Wishing I could leave partner but the fallout would be hell.

[CurlySue33]

My partner works long hours and I work 28 hours a week. He absolutely refuses to lift a finger in the house. I am responsible for most childcare, all cleaning, cooking, shopping, general day to day stuff ie kids homework school stuff, medical, dental etc.
In the last month he has washed up twice. I asked him to be responsible for putting the rubbish out and he refuses to do it 'just because I've decided that's what he should do'. He's cooked two meals this month. That's the sole contribution he's made to the running of the household this month, including days when he's been off work (one day a week).
It drives me crazy that he does nothing else in our home. The thing that makes me want to leave him though are the passive aggressive digs he makes about how untidy the house is. He often calls it a 'shit hole', he'll ask why I haven't been shopping when he can't find the food he likes (I only have time to shop once a week and so we run low by the end of the week). I've suggested he keeps some of the food budget for himself so he can get what he wants on the way home from work but that's not good enough for him. Apparently, I never think of his needs. He shouldn't have to go out shopping. He doesn't take my work seriously (and never has done, even pre kids when I had a high powered job) as I work from home so he expects me to still run the home when I'm meant to be working.
If I so much as mention I've had a coffee with a friend on the day I do cleaning he'll use that against me to say that I could find time to do the things he needs me to do.
We have 2 young children Reception age so they still need alot of looking after. When we row, he involves them in the row even when they beg us not to argue. I try my best not to rise to the bait in front of them but he pushes and pushes and says passive aggressive things to them to start a fight. Ie 'Mummy says I can't take you to the zoo today, you've got to stay home and do boring homework' when I've said, they must finish their reading before he takes them out otherwise they'll be too tired after a day out.
Sorry if this is long and rambling. There's so much more. I can't leave him because I can't bear to be apart from my kids and they will hate to be apart from me as I care for them 95% of the time. The only time he really has them is on days out where he'll eat out with them and not brush their hair/teeth at all (unless I remind him several times) or feed them until he's sorted himself out with food, bath, work etc.

I understand why you don't want to leave. Your children are very small and you're quite right, they may well end up in circumstances that are not ideal when you're not there. However, you're aware of the damaging aspects of the current situation and only you can truly weigh things up. Don't make decisions from a mental position of powerlessness though. You do have options. You do have the ability to make some choices.

If you decide that you're prepared to put up with having to do all the cleaning in order to have your children with you 100% of the time at this stage of their lives, be clear with yourself that it's something you have chosen to do. This observation doesn't cut to the heart of the matter, but it may be the case that your workload would stay pretty much the same as a single parent, albeit without the bitter taste of feeling like someone else's drudge.

You also have the ability to challenge your husband calmly and assertively. If he says something to the children such as you've described here, say briskly, 'No, that is not what Mummy said, actually Daddy! Don't worry children, nobody's arguing. Daddy just didn't understand. Right...' and move on quickly. So many of these things are just cheap digs, nothing more unless you allow them to become something. But they have the power to destroy your happiness regardless, I know .