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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous emails bringing up past issues. Please help.

90 replies

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 09:28

Early in our relationship Dp and his Ex exchanged explicit messages and pictures. He had the perfect excuse of wanting to keep her happy so that he could see the children, that he knew he'd gone too far, he'd stopped and didn't expect me to find out. She helpfully let me know through screenshots of emails. It was a long time ago, I thought I had managed to put it out of my mind. Some things didn't add up, she mentioned Skype calls, he said he hadn't done anything on them, but sometimes it was easier to talk to his child on video than over the phone, but he swore blind he had no interest in his ex.

I've had an anonymous email. He doesn't know about the email as I need to sort my head out and work out what to do. There are screenshots of messages between the two of them within the last week, where His Ex has been bringing up that during the period of messages, they used to Skype and that they would both 'get off' on asking each other to do things. He has ignored any mention of this in replies and only responded to bits concerning his children. The email I've received says that there are recordings of the Skypes between them.

It was years ago, but I still feel devastated, and stupid that I didn't leave then and there. The timing of the email is perfect, we are about to get married. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2015 09:33

So, are you fairly confident that nothing of the sort has been going on for a few years now? What motivation do you think the ex has in dredging up the past at this point?

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2015 09:35

Well, it's pretty obvious it's her sending the emails isn't it? And the reason is clear if you're about to get married.

If you found out that he was involved with her still, what would you do about the wedding?

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2015 09:36

And you don't keep someone happy by sending them explicit messages!

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 09:36

I am as confident as I can be that nothing has happened since. But then, I believed him when he said they'd not done anything over camera. It makes us all sound like teenagers, how ridiculous. The only reason I can think of is the wedding. My mind is just such a mess.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 14/07/2015 09:37

OP, this is quite typical behaviour IME, and the timing is quite calculated to try to rattle you. Forgetting DPs Ex and her antics for a moment, it seems to me that DP is keeping on track by only responding where is affects DCs.

I don't want to minimise how hurt you feel but I don't think you should be devastated, if you can help it, because IMO this woman is just plain nasty. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her get to you.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 09:38

Yes, I know it's her sending emails, but they are from a made up name account. I know that you don't keep someone happy by doing what he did. It was a very fucked up situation.

OP posts:

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 09:40

Oh! What timing! Who do you think will gain from this?

Did you know they were in contact? I'd assume so, as they have kids. His answers seem to show he is ignoring much of her attempts to draw him in. Maybe her communication has always been like this and he is doing a stoic job of ignoring it all. I'd suspect the skypes would show much the same... her being all 'seductive' and him ignoring the provocation. After all, he has already confirmed what he has done and why.

Ask him. Show him the email. You can't get married with that not having been addressed by you, jointly. You certainly can't hide it and pretend it hasn't arrived. You deserve better and he deserves to know what is going on in your head... and hers!

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 09:42

Freda it's difficult to not feel devastated, we are so close to our wedding, I should have known something was going to be brought up by her, but it's still like a kick to the gut. I know you're right, its her plan to do as much damage as possible. He is doing the right thing by not engaging. But the thought still hurts. If he lied about that, and I accepted it, what else has he lied about?

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 14/07/2015 09:53

OP, in searching for lies from your DP you are doing exactly what the Ex wants. Neither of you should engage with this.

How about making a gingerbread woman of her and feeding it to the dog/cat/python - whatever you have to hand? What I mean is, do something, anything, to get all this spiteful behaviour out of your system and enjoy your lovely wedding. It would be a crime to let this low-life spoil it.

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 09:57

Freda is quite right OP.

You are giving her what she wants. You have the power to burst her bubble. You can shine light on her mischief and rob it of its power to hurt you. Don't let it fester. She will always be there and, by the sound of this, will always treat you like a much despised OW. Buckle up and ride it out. As Freda said, it would be wrong to let her nastiness ruin your life.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 10:06

I know you're both right, just with all the stress a wedding brings anyway, I needed to vent. Lou you're spot on with the OW bit. I wasn't, but she's determind to make it look like I was. I don't understand why, and it's done some serious damage in the past. She is just vicious. Unfortunately I had the pleasure of her threatening me in public, police had to be involved as it got quite out of hand. I am happy with Dp, we work very well together, I just need to get my mind over it all again.

OP posts:

TattyMonkey · 14/07/2015 10:09

Absolutely disgusting that she would send you these emails just before you are getting married! It makes me wonder what happened between her and your DP to make her so incredibly bitter! Maybe she is just a sociopath. It can't be good for her children that she is so embittered and clearly hasn't emotionally dealt with the breakup between herself and your DP!

I agree with the people above who are saying that you have to discuss it with your DP. I'm sorry that this had to happen to you - it's so nasty but I also agree with the people saying you should be able to work through this and still get happily married.
This doesn't mean that DP
Doesn't love you and cherish your relationship - that is what's pivotal to remember here!

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2015 10:26

You need to sit him down and tell him to be absolutely open with you. Tell him about the emails but don't tell him what they said exactly. Ask him to show you the records on his phone - if he won't, marriage is off.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 10:27

How do I bring it up without wanting to run away? I don't want to let her get to me, but she has managed to rattle me enough to be questioning myself and his truth.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 14/07/2015 10:29

I'd be tempted to reply with 'I hope they give you hours of pleasure' but you're best advised to rise above this particular act of spite which is clearly intended to stress you out and cause you to call off the wedding.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 10:30

Stressing me out is working. Why are people so cruel?

OP posts:

Drew64 · 14/07/2015 10:32

His Ex sounds like a toxic bitter slut to me!
Her timing is impeccable though, trying to throw a spanner in the works of your wedding.
Tell your DH, deal with it together, don't let the slut ruin your big day

Floundering · 14/07/2015 10:32

I'd bring it up in a "oh god look what the silly bitch is up to now" way ,see what he says ?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2015 10:35

You can also mention these emails to the police. Technically I think it counts as 'malicious communication' and they may well be happy to have a word with her, particularly as it's on record that she attacked you previously.
But you do need to talk it through with DP first. It sounds very much as though this is not his fault.

FredaMayor · 14/07/2015 10:36

Why are people so cruel?
IME because they can't accept the situation, deal with their feelings and move on. In this woman's mind you are the OW because you have DP and she doesn't - that's all that's necessary for her hatred.

A pp was right, it's a lousy thing for the DCs to witness.

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 10:49

Yes, if you already have had to call the police on her you could go back to them to register this... it is harassment, malicious and easily traced back to her, after all who else has a reason to do this pre-wedding?

But you have to tell OH. Just show him the email and tell him that it is obviously causing you pain and distress. You don't have to rake it all over, just make him aware that she is upping the ante and you need to work together as a team in order to rob her of any reward.

And a bit of self cbt maybe: poor woman must have the self esteem of a lugworm. Fancy holding a grudge all this time. Why can't she just delight in her beautiful kids? Silly mare! Destroying her own chance of happiness.

Play that in your head, on a loop, until you start to believe it

TheStoic · 14/07/2015 10:50

Just out of interest, has the ex repartnered?

If this was me, I would have a lawyer send her a 'cease and desist' letter, stating in no uncertain terms she is never to contact you again. If it's broken 'anonymously', there are obviously ways of tracing email accounts.

If you don't stop this now, these bombs will continue to drop on you whenever something happens in your life that pisses her off.

Joysmum · 14/07/2015 11:01

I totally disagree with everyone else.

I couldn't give a toss about her motives, thank god she's told you. You can investigate and decide what you want to do.

If it's true you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. If it's not true you can deal with her together and defuse her power over your relationship going forward.

NcForASec · 14/07/2015 11:12

I've name changed for this as I refuse to give her any satisfaction just in case she's on here. Anyway, my DHs ex contacts him every time it's our anniversary or the birthday of our DD. She tries to get him to meet up with her. He doesn't, he shows me what she sent and we laugh at her These emails sound similar in that it appears that it's her trying to get at you rather than a two way communication between her and your DH. Id definitely mention it to him, you can't get married with something like that hanging over you but it does sound as if he maybe hasn't done anything wrong. Hope it all works out, I know how things like this can make you doubt yourself and your DH

Aussiemum78 · 14/07/2015 11:24

I'd just reply "my fiance showed me those already, his ex is always trying to get back with him. She needs to move on. Whoever you are, thanks for letting me know ex is up to her crazy old tricks".

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