Wishing I could leave partner but the fallout would be hell.

[CurlySue33]

My partner works long hours and I work 28 hours a week. He absolutely refuses to lift a finger in the house. I am responsible for most childcare, all cleaning, cooking, shopping, general day to day stuff ie kids homework school stuff, medical, dental etc.
In the last month he has washed up twice. I asked him to be responsible for putting the rubbish out and he refuses to do it 'just because I've decided that's what he should do'. He's cooked two meals this month. That's the sole contribution he's made to the running of the household this month, including days when he's been off work (one day a week).
It drives me crazy that he does nothing else in our home. The thing that makes me want to leave him though are the passive aggressive digs he makes about how untidy the house is. He often calls it a 'shit hole', he'll ask why I haven't been shopping when he can't find the food he likes (I only have time to shop once a week and so we run low by the end of the week). I've suggested he keeps some of the food budget for himself so he can get what he wants on the way home from work but that's not good enough for him. Apparently, I never think of his needs. He shouldn't have to go out shopping. He doesn't take my work seriously (and never has done, even pre kids when I had a high powered job) as I work from home so he expects me to still run the home when I'm meant to be working.
If I so much as mention I've had a coffee with a friend on the day I do cleaning he'll use that against me to say that I could find time to do the things he needs me to do.
We have 2 young children Reception age so they still need alot of looking after. When we row, he involves them in the row even when they beg us not to argue. I try my best not to rise to the bait in front of them but he pushes and pushes and says passive aggressive things to them to start a fight. Ie 'Mummy says I can't take you to the zoo today, you've got to stay home and do boring homework' when I've said, they must finish their reading before he takes them out otherwise they'll be too tired after a day out.
Sorry if this is long and rambling. There's so much more. I can't leave him because I can't bear to be apart from my kids and they will hate to be apart from me as I care for them 95% of the time. The only time he really has them is on days out where he'll eat out with them and not brush their hair/teeth at all (unless I remind him several times) or feed them until he's sorted himself out with food, bath, work etc.

Rent is at least, usually more than £1000 for a 2 bed. I've looked into benefits, wouldn't get housing benefit cause I have a house. The one bed house is nowhere near their school so only very last desperate measure. If I move there, I also lose the job I have. If he pays maintenance (a big if) and doesn't mess me about with it I think Id get about £400 month. No childcare where I currently live so no child tax credits I assume? Hence the job I have allows me to work when they're with me.

Here's a plan.

Move back to your 1 bedroom flat ASAP. DC can share the bedroom. Buy a sofa bed for the lounge. Not ideal but must be preferable to living with someone who is happy to push you into arguments in front of your young dc. Be pleased that there will be no divorce to go through.

You look after the dc by yourself anyway. If he wants overnight access, let him take you to court. Or agree to mediation.

They may not see it, but like I said, there is no way that you are showing them a loving, supportive and fulfilling relationship between you and your dp. That is what they will be learning. That it's ok for you to do all the drudge work. That you are not valued as a person. That he is more important than you. That his money means he can tell you what to do. That it's ok to be disrespectful to you.

Grape is right. This is not about you and your needs.

Sorry but you are deluding yourself about the impact on your dc. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

They are right there in the thick of this dynamic. They are learning from what it feels like to be in it. They are absorbing it like sponges.

They will adapt much better at this age than further down the line. Please lean on friends/family and look into getting out.

But you said earlier that they beg you not to argue - how can you say they don't see it or are not affected?

OP you're massively kidding yourself that the kids don't know. First DP drags them into arguments, and secondly they feel the tension, pick up on every sigh, gesture, word between the two of you.

This is really, really bad for them.

Given that you're the primary caregiver and DP is a lazy arse, it's quite likely that he will get every other weekend.

As you're not married you won't likely get maintenance, but he will have to pay for the children, and he may have to contribute to a suitable property for them.

So you have some income from the flat, you have your earnings, he would have to pay the CMS maintenance rate, and you would probably get some earnings based CTC even though you don't use childcare.

Why don't you rent a 1 bed local to their school - in the future you look at renting a 2 bed or seeing what mortgage options there are if you sell the property you own etc.?

either move back into your house or sell it and buy something bigger. You would get tax credits and child maintenance. You won't get spousal maintenance, but that is pretty rare tbh anyway.

You are just looking for excuses to stay as you are too scared to leave. And all this time he and you are damaging the DC making them live in this terrible situation. Because the DC will know, they will see and hear everything. They aren't stupid.

God, op, you could just walk out the door. There is nothing legal or financial to tie you to him. Endless women would love to be in your position.

Yes it's tough but your children are being damaged - don't kid yourself. It may be uncomfortable but it's doable, you have a lot of options.

Get in touch with women's aid 0808 2000 247 (phone at night if possible, or email them with times they can call you).
Do the Freedom Programme. Look at their site and click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Go.

You simply CAN'T subject your kids to a full summer of this. Make a plan and get out. Build a case re his crap parenting - don't hold back. Do anything and everything to build this case.

I appreciate you may feel beaten down after years with this brute but you have a lot of options here. Your kids are reception age, therefore not set in concrete school-wise. You have your own house, you could move to where you have a better chance of good employment.

Get on this op. Step at a time (but don't hang about) xx

Leaving now will be much less damaging to the kids then waiting. Lots of us have been there. I worked 4 days a week with a 2&3 year old. It's doable. You own your own house. Move out. Give your tenants notice if that seems like a good option. Get all your ducks lined up. You are leaving. Please don't wait you are just building up more damage.

How far from your parents' home is your flat that you rent out?

I assume the income from the flat pays the mortgage? Would you be able to sell that flat and buy a two-bedroomed flat? Would your parents be able to help you do that? Could your parents help with childcare?

Your only trap is thinking that you can stay in control by staying. Your mental health is already suffering, do you really think prolonged exposure to this situation will improve it? This is no life for the most important person in your children's lives, taking care of you, is taking care of them.

In a few years you might be able to upgrade but for now you are very fortunate in owning your own property. You can not prevent your OH from being an arse that his responsibility but you can and should make your children's home a sanctuary and that's going to be difficult with a selfish arse living in it.

I'm sorry that your parents divorce caused you so much distress but you can't let that memory paralyse you.

Just read one of those annoying meme things but it made me think of you, OP. "Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to put up with their bullshit. Love yourself enough to leave anyone who mistreats you."

And a Bob Marley-ism I'm fond of - "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds".

Find a way to leave him, take your children, and go.

But why isn't anyone addressing OP's worry that the DC will have to spend weekends with him when they will be neglected and suffer because he is horrible and they are away from the only carer they really know? And she will suffer horribly then too? And unless he has done something outrageously criminal the courts will surely award him that.

Everyone always says you've got to LTB because staying is damaging the DC, but sure that would damage them?

OP I don't know what the answer is but I just want you to know I see where you're coming from and I often think the same on these threads.

My only thought is that I think emotional abuse has become something you can bring up legally now. If you can somehow prove this it may put you in a stronger position. I'd start by getting a good lawyer who can advise you on your worries and whether you'd be able to minimise contact on grounds of emotional abuse. Also keep a diary of every incident and how he treats the DC – neglecting to feed, them, brush hair etc is important. Obviously do all this completely covertly and cover your tracks.

If it takes time, it takes time and I don't think you should listen to comments like "the damage will be irreversible" - that's not helping you. (FWIW I grew up in far worse conditions, yes it has had an effect but overall my life is relatively happy and successful.) They have you, a parent who really loves them and understands their needs, and that's worth a lot. I think it will help you to get your research and planning under way and know that you are going to do this in the best way possible for you and the DC.

He encourages 2 young children in reception age to get involved in the row even when they beg us not to argue - I implore you to ring Women's Aid tomorrow because you really really need help to get away from this man.

Please do it for yourself and your children. You can do it and your life will be better. I am devastated for you. Please ring Women's Aid tomorrow to get the ball rolling.

I think I must have misunderstood the home situation. It sounded to me like her partner was only home essentially one day each week, given that he worked very long hours the other six days a week. Anyway, I apologize for posting something irrelevant, I was just talking about how we have handled things in my house when the amount of paid work hours have varied greatly between the two of us. That really is not the main issue with the OP. Best of luck with everything.

This sounds very familiar except for the working part. My STBXH did nothing in the house. He would mow the lawn & if he remembered he would take the rubbish out but nothing else. On top of that he did not do much work while I work full time. Like you I work from home so he expected me to do everything and we often rowed about the 'state of the house' or the 'shit hole'. When I asked why he hadn't put his plate in the dishwasher he would say 'what's the point the place is a shit hole anyway'.

I thought I'd wait until the kids had left school but then I just couldn't cope with the thought of another 10 years of hell. It took me a year to get my head around splitting before I told him at the beginning of the year.

It has been a difficult few months BUT the DC & I are so much happier without him being like a big useless bear with sore head lying on the sofa watching his shit TV all the time while we tiptoe around him..

Bite the bullet & make the best decision for yourself & DC.

I addressed it, Sylvanian. I said build a case against him and his crap parenting.

Sylvanian is right, op: there is now a law against emotional abuse. Start collecting info - dates, times, detail incidents. Speak to your GP (GPs are POWERFUL in a situation like this). Get the HV online. Pull out all the stops to build a case that prevents him having them alone/overnight. From what you've said here, you won't have to over-egg it (when you're out of the relationship you will see clearly how bad it is, that it is emotional abuse (at least)).

When you go to the Freedom Programme you will learn about The King of the Castle..

FFS woman, pick up your self-respect and your kids and get the hell out.

Or in MN parlance, LTB

What are you actually getting out of this relationship right now. He sounds awful.

You have a property?! Well, there you go. A ready-made bolt hole!

You and your kids will thank you for taking this step, brave, yes, but see it as better for all of your MH.....

Sorry springy. I was responding to the string of posts before mine and shouldn't have said "anyone". Agree with your advice about the GP and HV, and also Women's Aid as mentioned below.

Yeah it will be hard but you are lucky than most, you have a place you can stay in, I'd rather stay in a one bed with my two kids than stay with an abusive arsehole who is having a negative effect on my children, bugger that, I can think you are just making excuses to not actually do it, he wont change, so you either stay and carry on being a maid or you make a better and happier life for yourself and your kids.

please dont put them through five or six more years of this. that will cause serious damage...better they have a happy home with you and build skills t deal with him once per week or whatever it is. who knows without a maid he may step up to to the plate...

I'm another who has left. Or rather, kicked him out. I was so so worried about it being the right/wrong thing that I dithered for far too long, similar worries to you.

I am erm, 22 months post split.-had to count then, as it's become so normal and lovely just being me and the dc. He is just somebody I used to know, after 13 years together!

My worries about the dc evaporated almost from day one. It is all good.

As for the DC being away from you, in my case, my ex can barely look after himself and is not interested in the children to the extent that he hasn't seen them now for ten months. I deal with it all, organise myself and all the child care. It is fine. Knackering, but fine. They are at school now, and yours will be too soon (if reception isn't already full time).

You just cannot predict or control how someone will react, so there is no point in worrying about it. Do what is right for those children and for you, you will be amazed at your strength and fortitude.

You can only control your own actions and reactions, so do that. Make plans for a life without him; probably over half the things you are worrying about now will never come to pass, and the other things will just happen naturally and you will wonder why you ever gave them headspace.

The fallout for your children is already hell.