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Original poster

Boyfriend has porn images in photo album on his phone

87 replies

Thislife1 · 12/07/2015 20:58

I was using my boyfriend's phone yesterday and noticed that in between the photos he's taken of me and his 9yo son there are lots of porn images of women. I know that he looks at porn when I'm not there, and I'm ok with that, but I felt shocked seeing these images in his photos. They're not particularly graphic, mostly naked muscular women, but I can't understand why he has them in his photos. He's not secretive with his phone and both his son and I use it sometimes, which makes it seem worse! He also has quite a few 'friends' on Facebook who are female body builders/muscly. I'm not worried that he's chatting to them, but it does make me feel a bit weird that he needs to look at them. He's an incredible partner and Dad and I feel completely loved, respected and desired by him in every other way so I don't want to make a big issue out of it. But it just feels wrong. Should I say something?

OP posts:
neighbourhoodwitch · 12/07/2015 21:28

Don't say anything.

Kiwiinkits · 13/07/2015 03:42

I would just say something like, I noticed you've got some fairly explicit photos in your phone there, bf. How do you feel about your son seeing those?

If he doesn't actually care that his son sees porn then I would get rid. As he'd instantly qualify as a Crap Father.

Desired reaction? Oh my goodness, I didn't even think about DS. I'll remove them right away.

Offred · 13/07/2015 04:07

Not quite sure what your problem actually is? I don't mean that in a goady way, I'm just not sure, and I think if you are feeling uncomfortable that's a feeling maybe you need to analyse a bit before you speak to him (if you do).

You are ok with him using porn, you are ok with him using porn which is images of women like some of his FB friends, you are ok about him talking to these women... What about him having the porn on his phone is making you uncomfortable?

Offred · 13/07/2015 04:12

I mean presumably he has the pics on his phone for convenience, so he can wank over them. I assume he is titilating himself/wanking over the FB friends too. If you're ok about the porn and the rest of it what is the part of it being on his phone rather than his pc that makes you uncomfortable?

Does it just feel like it is giving the porn some extra status?

Should point out that it is ok to not be comfortable with porn at all never mind having friends on FB that he uses for porn...

HeiressesGiltnor · 13/07/2015 04:38

Does he share this interest with friends? Don't forget that with services like whatsapp photos sent to a group or individual are by default automatically saved into the photostream. Is it possible he was sent them? My photostream would be full of odd pictures if I hadn't turned this option off!! Not porn, admittedly...

You know this is an 'interest' of his... Like pp posters have said you are either ok with it or you aren't. For me it would depend on quantity and honesty. I wouldn't want him to be 'hiding' it from me.

JeanSeberg · 13/07/2015 05:34

Your definition of an "incredible Dad" is clearly different to most people's.

Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 07:10

Thanks all. @Offred I meant to say, I don't have any suspicions that he talks to these women on Facebook. If he was talking to them it would be over! You're right I guess he does use them for titillation or to wank over. Yes it seems to give it a higher status that they're in his photo stream- to me it looks like they're in the family photo album. I suppose it also seems so public on FB. Everyone, including me, can see that he's friends with these women. It was a mutual friend that pointed out to me in the first place. He only seems to add these friends and take these screenshots/save the pics when me and his DS are away, which worries me. I need to figure out exactly what bothers me and then speak to him about it.
@HeiressesGiltnor he's not on whatsapp- he's definitely screen grabbed them himself! I think ultimately I don't feel that comfortable with his 'interest'. He's only mentioned that he likes muscle women once when I brought it up after a friend pointed out all these FB friends. He got pretty defensive and said he'd delete them, which I did think was an overreaction considering I hadn't asked him too. So we've never had a discussion about that being his thing. It's also very different to my body shape - I work out but I'm average shape. I just don't find these women particularly attractive. He's also a self avowed feminist so it seems strange that he has images whose sole purpose is to objectify women on his phone. I guess whether I raise the photos in his phone or not I need to have a chat with him about the wider issues!

OP posts:
onereminder · 13/07/2015 07:15

I'm like a few others on here in not understanding what the issue is?

Someone's phone should be their private place.

Throwing in that the photos are "between photos of me and our 9yo" is a bit of a weird smear, making it sound far worse than reality.

He looks at porn, like most blokes.

He's saved some photos, for convenience.

End of the matter, surely?

Fugghetaboutit · 13/07/2015 07:22

My P has some weird pics in his camera roll sometimes due to his Whatsapp group chats; if someone posts a pic to the group, it automatically saves in his camera roll. Could it be that? I found a pic of a penis in a shoe once GrinHmm

DisillusionedGoat · 13/07/2015 07:34

I think that although you are perfectly entitled not to feel comfortable about anything you want it does not mean that your partner needs to change or alter his behaviour. It is his phone, he is allowed to have whatever images in whatever order he wishes. Doesn't make him a bad dad or partner.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 13/07/2015 07:36

Yes possible someone has sent them to him on whatsapp and they have automatically saved to his photos?

Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 07:40

@Fugghetaboutit haha ????.

@onereminder I suppose I'm happy with the porn use being occasional and private but it feels strange that it's integrated into his family photos. And I don't actually want to see what he looks at in private. But you're right, they're not there for me to look at they're there for his convenience! I'm pretty strict about not snooping on his phone. Don't know why I looked at the photos tbh - but wasn't expecting to see this. Thanks for putting it in perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 07:45

@DisillusionedGoat thanks. This makes sense. He's definitely not a bad dad or partner. He's fantastic. Porn is such a tricky issue though!

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 13/07/2015 07:49

"he's also a self avowed feminist"

Not if he's taking screenshots of women to wank off to without their consent. I'd be more concerned about the sheer lack of respect for women his behaviour shows than him having the images on his phone.

MadeMan · 13/07/2015 08:36

"I found a pic of a penis in a shoe once"

This used to be a regular occurrence in Freeman Hardy willis.

onereminder · 13/07/2015 08:37

thislife1

I'm sure if there was a way to conveniently save them to somewhere other than the camera roll then he'd do that, but I don't think there is on iPhone so they end up mixed in with family snaps etc.

Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 09:37

@avocadotoast he was very publicly anti- page 3 and yet he gets titilated by these images on his phone and Facebook. Doesn't feel right. I feel conflicted and confused by his public versus private faces.

OP posts:
UncertainSmile · 13/07/2015 09:46

It sounds like you are not as ok with his porn usage as you say you are, it's obviously making you very unsettled.

Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 09:56

@UncertainSmile I think you're right! My position in this relationship has been that what he does in private is his business as long as it's not disrespectful to me and doesn't affect our relationship. We've both come out of relationships with controlling jealous snoopy people and we both want the opposite. I don't want to start policing him but I guess I need to address how I feel and let him know. This thread is helping me collect my thoughts. Thanks all!

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 13/07/2015 09:57

Using porn in itself doesn't have to be inherently anti-feminist (though that's open to debate as the vast majority of porn is misogynistic). However, I doubt that the women he's friends with on Facebook know that their images are being used in that way. How would you feel if someone was Facebook friends with you and used your pictures as wank fodder? I'd be disgusted.

You can't claim to be a feminist and do things like that. You also can't claim to be anti page 3 and do things like that. You said in your first post that your son sometimes uses his phone. If your son sees explicit images on his dad's phone, what's the difference between that and page 3?

Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 10:13

There is no difference between this and page 3 to me. When we once had a very brief chat about it before and I said he was objectifying women he tried to defend it by saying that they were all strong women. They may be physically strong but they're still prancing around in bikinis showing off their bodies!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2015 12:46

he's a hypocrite then, isn't he ?

I don't like hypocrites...do you ?

page 3 versus more "tasteful" wank fodder Hmm

it's like them posh women that insist "burlesque isn't the same as them skanky strippers dahhhling"

butterflygirl15 · 13/07/2015 13:28

Double standards to suit himself. If you aren't happy with it then that is ok you know. You don't need to approve with what he is doing.

Original poster
Thislife1 · 13/07/2015 13:34

@AnyFucker definite hypocrisy there!

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 13/07/2015 15:38

So are there's photos definitely pictures of women he has on Facebook?

That would bother me.

If they're photos of women modelling then no it wouldn't.

About the page 3 argument - do you know why he is against it? I think you can still look at porn but be against page 3.

I have no problem with porn/nude modelling but hate page 3 purely because it's a newspaper And I don't think boobs is news - kids don't need to see that.