved up and it pissed her off so she got spiteful.

The fact that you can't contact her speaks volumes doesn't it? Either he's told her to piss off, or someone else warned her he was mad about it.

He sounds ok. And it's alright to tell him you feel insecure and could he drop you a Whatsapp of an evening.

I don't know what it is with some people, that if they're not happy then no one else can be. My DP's ex is in a relationship with two more kids, he has been single (well nothing serious) since the split.

Now that I'm on the scene she wants special meetings in the pub to discuss their child, asking him to invite her in for coffee and giving the daughter the third degree on whether she saw us kissing.

She didn't give a blue shite before.

Make yourself busy with something tonight...and be kind to yourself.

goddess- of something....

Fuck me, go for it! There was lots of other things in the OP's responses, but go ahead and ignore them!

I trust you won't be offended if I pass on your offer to fuck you, Lacoba, and if you will kindly point out what I've ignored in the OP's responses I'll attempt to address them in my usual go for it forthright manner.

I agree with goddess in spirit but wouldn't have put it so harshly. He isn't to blame for how other men have treated her and I think it is necessary to work on issues that you have that are likely to poison relationships.

I do think that the idea of someone making something up and doing this is just so difficult to believe that most people would be knocked for six if they were put in this position though. I still think she has made it up though and I'm one of the 'hairy arm pitted man hating lesbian feminists who always cry LTB at the drop of a hat and will be alone forever because I'm so unreasonable' posters... Or so people often tell me.

notrocketscience, if I could clone him, I would. He's definitely a sweetheart which I mostly credit his mother for. She was a lone parent and I think she was determined her son would turn out different. He's very domesticated and emotionally intelligent - two qualities lacking from every other man I've dated. You and Lacob have both made me . I'm calming down now and feel less anxious about him being out tonight.

goddess, I feel a bit bad now. This all happened about a week ago and I have given him a had time. I guess I was partly testing him and partly trying to push him away because I was so confused. Until this incident, I really dos trust him. It's hard when experiebce has taught me that trusting men ends up with me getting hurt. That's what's been so hard about this, it has very nearly shattered my belief that he is different to the other men I've dated.

I think she mentioned that he said he had a girlfriend after she asked for his number to prove that she wouldn't have kissed him had she known prior. She said she's been cheated on before and would never do that to another woman.

We have plans to see each other tomorrow so I think I will do as notrocketscience suggests and make up. I think I owe him an apology too. He was going to cancel tonight but I insisted he still go but was a bit 'off' with him on the phone because I was worried about trusting him. I didn't want to spoil his night by letting on though so will explain tomorrow and apologise. He always periodically texts me when he is out even before this so I will probably get a couple later on.

Thanks again everyone. I was really sure I'd get at least a few doubtful posts.

Offred, that's exactly it - I just find it so hard to believe that people make this kind of stuff up. The other time this happened, my XH was also adamant that she was lying (although handled it all very differently and was not at all understanding or kind about my fears) and actually, it turned out she was probably telling the truth. That was his final affair because I left him after that but there were many many before her and so my self esteem and ability to trust were in the gutter. I just don't understand what she hoped to gain unless she was only doing what she was claiming - trying to give me a heads up.

I think she is malicious ...
am I right in understanding that she says: they kissed, he refused to give her his number and told her that he had a girlfriend .
If so she is basically annoyed because he rejected her (nasty jealous actions)
For you

Interesting. I had thought myself that this had all the hallmarks of a bitter woman out to cause trouble and was expecting to read through a chorus of LTB.

How unusual that you're getting universal agreement that he's been targeted unfairly.

Take care OP

She very likely, as pp said, hoped to put him in his place for not being her knight in shining armour after her woe is me tale of relationship woes IMO.

Gosh I'm a bit behind ...missed all the goddess writings somehow .....
I thinks she's right on all points
For what it's worth

Hold him tight tomorrow

Silver

Well when he texts you (oh how sweet is he?) tonight you tell him to get his ar*e round to you TONIGHT girl. Right now you both need a damn good hug and a cuddle and make it up so well that no jealousy can ever come between you again.

Glad Lacoba and I made you laugh. We're just off to stir our cauldrons now and put lemons on our warts. Not like us to be nice you see.

PS Lacoba - I recognise warped humour when I see it. Back at you girl! X

If he really had just randomly fallen on her face and not discussed you surely he would have just never mentioned you and given her a fake number or made some other excuse.

Op, I had a similar-ish experience with my dp not long after we got together. For context, a few months before we got together he had a bit of an emotional thing with someone but it all played out online and they never met. Anyway, at the time she had told him her marriage was over etc etc and it turned out that she and her dh were still very much together. The dh found out and all hell broke loose. At that point my dp backed off and cut all contact. Fast forward to not long after we got together, and he had a message from this woman's dh saying that he knew who I was and was going to tell me everything. so he contacted me on fb and told me that my dp had been having an affair with his wife right up to the point he first came to see me. I already knew the story at this point and I also knew that her dh is tbh a nasty piece of work in his own right, so I called his bluff and told him that I already knew and that I had in fact seen all the communications between her and my now dp, and that given dp was no longer on the scene perhaps he might like to be happy about that and work on his marriage.... Well, she went absolutely belistic and started demanding all sorts from him and me, told me that dp was a womaniser, that they were destined to be together etc etc and when I told her to go away she started spreading the rumour among mutual friends that I had threatened to report her to social services if she didn't back off from my dp because it was actually her he wanted and not me.

Now, I can understand that her dh was somewhat annoyed to discover his wife was having an online EA. However I think that she very much lied about her part in it (and yes, I have since seen communications between them) to protect herself but it all blew up in her face. However she is a nasty vindictive bitch and I would never have thought it possible if I hadn't experienced it myself.

Just for the record, my dp ended it with her as soon as he found out her dh was still on the scene. And she has since gone on to have another affair so she is no innocent.

Offred

Laughed myself silly at your post!

See Silver, all us happy old witches turning soft because for once we all agree on a proper good love story playing out on here.

Not jealous much...:0)