Does the marriage ever work after an emotional affair (non sexual)

[Bule2004]

I won't do too long a post. He's been having an emotional affair, I really believe it isn't sexual, it's emotional support for both of them.

I love him so very much. Is it ever ok after an emotional affair - has anyone truely moved on or is it always a sign of the end? I genuinely can't believe he would do this, I always loved him because he was such a good man

I, too, am guilty of having an emotional affair. It's not my proudest moment. I still & probably always will carry a huge amount of guilt. Both my partner & I have now moved on & worked through our issues coming out much stronger than we had been for years. We were both brutally honest, brutally open & have continued to be ever since. It was an extremely shit situation to end up in but it has definitely helped us as a couple - to grow & fall in love again.

So my personal, short opinion to you is, yes. It can work after an emotional affair but it needs time, patience, commitment & a lot of communication. Without those key things, it will fail. (I have also cut out all contact with the other person - texting, calling & physically seeing - Your husband is going to need to do the same. My partner would not of stayed around to even work things out if I'd even considered trying to remain friends with this other person. And rightly so. I respect that wholeheartedly & I don't think things would of worked out the way they had had I stayed in touch with the other person).

I'd like to add though, that from being the one on the other side

He says he won't show me the texts because she recounts her trauma in them and I have no right to see that.

This is something I used as an excuse myself when my partner asked to use my phone one day (innocently to phone his mother). Yes, the person I had built up this friendship / relationship with had told me things about his past & personal ''secrets'' but that wasn't the reason I didn't show my other half - there was much more to it. Please be aware that this is very probably the case in this instance too.

I wish you both the best of luck & really hope you can work things out

We are talking now, he says he knows his behaviour is wrong but we haven't come to a solution of how I can actually believe him when he says he will stop.

Interesting use of future tense... he says he willl stop but when will he assure you he has stopped?

You have been exceedingly forebearing and it's now time for you to give him both barrels an ultimatum because there's no way you can move on from his long-going affair with another woman - and at 21 she's hardly a 'young girl' - while he's continuing to place her alleged needs above hers.

As AF observed earlier, when you argued with him his reaction was to text her which suggests that, even if he were to assure you his affair is over, you are destined to tread on eggshells for fear you may say something which will propel him back into her metaphorical or, as I suspect is the case, literal arms.

Bule, in one of your earlier posts you mentioned you didn't have children or anything that would force him to stay. Having children won't change him and force him to do anything, except get better at hiding stuff. Oh, and blaming you. He's got a nerve hasn't he? Plus you might actually want him to leave after being up all night with DC and he's really busy texting his little friend.

Does he ever meet this woman or is it all on text? Do you know her? And frankly, if he knows she's in love with him he is doing her no favours by encouraging her to text a married man and spill all her secrets. And you know about it! Can you imagine - her parents or friends find out and she says " oh, his wife knew..."

If she is as young and vulnerable as you say ( or think) he should back off. Or does he plan to spend the rest of his life texting her and screwing up birth your lives?

Oh, and he won't let you see the texts- say " ok, they can't ALL be spilling drama, just the day to day ones" but really, I don't see why you care, or have any respect for him atm.

Agree with the other posters who have said the only way you can move on is if he cuts ALL contact and fully discloses .5 years on from what I will always regard as an emotional affair DH and I have moved on and rebuilt our marriage.But only because on the day of discovery,via other woman's husband looking on her her phone and ringing him whilst I was with him he ceased all contact and changed his work routine to avoid meeting her because he knew it would be too distressing and destroy any chance of us staying together.
They had met almost weekday for several months for lunchtime walks and chats.About day to day stuff.And OW said it was just a 'bit of fun and banter' but it had progressed to sexually explicit texts and her telling him she loved him.So way beyond fun and ' banter ' to me.
DH moved heaven and earth,and initiated counselling to try and understand why he behaved as he did.I had to look hard at the dynamics of our relationship too.But I wanted no more lies,even by omission.You have stepped away you say from MN so may not read this .But I wish you well if you do.And it's good that he's making the right moves.Hopefully they are sincere and he's woken up to the reality.I gave my DH a chance because I believe in the shock of discovery like a rabbit in the headlights they try to minimise.But that's not acceptable long term.People underestimate the pain and damage caused by emotional affairs and secret friendships,but it's the day to day connection with an OW that hurts just as much as if it was physical IME.

He is definitely nailing her or at the very least he wants to

No it can't IMO it destroyed mine.

He left three times and came back, the fourth time he went I told him not to bother coming back.

He's had many failed relationships since and is now unhappy with his present very nice GF.

She knows his past yet still sticks around, beyond me why but nowt to do with me!

He

Something similar happened to me, I wrote about it in a separate thread. And I genuinely think that if you do something that is completely innocent, you wouldn't hide the messages.

Why would you not mention, hide things if it was all above board?