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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous emails bringing up past issues. Please help.

90 replies

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 09:28

Early in our relationship Dp and his Ex exchanged explicit messages and pictures. He had the perfect excuse of wanting to keep her happy so that he could see the children, that he knew he'd gone too far, he'd stopped and didn't expect me to find out. She helpfully let me know through screenshots of emails. It was a long time ago, I thought I had managed to put it out of my mind. Some things didn't add up, she mentioned Skype calls, he said he hadn't done anything on them, but sometimes it was easier to talk to his child on video than over the phone, but he swore blind he had no interest in his ex.

I've had an anonymous email. He doesn't know about the email as I need to sort my head out and work out what to do. There are screenshots of messages between the two of them within the last week, where His Ex has been bringing up that during the period of messages, they used to Skype and that they would both 'get off' on asking each other to do things. He has ignored any mention of this in replies and only responded to bits concerning his children. The email I've received says that there are recordings of the Skypes between them.

It was years ago, but I still feel devastated, and stupid that I didn't leave then and there. The timing of the email is perfect, we are about to get married. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Isetan · 14/07/2015 14:14

I can totally understand why this has floored you but if her vindictiveness is the catalyst for finally finding out the truth, in the long term, you'd never be the loser in this.

Call her bluff.

pocketsaviour · 14/07/2015 14:16

I find it extremely unlikely that if she had recorded these alleged Skype calls, that she wouldn't have already dropped the bomb with them.

She has form for harassing you, to the point where the police had to be involved. Presumably since this time early in your relationship where you found out about the contact, you have not had any doubts about his honesty?

What I'm saying is, she has form for twisting the truth (having an affair, saying you were an OW) whereas he presumably doesn't. I know who I'd back as telling the truth.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 14:20

But that makes no sense pocket, why did she send screen shots of messages between the two of them where she refers to their time on Skype then and if it was not true why did he say fuck all?

He also has form for being a liar and a cheat, who's worse?

Don't get me wrong, I don't know if this would mean I would not marry this man, this has been dredged up from a long time ago but the problem is when you tell a lie, it can come back and haunt you.

wafflyversatile · 14/07/2015 14:23

If this is what she is like then it is more than probably that she held access to the children over him to manipulate him into behaving how he did at that time. I can understand how he might be desperate enough to skype her to maintain contact with his kids and how he might lie thinking he'd lose you if he didn't. He's behaved as the victim of an abusive ex/partner. That said I doubt there are recordings or they'd be out by now.

In the present they have exchanged messages about the kids, she's put in stuff about the explicit messages and pictures, perhaps hoping he'd respond in an incriminating way. he hasn't. He has quite deliberately not acknowledged them. the right thing to do. She's brought up recordings knowing he won't acknowledge them but so they are in the message record that she has sent to you. 'look he doesn't deny it!'

Even if they did happen I'm not sure how much worse it is and you have however many years of solid relationship behind you and a marriage in front of you. I don't think you've been a fool.

Joysmum · 14/07/2015 14:23

I'd rather give her the satisfaction and call her bluff than to get married with doubt hanging over. He has shown he can't be trusted in the past so push comes to shove I couldn't dismiss her without at least asking her to prove it.

bestguess23 · 14/07/2015 14:24

Presumably you can tell from the Skype chat screen grabs which side they were taken from? It seems unlikely he is doing this but the chat should show whether he grabbed them or she did. It seems like the trust issue is still there. Call her out.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 14:25

Can't believe folk are actually excusing him cheating on two women.

WayneRooneysHair · 14/07/2015 14:40

How has the DP cheated on two women?

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 14:43

He was cheating on the OP with his ex, he told the ex at the time he was single, that's cheating on two women, no?

Oh sorry, he sent pics of his penis so the ex would let him see the kids, silly me.

Hissy · 14/07/2015 14:44

Under section 1 of the Malicious Communications Act 1998 it is an offence to send an indecent, offensive or threatening letter, electronic communication or other article to another person and sections 85 Postal Services Act 2000 or s127 Communications Act 2003 there are similar specific offences relating to sending postal or telephone messages which are indecent offensive or threatening. Both offences are punishable with up to six months imprisonment and/or a fine. Because the Malicious Communications Offence is more wide ranging than the Telecommunications offence it is more likely to be charged by the Police than the Postal Services or Communications Act offences.

Just call 101, let them track down the culprit and let the chips fall as they may

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 14:59

Too many assumptions being made... and that really isn't helping OP, who I hope is managing to keep a clear head, whilst she decides what she will do, when and how.

mix56 · 14/07/2015 15:09

You need to confront him. see whether you believe him, & decide to accept & move on, or choose to let his history shape the course of your life. & tell him you are reporting her to the police, this may have a bad knock on reaction from EX as she apparently is capable of withholding child access, however this can be sorted out by court order. he will have to deal with her, & prove that he loves you. if this marriage is meant to be, he will behave like a loving partner & not get nasty about this.

WayneRooneysHair · 14/07/2015 15:10

He wasn't with the ex when he got with the OP.

He told the ex he was single to stop her from denying access to his children.

FredaMayor · 14/07/2015 15:24

Op, do you have any new information, or it just the rehashing of what you have already seen/known that is causing this wobble? Is there something else troubling you that is making you have second thoughts about being married to DP?

pocketsaviour · 14/07/2015 15:36

Jan I understand what you're saying but
why did she send screen shots of messages between the two of them where she refers to their time on Skype then and if it was not true why did he say fuck all?

Because when someone has an abusive ex who hurls lies and accusations at them on a regular basis, the best response is no response. I'm assuming that's the tactic he took here.

He may not be Mr Clean here but the ex is clearly unhinged. She's had police involvement/caution for attacking OP in the street!

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 15:39

It would also be a tactic you would use if it were true.

They exchanged explicit messages and pics, why not Skype then, they were both using it apparently. I don't actually see what difference it makes to be, he cheated in my book, both on the OP and the ex, telling her he was single, I don't buy the I had to do it to see my kids shit I'm afraid.

OP, I am not trying to stir the shit here, this happened a long time ago, you decided to forgive and move on from it, if it turns out their are things on Skype between them, I really don't see what difference it makes, apart from proving he was lying to you at the time, you already know he was lying at the time but doing what he did.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 15:41

Excuse my spelling mistakes!

DorisDazzler · 14/07/2015 16:26

Cheaters never come completely clean , it's not unusual for things like this to come up a few years later. The emails don't really tell you anything new. You knew he was having inappropriate contact with her. Whether that contact occurred over Facebook , email or Skype doesn't really matter.

I'm sorry to say I would be more concerned that it may have gone physical.

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 19:08

I know that things didn't get physical. That I can be certain of. The explicit messages are difficult to fully explain without going into too much detail, the Ex was very controlling, one rule for her, another for him. I know from other people's accounts that it was an abusive relationship. When he left, she started sending innapropriate pictures and messages to him while asking why he'd left, what he was missing out on and how many other men she'd been with since he'd gone. When he didn't respond she'd threaten to stop all contact with the children. He started to respond in the way she wanted, as she would follow through on her threats. She's not the smartest and some of the shots of messages included Her blackmail. So I know this to be true.

OP posts:

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 19:12

I've spoken to dp, he is adamant he did not do anything of the sort over video and that she is bluffing. He has been doing as advised by the police back when they were involved by only responding to messages relevant to the children. I want to believe him. When I found out about the messages he went to pieces and told me everything, more detail than I needed and more than the Ex had told me. Do I just leave it now? And pretend that I never got an email?

OP posts:

Tequilashotfor1 · 14/07/2015 19:18

Forget about the email.

If she had proof you would no about it, I don't think they have been messaging again because she'd have shown you those too.

She is just trying to wreck your wedding. Put it to bed. You dealt with what happened and moved on. She is one messed up women intent on making you as unhappy as she is .

pocketsaviour · 14/07/2015 19:30

If you're happy in your mind, that's all that matters - but I would log this incident with the police, given her previous behaviour.

Joysmum · 14/07/2015 19:38

Have you asked her to put up or shut up yet?

If she doesn't put up, show a united front and tell her to shut up.

sensiblesometimes · 14/07/2015 19:51

I agree with joys mum. .

Original poster

WTFisThis · 14/07/2015 19:52

I haven't responded to the email at all. Dp reckons I should ask for proof, as there is no chance she'll have anything, I think if I reply then I'm entering into more conversation and head space.

OP posts:

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