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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous emails bringing up past issues. Please help.

90 replies

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 09:28

Early in our relationship Dp and his Ex exchanged explicit messages and pictures. He had the perfect excuse of wanting to keep her happy so that he could see the children, that he knew he'd gone too far, he'd stopped and didn't expect me to find out. She helpfully let me know through screenshots of emails. It was a long time ago, I thought I had managed to put it out of my mind. Some things didn't add up, she mentioned Skype calls, he said he hadn't done anything on them, but sometimes it was easier to talk to his child on video than over the phone, but he swore blind he had no interest in his ex.

I've had an anonymous email. He doesn't know about the email as I need to sort my head out and work out what to do. There are screenshots of messages between the two of them within the last week, where His Ex has been bringing up that during the period of messages, they used to Skype and that they would both 'get off' on asking each other to do things. He has ignored any mention of this in replies and only responded to bits concerning his children. The email I've received says that there are recordings of the Skypes between them.

It was years ago, but I still feel devastated, and stupid that I didn't leave then and there. The timing of the email is perfect, we are about to get married. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 11:26

She has a partner, she's had several over the years since we have been together. Thereason Dp left is because she had an affair, there is evidence of this. For some reason she has decided that he was also having an affair, with me, and therefore he ruined their relationship.

Joysmum part of my still thinks your way. We have hashed out every little detail over the years of why he did what he did. And he always said that these video flings didn't happen. If they did, and she has evidence that just shows that he has lied to my face, for years, without any form of regret.

NcForASec thank you for sharing your experience. I hate to hear that she is still trying to interfere with your relationship, but it's good to hear that you're able to deal with it.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 14/07/2015 11:39

Op, the Ex would say she has recording of the Skype calls otherwise they would have no currency. My strong feeling is that they would have surfaced by now if they really existed.

What is that is making you doubt your DP? If there is nothing else then the Ex shoving this stuff back under your nose after all this time has been very effective, and you need to defuse this cXXp quickly before it makes you depressed.

mix56 · 14/07/2015 11:50

She sounds a bitter manipulative cow, trying to sabotage your wedding. you have to talk this thru with P see his reaction & also report to the police

FelicityGubbins · 14/07/2015 11:58

I would spin it round and reply saying "what kind of pathetic cow both retains and threatens others with recordings of her being used as free wank fodder?"

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 12:08

It is purely this email that has brought up doubts. I would love to send back a scathing, witty, sarcastic reply, but I think I need to completely ignore it don't I. I mustn't give her the satisfaction.

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 14/07/2015 12:09

I would say she had reason to believe that he was having an affair, given what he did at the beginning of your relationships. You partner is not covering himself in glory here much either. Has he explicitly told her to stop bringing up the past?

You need to speak to him and he needs to deal with her.

Rosieliveson · 14/07/2015 12:17

For me, the question would be whether his actions then would be enough to split you up now.
If the answer is yes then you need to talk to him. In this instance I would not reply to the email.
If no, then tell him so you aren't keeping a secret but also tell him that you appreciate that is the distant past and that you have seen his efforts to ignore her behaviour. In this instance I think my reply would be a wedding picture with the phrase 'the past is firmly in the past. We have no secrets. Please send any future mail to [email protected]'

bestguess23 · 14/07/2015 12:18

She sounds like she has serious issues but if it were me I would want to know if dp was lying. Could you give him one last chance to come clean? If he still denies it call her out together and ask her to send the recordings. He would surely be honest at that point if it is true or you will have called her bluff and know that he is honest. Either way you don't want to enter in to a marriage wondering if he is a liar, it could destroy your relationship.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 12:26

If he was using Skype to talk to his kids and him and her were exchanging pics and explicit emails I'd guess they have done video too, sorry but it would make sense, she's reminding him now of this interaction and he is trying to ignore it.

Sorry but I think he has lied and is lying.

I also think she must still hold a torch for him to be doing this years later. He needs to come clean imo, I wouldn't be entering a marriage with him without full disclosure, no matter how hurtful.

And as for having the perfect excuse to see his kids, you are joking right.

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 12:33

Entering into the 'prove it' dialogue would surely ruin the relationship anyway!

Either OP can deal with what may have gone on way back when or she cannot. The reason for telling OH is so that he is aware, not that he has to prove himself (again).

However, if OP cannot consign it all to the past then yes, another digging expedition needs to be done. At which point he may decide that he has had enough.

That is exactly what the ex wants to happen. All this turmoil, double thinking and distrust.

OP... imagine she is right and they did have such a Skype exchange. You know he would have lied so as not to upset you, whatever his reasons were for doing it... can you live with that? If so, forget it. It happened (whether or not it really did) and you can live with it as an aberration/thing.

If you can't then it will always be at the back of your mind... as this thread shows. And you will probably be eaten alive by it until you see what the Skype does or does not contain. But that isn't a good basis for marriage and you need to work that out, between you.

But that all depends on whether or not this has been in your mind before the emails arrived. If yes, you need to talk, again. If not, sod her. Tell him so he knows and can deal with her.

Good luck.

Isetan · 14/07/2015 12:56

Call her bluff and tell her to send you everything she has. She's either lying about Skype or she's telling the truth and I think you'd want to know one way or the other. Personally, I wouldn't view it as her winning or losing because she isn't the focus, it's wether your OH has been lying to you for years and considering he's got form, your doubts are totally understandable.

Sending explicit emails to an Ex in order to keep them sweet is just , how did you keep a straight face when that gem was delivered.

Kintsugi · 14/07/2015 13:07

I agree with Isetan - I think the correct response / phrase is
"Put up - or Shut up"

Isetan · 14/07/2015 13:08

Seriously LazyLouLou, if the OP's OH lied about Skype, protecting her was not a motivator.

I don't know which is more depressing, women buying this bullshit or the men spouting it.

Becauseicannes · 14/07/2015 13:09

If there were recordings she would have sent them already. She is trying to get you to go back and ask for them and that's how she'll know she's sown the seed of doubt. please do not give her the satisfaction. their messages were a long time ago. you need to tell your partner what is going on so you can address this as a couple and decide what to do or what not to do. Oh, and your DP sounds like a star - she obviously tried to engage him in flirtation as much as possible and he wasn't having any of it. She wants a cat fight, emails back and forth and drama. choose not to deliver.

missqwerty · 14/07/2015 13:13

Quite clearly his ex sending these. If it was me I'd ignore it and not even tell your partner about it. That will piss her off more as she gets zero drama. Your partner did the right thing to ignore her talking about it.

WayneRooneysHair · 14/07/2015 13:16

I honestly think that the ex knows what she is doing, she sounds very vindictive. I don't get why she attached screenshots of your DP ignorng her flirting as that doesn't work in her favour. Chances are there are no videos and the ex is trying to shit stir.

Ignore her or confront her together.

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 13:18

Yes, Isetan - I did indeed offer that up as an option. But I didn't say he initially lied to protect OP, I said he lied so as not to upset her. His motivation to do that is his... OP should know that better than us... which is why she is fretting over this.

That option is no better or worse than the 'he must be a bastard' style responses. I know I find that the most depressing - women encouraging other women to see every man as a gobshite!

That is as poor behaviour as that undertaken by the ex in this thread!

Isetan · 14/07/2015 13:28

This man has already been caught out once and there's a possibility that he's done more, I don't need to label this man a gobshite, his behaviour did that.

And yeah apologists for selfish twats, are as depressing as the twats themselves.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 13:28

If he has lied, it was to protect himself fundamentally. I'm afraid I still think she has something on Skype, she's keeping that for the final boot in the gut.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 13:34

I really appreciate all views. I just keep tying myself up in knots over it all.

His reasons were laughable, he caused a lot of extra issues as he'd told her he wasn't seeing anyone, as she'd threatened to cut all of his contact with his children if he was. He took it too far by sending stupid messages and responding to hers.

I've dealt with that, and rightly or wrongly, I'm still with him. This video stuff has just been a perfectly placed punch. If I find that he has been lying then the wedding is off, I need to move, and I've spent years looking like a fool.

OP posts:

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 13:35

We get married in less than a month. How the fuck did it come to this?

OP posts:

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 13:38

Oh dear. So even having had it pointed out that you are lambasting me for things I have not posted, you persist. OK! Fine by me.

OP, I hope you and OH manage to discuss this and get it all sorted. I hope it does transpire that your OH was a prat initially and has not re-offended and that you can find your own way to deal with it. I suspect that that will be the top and tail of it: you personally will find the reality of him having lied to you at the beginning of your relationship either will or will not be the reason for ending your relationship.

I am off now, I don't want the backlash for the too measured/reasonable content of my posting to further derail your post.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 13:41

Fact is he was cheating on you at the beginning of your relationship together, explicit messages and pics and probably yes Skype calls. You forgave this and moved on, your choice.

If he was pretending to be single he was conning her as well.

A cheat very rarely admits full details of what exactly went on, it has now come back to bit him on the proverbial.

HowD · 14/07/2015 13:44

Is he getting cold feet and sending them so you end things?

The emails are saving you from a domed marriage, take them as the gift they are.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 14:02

I don't think they are from Him, he's the one that wants the marriage more than anything. Jan you're right. He lied to both of us, and I ha moved on, or so I thought. I think I need to talk to him, and find out whether I'm calling off the wedding.

OP posts:

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