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Original poster

Does the marriage ever work after an emotional affair (non sexual)

57 replies

Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 01:14

I won't do too long a post. He's been having an emotional affair, I really believe it isn't sexual, it's emotional support for both of them.

I love him so very much. Is it ever ok after an emotional affair - has anyone truely moved on or is it always a sign of the end? I genuinely can't believe he would do this, I always loved him because he was such a good man

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/07/2015 11:43

Trouble is, there's just no remorse, is there? He's aware you'll do almost anything to avoid a split, so carries on knowing there'll be no real consequences. The refusal to show you the phone is especially telling and his ridiculous excuse makes it almost certain there's a lot more to this than he's telling you

From experience I can tell you it's not the immediate angt which really gets you - it's the long term lack of trust which eats away, making it even more difficult to get yourself out of this hideous situation. After all this deceit, the PP is unfortunately correct ... it's either some upset now which will pass, or future unhappiness which will go on and on and on

ChilliAndMint · 21/07/2015 11:43

I think he's playing you both TBH.

Using her troubled childhood as an excuse to maintain contact is a ridiculous cop -out.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/07/2015 11:44

Angst, not angt Blush

andthenagain · 21/07/2015 11:49

He is talking a good game--but he will start texting her in secret again but you already know that don't you.

there have been no penalty/punishment for his actions, a small slap on the wrist from you then things carry on as usual. Of course he is remorseful-sorry he got caught AGAIN not for the actual deed.

Bottom line you can't trust him.

Jan45 · 21/07/2015 12:22

Don't listen to his words, they mean nothing, he lies, he tells you whatever he thinks you want to hear, look at his actions, you argued, he texted her, hardly the motives of someone who wants to repair a relationship.

As for it being non sexual, you really need to wise up.

He sounds vile OP, staying with you but still carrying on with her, get rid for your own self respect.

Original poster
Bule2004 · 21/07/2015 12:26

He's agreed to go no contact, and counselling. He admits he's at fault

Thank you for the responses, they have helped me to process and move forward with a plan of what I need. I'm going to take a step away from MN now and visit a friend. Thank you being there.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/07/2015 12:34

That's big of him to admit he's at fault..........we all have a line, for me, he crossed it a long time ago and would be out the door already, you prefer to stay, I can tell you for nothing, he will still be keeping contact with her, he basically has carte blanche to do whatever he likes, until you stand up for yourself and tell him to leave, be prepared for more shit coming your way - all you are doing is giving him the green light to carry on, about time you got angry OP and got some self respect.

butterflygirl15 · 21/07/2015 12:50

I hope you learn to value yourself and see that you deserve way better than what he is offering you.

ChilliAndMint · 21/07/2015 12:55

This what I think is going on:

.If your significant other repeatedly talks about another woman you've never met, there's a good chance she might be his new lover—especially if, when you question him about her, he says, "She's just a friend," but his enthusiasm is just a bit too much to believe. While you may assume no man would be stupid enough to actually bring up his mistress with his wife or girlfriend, experts say many men do. "Sometimes cheaters take the strategy of being half truthful, because in some ways it's less of a heavy burden if half of the cat is out of the bag. Plus, he may be thinking about this new person so much that he can't help talking about her," explains Dr. Oikle

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/07/2015 13:11

I think some posters are being very harsh OP
I think it is definitelypossible to get past an affair,though, oddly , I think an emotional (or even intellectual)affair can be harder to cope with .It can't be 'dimissed' as a fling .Nor do I think it inevitable that it would develop into a sexual relationship .
There are many reasons people get themselves into these situations-perhaps your husband was feeling neglected and that you didn't care as much for him as previously .The obvious, mature , reaction
is of course to discuss it,but we all
make mistakes .The main
thing which would concern me is this girl's youth-I assume you and DH are rather older? I agree he's probably flattered by her dependency
I think if you can agree he cuts off all contact with her and that you try and make each other your priority you can move on .As for trusting him, I have two close friends whose DHs had affairs (in one case for three years)They both say you have to ,and can, trust again.
Ideally you and DH should try and get the girl some help but I realise this would be a big ask for you .

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/07/2015 13:14

And I don't think working on a relationship makes you a moron ,OP

IrianofWay · 21/07/2015 16:23

"And I don't think working on a relationship makes you a moron ,OP"

Quite.

However getting past something means it has to have ended.

If it's genuinely over you have a chance. But it will take time.

gildedcage · 21/07/2015 17:15

Sorry but you are going to feel much much worse before it gets better!

Ultimately you always thought you'd leave because that's your rational mind with applied logic. You are not thinking with rationality or logic now, you're simply reacting to a situation created by your dh.

You know those messages are more than he claims. Try to apply your rational mind, even if he stops contact now what about next time you argue?

gildedcage · 21/07/2015 17:21

Also for the record I don't think that you're a moron for staying. But it really be him who is trying and so far his behaviour is not that of someone seeking forgiveness.

Ultimately what I would suggest is that you look to you. You can always trust you. If you choose to stay make that a conscious decision not one born from fear of change.

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2015 17:30

Are you married- or living together? How old are you both and how long married?

Yes, people can get over all kinds of affairs- emotional and physical.
But you and him need to talk over what is going on with this woman.

She's 21- still very young. It would worry me that a man was talking to
so meone so young because what exactly is he getting out of it- and more to the point what is she, given he's married? Does she know he's married?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/07/2015 17:46

The best way your husband could prove his affair was not sexual is by showing you the texts. Since he won't, you WOULD be a fool to believe that it was just emotional. Would it make any difference to you to know that he has lied to you repeatedly and shagged her?

You say he's going no contact. He has said that several times over the past 6 months, no? He told you he had stopped it and then contacted her last night.

Why do you think things are any different today?

How old is your DH?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/07/2015 17:48

From what he tells me they "just talk" about day to day things. If what he says is true there has been no sexual talk, no overt flirting, no promises of commitment to each other. And yet he keeps lying to me

People don't lie for 'just talk about day to day things'. They don't go back again and again for 'just talk about day to day things'.

Jan45 · 21/07/2015 17:50

I have no idea why you think it is not sexual.

Lovingfreedom · 21/07/2015 18:00

'He says I've changed' ...so basically it's your fault...Hmm

ChilliAndMint · 21/07/2015 18:29

I have no idea why you think it is not sexual.

I'm not surprised you DH has told you this young woman is in love with him.. Sorry OP but that is exactly what cheating partners say.

If he was not sexually or romantically attracted to her he would have given her a very wide berth , not engaged in clandestine messages and goodness know what else.

You say he has lots of female friends, you gut instinct is telling you that he is up to something....listen to it!

ALaughAMinute · 21/07/2015 19:02

If he hasn't slept with her yet, he clearly has a sexual interest in her.

For better or worse doesn't mean you have to stay with a cheat!

If I were you, I'd kick him out!

owlborn · 21/07/2015 19:48

Hrm. I do think he's not necessarily unreasonable not showing you the texts. I don't believe that telling one half of a marriage something means you've automatically told both parties.

I do think that if she's in love with him and that makes you uncomfortable and upset then for BOTH your sakes (her and you, I'm less fussed about him) he ought to take a step back and tell her that this kind of close emotional contact isn't a good idea, especially if she's vulnerable and relying on him.

I do think relationship counseling is a good idea. Maybe don't phrase it to him as 'you have to do this so you can accept how wrong you are' which I think is often what people hear when they feel under attack, but more so you can both understand what has gone wrong in your marriage and resolve it.

If it helps, my DH had an emotional affair, with a much younger woman, which turned into kissing and cuddling. We separated for a while as a result of this, he had a short relationship with OW, then we eventually got back together and are very solid these days. But as far as I can tell, we did everything 'wrong' when we got back together - he didn't go NC with OW, and still saw her socially for ages, and is still friends with her on FB although they don't really talk now, I've never had access to his e mail or social media although I don't think we have any major secrets these days, and we tried to take a very strong no blame approach of 'this stuff broke us and we want to fix that and view the affair as a symptom and not a cause'. So I ended up dealing with a lot of my crap too.

Dunno. Your mileage may vary but it worked for us.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 21/07/2015 20:03

I'm sorry you're going through this.

If he won't show you the messages it's probably because there's something in there that blows his story out the water, probably sexual stuff. He's only telling you what he needs to to get you to comply with his plan to carry on regardless.

If he texts her when you argue and won't be honest he's not committed to fixing this, he just wants to be able to get away with it.

If you have no DC, why are you so desperate to believe him?

BoxOfKittens · 21/07/2015 21:16

By not showing you the texts due to them containing details of her trauma, he is risking his relationship with you by putting her confidentiality first.

If the personal information that she has shared with him is genuinely the reason for not showing you the texts then he needs to realise that it is his fault for getting himself into this situation and that showing you is the only way forward. Is there no way of just looking of your own accord? You've given him opportunities to put this right and he hasn't.

She loves him so there's obviously been some discussion along that line at least, if nothing sexual. And if the feelings are not mutual then he may be stringing her along to keep his ego boost going with vague hints that he feels the same.

To rebuild trust after an emotional affair you need everything out in the open and all contact with the other party to be cut dead. It sounds like you aren't at that stage yet and that the affair is still going on (are you the person who posted a while ago about your husband talking to a troubled girl who would hide in the toilet to message her and whatnot?)

Montane50 · 22/07/2015 00:10

Shes in love with him, and you've changed. It seems your husband likes to blame anyone but himself.
Also, why would she declare love during messages of general day to day-its unlikely to say the least.
Theres no point posting asking for opinions and advice, the only person who you need to talk to and get actual answers from is your husband. Personally if i know what im dealing with, i can deal with it-its not knowing thats unbearable.