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Original poster

Does the marriage ever work after an emotional affair (non sexual)

57 replies

Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 01:14

I won't do too long a post. He's been having an emotional affair, I really believe it isn't sexual, it's emotional support for both of them.

I love him so very much. Is it ever ok after an emotional affair - has anyone truely moved on or is it always a sign of the end? I genuinely can't believe he would do this, I always loved him because he was such a good man

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 21/07/2015 01:27

Why didn't he look for emotional support from you? Has he ended this affair? Does he want your marriage to work?

Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 01:36

He says I've changed (I have a little, I'm much busier than I used to be, more tired a little more grumpy) he says he's been unhappy for a while but he still loves me very much and wants it to work, swears he doesn't love her (we don't have children or anything that would force him to stay with me, I know she loves him, he has admitted that)

He keeps saying it's stopped but we argued tonight and he text her again. He said he is prepared to cut her out of his life but what if I just can't believe him anymore? I never thought he would hurt me, I never dreamt he was this man

OP posts:
Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 01:37

I just wonder, has anyone ever truly got passed something like this, or does it always eat you away? Once the trust is gone, is it always gone? Any hope stories??

OP posts:
Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 02:05

From what he tells me they "just talk" about day to day things. If what he says is true there has been no sexual talk, no overt flirting, no promises of commitment to each other. And yet he keeps lying to me

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 21/07/2015 02:20

He has betrayed you by forming a relationship with her. If you want this pain to end you have to get rid of him. It will hurt for ages. But if you carry on with him, it will hurt forever.

It doesn't matter whether you've changed or not. He formed a pair with you, he married you and committed to being faithful. And now he isn't. Don't accept the blame for any of it, its him, not you.

heyday · 21/07/2015 02:20

Perhaps you need to establish what it is that you are truly threatened by. He has a relationship with another woman. It's non sexual (as far as you know) so he hasn't been unfaithful. In some way she is necessary in his life. If you can see her as being a female friend, albeit an important one, then perhaps this can reduce your anxiety.
My partner and I were together for many years but then split up for four years, had relationships with others, but then got back together again. We are very committed to each other and very much in love so I found it a real shock to later find out he was still in an EA with the woman he had a relationship whilst we were apart. He had the worse fights ever as I shouted at him and called him every name under the sun. I said he had to stop all contact with her or else we would split up for good. He did stop all contact, as far as I know. In hindsight I think it was my own insecurity that created the chaos. I know he loves me. I know he can be trusted so I had to work out why I felt so threatened. They had a relationship but it was over and I learnt to let go of my anger and fear. I have men in my life with whom I have a level of emotional connection. If my partner told me I had to end that relationship I really don't know what I would do as they are important to me, in a different way that my partner is important, but nonetheless still important.
Of course you can move on from this. It's all about how much you want to do so, how honest you and your partner can be and how you can both adapt to find a harmonious way forward. It's all about honesty, communication and trust. Maybe she is not the biggest threat to your relationship....perhaps her real importance in his life is not great........ She maybe important in his life but nowhere near as important as you are and that's something to hold onto during this difficult time.

Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 02:40

I'm not the jealous type, all his close friends are females and I've never batted an eyelid. This is an emotional affair and my distress is caused by the fact that firstly he knows she is in love with him (she is a young troubled girl and is clearly placing her life on hold for him) because he always texts her in secret never in front of me (I have caught him on multiple occasions) because they both refuse to involve me in anything, he absolutely won't show me their texts and even though he has admitted what he is doing is wrong, he's still doing it 6 months later.

And yet, I really do love him. I honestly thought we had got passed this. I really want to make it work, he says he does too. I just don't know? I don't want to have to live a life without him but I don't want to have to live with the relationship the way it is

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 21/07/2015 03:11

How old is she and do you know her parents?

I find it hard to believe that his obviously longstanding liaison with this young girl is as entirely innocent as he's telling you/you seem to believe.

The only way you'll know for sure is by taking a look at the texts/emails they've been sending each other. If he refuses to give you access to them, I suggest you tell him you intend to divorce him for adultery and name her as co-respondent as only a wake-up call of this nature is likely to concentrate his mind on what he stands to lose if he continues to communicate with her.

In any event, you don't stand a chance of making your marriage work while she continues to be more important to him than you are.

Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 03:18

She's 21 and her parents were abusive. He says he won't show me the texts because she recounts her trauma in them and I have no right to see that.

This is how I feel, no hope until he's honest with me. It's still the most ridiculous thing! Why is he throwing out marriage away for this? He tells me I'm the only person he ever really loved, that he believes I love him more than anyone ever has. It makes no sense!

But still, with all my posts aside, I did wonder if anyone had stories of hope. I can hold on through the shit if I have hope we can just be happy again, that I won't always hate him for this?

I do wish I could sleep .....

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 21/07/2015 04:23

Milky drink? Dire early am tv? Absorbing book? Fantasies about your favourite Hollywood hunk?

He's hit on the perfect cop-out, hasn't he? 'I can't show you the texts because it would be a breach of confidence', except that he's not her social worker, doctor, shrink, or counsellor and he should be steering her in the direction of professionals who can help her in ways that he can't even begin to imagine - for all that's known, he could be doing far more harm than good in more ways than one.

I daresay there are numerous positive tales of recovery after emotional and physical affairs hidden somewhere on this board but, again, you've got no chance of contributing one until such time as he ends his association with this young woman and is completely honest with you.

How long do you intend to go on being long-suffering and have you thought of having a word with her yourself?

AnyFucker · 21/07/2015 04:54

this is why it won't work:

we had an argument so he text her again

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/07/2015 05:01

Yes, people get past emotional affairs.

But general not if one party behaves as your DH is behaving.

He seems far too interested in maintaining contact with this woman, being her knight in shining armour, and being flattered by her attention.

Canyouforgiveher · 21/07/2015 05:05

He says he won't show me the texts because she recounts her trauma in them and I have no right to see that.

So he has invested enough emotionally in another woman that you have no rights to see her texts - they are special to him and her.

I have male friendships and sometimes I do share stuff with those male friends (ditto female friends) that I mightn't with my dh - views on novels or aspects of politics - NOTHING I wouldn't want dh to see. This "you don't have a right" and "her trauma" trumping your reasonable expectation of honestly and openness in a marriage ... this stinks. It stinks of a man who is about to embark on an affair even if he hasn't done it already.

OP. you should presume your dh is about to be unfaithful to you if he hasn't been already. And with a younger vulnerable woman - way to go for him.

I think in a couple of years time you will be divorced from him and you will look back at this time and think "why didn't I see the writing on the wall?"

learntoloveagain · 21/07/2015 05:54

If he is still contacting her six months later against your wishes, well you know him unimportant you and your feelings are to him.

And she's 21! And smitten with him.

I think it's ultimatum time and you have to be very firm and mean it. He is taking you for a fool.

FolkGirl · 21/07/2015 06:29

I'm afraid I agree with the others.

Janette123 · 21/07/2015 06:42

Blue2014,
I am sorry you are going through this.
I believe that it is possible for some couples to move past this but it takes work by both parties.
Firstly the person having the affair must stop it, be truly sorry and be prepared to commit fully to the relationship.
There must be complete transparency.
Both need to go to Marital Counselling and the cheating party needs to go to Individual Counselling to explore why they felt the need to do this.
After all this it may take several years to regain trust again.

I can't see any remorse from your H, nor any desire to stop what he is doing.

Please see a solicitor as soon as you can and discuss your options ( you don't need to tell H yet).
Your H isn't the man you thought he was - sorry x

Iamalwayswrong · 21/07/2015 06:55

How do you know they haven't had sex?

Why is he responsible for her?

He's not stopping contacting her therefore he's not investing in your marriage.

He's being a shit to her too because he knows how she feels about him and he knows she is vulnerable yet he carries on.

learntoloveagain · 21/07/2015 08:26

You are asking if there is hope 'after' an emotional affair but he is smack bang in the middle of one.

Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 08:31

Thank you everyone, I eventually fell asleep but only with the use of medication . We are talking now, he says he knows his behaviour is wrong but we haven't come to a solution of how I can actually believe him when he says he will stop.

I know I sound like a complete idiot, I'm still processing things, I'm just lost. I don't feel I can just leave him, I still love him too much (and I always believed if a man cheated on me, I wouldn't automatically leave but would instead try to work things out) I know that makes might make me a moron and I'm sorry. I really meant my vows when I said for better or worse, forsaking all others. I'm not sure he meant any of them (god this is so unlike him!)

OP posts:
worserevived · 21/07/2015 08:35

If you want him to end it (because he hasn't), kick him out. A the moment he is calling the shots so has no incentive to stop what is basically a massive ego boost for himself. You need to take control, shut off his options and make him realise the full implications of what he is doing.

Once you've done that I suspect you'll see him for the weak pathetic man that he is, and will l be loathe to take him back. I can't see him forging a successful long term relationship with an emotionally damaged much younger woman. She's going to be hard work.

learntoloveagain · 21/07/2015 08:38

You want to work things out but he doesn't seem prepared to. You can't do it alone.

pocketsaviour · 21/07/2015 09:05

I always believed if a man cheated on me, I wouldn't automatically leave but would instead try to work things out

That's fine in principle, but it will only work if BOTH of you want it to work. Right now it sounds like he is still carrying on with her if he's texting her still. That really doesn't sound like a man who wants to make his marriage work.

Can you ask him to leave for a bit to give you some headspace? Maybe he could stay with a friend or relative for a week or so, so you've got room to think about what YOU want?

VixxFace · 21/07/2015 09:46

You argued and he text her.
Honestly there appears to he no remorse or trying from him if he is still messaging her.

What will it take for you to see what is going on?

Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 10:36

We spoke properly and he is remorseful, he wants to make this work, he says he loves me and he knows he's messed up. He's very clear that he doesn't want a relationship with her but that she is serving as an ego boost for him. We are both taking time to reflect on what I need to feel like I can trust him. I honestly don't know what is happening. I won't leave right now, I know that. I guess I just need to see if things change.

Thank you again

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 21/07/2015 10:46

I don't think you will ever trust him. And that is the bottom line isn't it?

Unless he goes NC with her and maybe has some joint counselling and starts blaming himself and being totally honest with you - then your relationship will never work.

And if he has done this with a vulnerable girl, he isn't a good man. Sorry.

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