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Original poster

Financial abuse: What's going on here?

53 replies

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 17:00

Partner A and Partner B, plus 2 children. Money is tight. Partner A works full time and Partner B stays at home, 1 child is in school, the other is a baby.

Partner A receives wages and tax credits into their account as B has no bank account. On payday, A pays all the bills (all in A's name), buys food shopping, groceries, clothing and wverything needed for the children etc. B receives a weekly sum of money which is spent solely on B. A also spends money on them self but probably half or a little more than the amount that B spends.

Is A abusive as they hold the purse strings or is B abusive as they refuse to take any financial responsibility?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 02/07/2015 17:05

I don't see anything abusive. Has A stopped B from getting a bank account? Can B get one?

Why does A do all the shopping? Can't they trust B to do it?

Who from A or B is upset at the situation?

Gemauve · 02/07/2015 17:07

Or is it, perhaps, that neither of them is abusive as there is no abuse going on?

A sounds long-suffering. B sounds hard work.

But it presumably works for them.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/07/2015 17:24

That depends on a few things which are not clear from the bare bones of this scenario. For example, what are B's needs? Does the fact that A spends less on his/her self necessarily imply that B is doing better out of it? A is not missing out if they choose to spend less, but do they spend less because B will be very difficult if they don't get more than 50%? If B runs a car which they use to get child to school etc, does A call it a bill or does it come out of B's spending money? All sorts of possibilities here.

wafflyversatile · 02/07/2015 17:26

Another depends.

wheelycote · 02/07/2015 17:32

Why does b not have bank account? bankruptcy, severe debt, no i.d to be able to open account? learned helplessness?
How long have they been together and lived this way...does it just work for them.

Does A get fed up or does it provide A with reassurance that all responsibilities are met (maybe been badly let down financially in past relationship)

some of my thoughts after reading....without more info difficult to say....

Preciousbane · 02/07/2015 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 02/07/2015 17:39

If the amounts of spends are agree between them then it is not abusive.

If B insists on having more than A that is abusive.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 02/07/2015 17:41

Well neither, if that's what they've agreed and what works for them. I'm a SAHP and probably spend more on myself than DH (who earns the money) does, but that's fine for us. He just doesn't spend money whereas I sometimes spend on make up/clothes etc.

Original poster
CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 17:49

I'll try to answer all the questions.

B does not have a bank account as they have no I'D and also don't really mind not having one. They have always used cash.

A does all the shopping as B refuses to do it saying "well I don't have any money", even though A wants them to do it together.

A spends less because there is less left after everything else has been paid. They are always looking for ways to spend less as there is not a lot in the pot.

Neither of them run a car. A walks practically everywhere. B's money is solely spent on themself, absolutely nothing I'd bought from that money for the children or for A.

B is poor at budgeting which is how it started this way.

OP posts:
wheelycote · 02/07/2015 17:53

One more question...B's money...is it cash in hand paid work? where does b's money come from?

and are the children both a's and b's?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 02/07/2015 17:53

You're A then?

wheelycote · 02/07/2015 17:53

sorry that was several questions

ImperialBlether · 02/07/2015 17:53

Why is B left better off? I'd say B was abusive if anyone. He/she won't take any responsibility for finances and has more money to spend!

Original poster
CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 17:55

A gives the money to B weekly from the child tax credits. And the children are both A's and B's.

OP posts:
Siolence · 02/07/2015 17:59

Is A buying stuff out of the pot and not counting it? Stuff chucked in with the shopping perhaps?

And why hand B more than half of what is left? How do you know B spends it all on them self. No buying anything here or there as is needed?

Original poster
CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 18:00

Because it is solely spent on one thing.

OP posts:
wheelycote · 02/07/2015 18:04

A very realistic conversation needs to be had between A and B. Not sure about abusive but most certainly unfair. A bad pattern of behaviour has set in between the two.
A for giving B money despite the inequality of spending.
B not taking any responsibility. B may not do this unless A addresses the issue. B may resist any change, however they may like to also be more involved financially.

B needs to sort I.d out and bank account out (easily solvable..generally) for themselves if anything.....in my humblest of opinions

Lweji · 02/07/2015 18:06

Solely?

Or mostly?

How is B as a child carer and housekeeper?

Original poster
CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 18:10

Solely, or more specifically on the same things that are just for themself,,every week without fail.

As a child carer and housekeeper, they don't go out anywhere apart from school run. Little housework gets done but A considers this ok as B is looking after the children. A does most of the housework when they are not at work and the children are sleeping.

OP posts:
Pinkpeter · 02/07/2015 18:11

How can b spend no money on the children. Doesn't a take the baby out to groups? Go out for coffee? Go to the farm? Etc
What is a giving b money for, if it is not for the family? Presumably b cannot get ID therefore b cannot work also?
Can't see the situation changing. Are both happy with the situation? I bet you are a and the other person is b ?

Original poster
CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 18:13

A leaves money for the children and houdehold stuff while they are at work. B's money just belongs to B.

OP posts:
puffinrock · 02/07/2015 18:14

Are they bothered by this? Dh and I have always been like this. I have control of all bank accounts and he asks for money as he needs it.

Twinklestein · 02/07/2015 18:19

I'm not sure I would say it was abuse, but B is taking the piss.

puffinrock · 02/07/2015 18:20

Oh sorry I got confused I thought A gave B money to spend which is fine, not spend his whole wage.

Itscurtainsforyou · 02/07/2015 18:23

I agree that B needs to open a bank account, if for no other reason that they would struggle if therelationship failed.