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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wishing I could leave partner but the fallout would be hell.

51 replies

CurlySue33 · 12/07/2015 15:01

My partner works long hours and I work 28 hours a week. He absolutely refuses to lift a finger in the house. I am responsible for most childcare, all cleaning, cooking, shopping, general day to day stuff ie kids homework school stuff, medical, dental etc.
In the last month he has washed up twice. I asked him to be responsible for putting the rubbish out and he refuses to do it 'just because I've decided that's what he should do'. He's cooked two meals this month. That's the sole contribution he's made to the running of the household this month, including days when he's been off work (one day a week).
It drives me crazy that he does nothing else in our home. The thing that makes me want to leave him though are the passive aggressive digs he makes about how untidy the house is. He often calls it a 'shit hole', he'll ask why I haven't been shopping when he can't find the food he likes (I only have time to shop once a week and so we run low by the end of the week). I've suggested he keeps some of the food budget for himself so he can get what he wants on the way home from work but that's not good enough for him. Apparently, I never think of his needs. He shouldn't have to go out shopping. He doesn't take my work seriously (and never has done, even pre kids when I had a high powered job) as I work from home so he expects me to still run the home when I'm meant to be working.
If I so much as mention I've had a coffee with a friend on the day I do cleaning he'll use that against me to say that I could find time to do the things he needs me to do.
We have 2 young children Reception age so they still need alot of looking after. When we row, he involves them in the row even when they beg us not to argue. I try my best not to rise to the bait in front of them but he pushes and pushes and says passive aggressive things to them to start a fight. Ie 'Mummy says I can't take you to the zoo today, you've got to stay home and do boring homework' when I've said, they must finish their reading before he takes them out otherwise they'll be too tired after a day out.
Sorry if this is long and rambling. There's so much more. I can't leave him because I can't bear to be apart from my kids and they will hate to be apart from me as I care for them 95% of the time. The only time he really has them is on days out where he'll eat out with them and not brush their hair/teeth at all (unless I remind him several times) or feed them until he's sorted himself out with food, bath, work etc.

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 12/07/2015 15:06

But many of us have left and had to face the exact same fallout?

How is all this healthy for your children?

mrstweefromtweesville · 12/07/2015 15:09

What is he contributing to your household?
I'm not usually vulgar, so I'll say LTB. But what I mean is 'Get rid of the prick'. Blush

Original poster
CurlySue33 · 12/07/2015 15:12

I think he thinks because he pays most of the household bills that gives him the right not to contribute to anything else except the fun days out with the kids where he thinks he's doing me a favour by leaving me behind to clean.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 15:12

Come on, OP, be brave! This is not a man who's going to have the children for three nights a week, is he? I reckon a couple of hours on a Sunday "to do you a favour" is all he'll do.

Don't let your children live in an unhappy house. Don't let them live with a twat like that. Tell him you're going and if he says "I'm going to fight you for custody" which he probably will, just say, "OK, see a solicitor about it." There's no way he'll want to have them; he will just want to hurt you.

Now get all your finances sorted, work out what you can get from him (look up CSA) and look up other benefits you might get. Love that you had a high powered job; hopefully you will be doing something similar when the children are a bit bigger.

Plan ahead, don't tell him anything about it until you've got it all sorted.

Best of luck.

Original poster
CurlySue33 · 12/07/2015 15:14

I protect the kids from his digs alot of the time but now that the summer hols are looming he'll be around alot and I'm dreading it. Having to keep my mouth shut to stop a massive argument in front of the kids when I know he'll do his best to get a rise out of me and then accuse me of being moody. I cope mostly because he's not there.

OP posts:
RedandYellow24 · 12/07/2015 15:16

Why would you splitting up mean you are away from your kids? Do you mean the one day a week he's not working he would expect to have them all day? From the sounds of it he would struggle to do that.

Even if he did that's few hours once a week you can work catch up with friends or other jobs hardly a reason to stay when he's mean and nasty.

When was last time he said he loved you or did anything nice for you?

Original poster
CurlySue33 · 12/07/2015 15:18

I'm really struggling with this because my parents fought alot and the fall out from their divorce was that I lost one of my parents forever.
He has so much more money than me. He would do everything in his power to use the kids to hurt me. I'm trapped because where I live, I can't get a decent job because there is no childcare available.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 12/07/2015 15:19

Your young children beg you not to argueShock this is not a healthy environment for them, you have to separate

Zillie77 · 12/07/2015 15:20

It sounds like you are both really stretched to the limit. How many hours a week does he work? Aside from time for sleeping, how many waking hours does he have at home during which he could be participating in home duties?

My husband and I work it out like this: that each half of the couple works the same number of hours, either at home or out of the home, including commute time. So if one person is out of the home to work 60 hours per week then the other person must put in 60 hours of effort at home. Usually that would cover just about 100% of the home cleaning, meals, laundry, garden, administrative, and childcare stuff. If one person works part-time, that is factored in.

Of course, time spent with kids at night and on the weekends we don't count as "work", that is nice family time, though.

butterflygirl15 · 12/07/2015 15:33

sounds to me if you did split up he wouldn't bother to see them anyway.

Why you would think this relationship is a good model for them is beyond me. Or do you want them to have the same issues when they are older. Because what you show them now is what they will copy and choose for themselves. If not for you then you must leave for them.

Zillie - do you really think this man is going to be reasonable all of a sudden and do a spot of parenting now? Because the way he treats op and the DC is just awful.

Handywoman · 12/07/2015 15:33

Yes. The fallout will be horrendous. But staying will be worse.

Your children are already dragged on to the emotional abuse he is meting out on you.

Please do the right thing for your dc and LTB.

One note of reassurance, men who are rubbish dads tend to get worse after separation. I know from experience. So he won't, in all seriousness, be having them very much, particularly if he works long hours.

Go for it, OP. See a solicitor on Monday.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 16:03

Don't be scared of him. He will try to bully you but you have to be strong.

What's your housing situation like? Do you rent? If not, whose names are on the deeds?

You and your children can have a lovely life without him, you know. Do you really think that a man who won't feed a child first and who won't brush their hair will really go for custody? And do you really think a judge couldn't see through him?

Icimoi · 12/07/2015 16:31

If you can't get a decent job near your current address, there's all the more reason to move further away and take your children with you. Please, OP, contact Women's Aid tomorrow so that you can talk through all your options

yearofthegoat · 12/07/2015 16:45

Look into the future and think where you want to be in 5 years time. Do you want to still be with your partner? Will anything have changed if you are? He really sounds a nasty man. I can't imagine he will want sole care of children over a weekend let alone 50/50 if he won't even brush their hair.

I note you aren't married. I hope you aren't taking a hit to your career without the security of marriage behind you.

springydaffs · 12/07/2015 16:54

You're not married? Do you own a house together?

AnyFucker · 12/07/2015 17:01

why would it be any worse for you than for the millions of women who have left shit relationships already and all the future ones that will come after ?

genuine question

if you still think staying with him the way things are now has more benefits than leaving then fair enough, that is your choice, but don't say anything is impossible because it is not

anyone, any time, has the right to end what is not working

your kids are learning damaging lessons here...that men can be utterly shit but women have to put up with it

Original poster
CurlySue33 · 12/07/2015 17:05

He won't marry me but I have no regrets, I'd rather have kids unmarried than no kids at all. He won't buy a house either. I own a property than we no longer live in but I made sure to protect that asset long ago because of my experience with my parents hellish divorce. He has no claim on it whatsoever and if I needed to it's there. I'd rather not move back as it's only one bed. But rents round here are £1000+ for a two bed so v expensive, more than my wages. My family are near (can help a bit but not regularly) so not a good idea for moving away.
My head feels clearer now, than you for all your words. My plan is to plan. I'm trapped right now but in a few years when the kids can get themselves to and from school that's when I can think again. It's v intense at this time of year because he's on school hols. The rest of the year I can cope.

OP posts:
Nolim · 12/07/2015 17:07

Staying is not healthy op. Would you like your dc to learn that this is a normal relationship?

Grapeeatingweirdo · 12/07/2015 17:12

Seriously, this will do more damage to the kids in the long term than staying with him. Worry about jobs and childcare later, there are benefits available to cover any shortfall, it's what the benefit system is for!

Seriously, you owe it to yourself and the DC to have a tension free household. He brings nothing to the party, he isn't the primary carer and he won't have a leg to stand on.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/07/2015 17:12

Is your property rented out? What is the mortgage/rent income?
Rents near you are £1000 a month - for 3 beds? You can rent a 2 bed and the kids can share. If you are on a low income you can claim local housing allowance and tax credits to top up plus he should pay you maintenance.
It's completely possible.

Littlefish · 12/07/2015 17:13

"I'm trapped right now but in a few years when the kids can get themselves to and from school that's when I can think again"

You said that your children are Reception age. Your comment above means that you are prepared to put up with the status quo, and put your children through the situation for another 5 years at least, but probably more like 6 or 7.

Why don't you speak to the CAB and find out how much you would be entitled to in terms of benefits and Child Support payments.

Your children are being horribly affected by this. Even though you think you are shielding them from it, you really aren't.

What you are doing is teaching them that the way your dp behaves is the right way to treat people. You are teaching them that this is the way that relationships should be. Do you really want your children to have a similar relationship in the future?

Grapeeatingweirdo · 12/07/2015 17:13

A few years? The damage will be irreparable by then. What are you waiting for?! You sound like a lovely mum and a nice person. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better Smile

Original poster
CurlySue33 · 12/07/2015 17:14

They don't see it all. It's only at certain times of the year. The rest of the time it's me and them. They only see him for about 10 mins Mon-Fri. Having me there is their normal. To suddenly be apart from me would be a whole lot worse for them. I couldn't live with myself if they were staying a weekend with him knowing he wouldn't put their needs first and would work and expect them to entertain themselves for 10 hours because he's there in the room but not mentally there because he's absorbed in his work. If we split up, that would be out of my control.

OP posts:
andthenagain · 12/07/2015 17:16

A few years of planning is a few years too long. Think of the damage being done to your Dc's in that time.
Do yourself and them a favour and leave-- you are not trapped if you don't want to be. there are always options.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 12/07/2015 17:16

And it's not about you anymore (I'm not being mean when I say that) and your worries re rent and childcare. It's about them. They deserve better.

Kids don't remember how much money mum had, they remember how loved and safe they felt. Believe me, from the perspective of someone whose parents should have divorced and didn't "for the children"