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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financial abuse: What's going on here?

53 replies

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 17:00

Partner A and Partner B, plus 2 children. Money is tight. Partner A works full time and Partner B stays at home, 1 child is in school, the other is a baby.

Partner A receives wages and tax credits into their account as B has no bank account. On payday, A pays all the bills (all in A's name), buys food shopping, groceries, clothing and wverything needed for the children etc. B receives a weekly sum of money which is spent solely on B. A also spends money on them self but probably half or a little more than the amount that B spends.

Is A abusive as they hold the purse strings or is B abusive as they refuse to take any financial responsibility?

OP posts:

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 18:23

A does give b a proportion of A's wages. B does not have a job but stays at home with the baby.

OP posts:

puffinrock · 02/07/2015 18:26

Well thats ok then as long as not excessive amount? Dh doesnt have a set amount he as it as he needs it.

GemmaTeller · 02/07/2015 18:27

B does not have a bank account as they have no I'D and also don't really mind not having one

How can you have no ID?

Teabagbeforemilk · 02/07/2015 18:28

It all depends on if A and B are happy with this situation

It sounds as though A isn't.

puffinrock · 02/07/2015 18:29

Loads of people have no id. If you have lost your birth certificate and have never had a passport or driving licence

QuiteLikely5 · 02/07/2015 18:29

I don't think this is abusive.

Who is unhappy? And why?

Teabagbeforemilk · 02/07/2015 18:31

I am trying to figure out why anyone would think it's abusive

MadameJulienBaptiste · 02/07/2015 18:37

I'm getting that OP is A and getting pissed off paying for everything and ending up with less spends than b, who spends their share on some hobby that a thinks is too expensive and resents working to pay for this hobby.

Not at all financially abusive, just people with different priorities for their money which is causing resentment with the one earning the money.

If b is spending £500 a week on dope or motorbikes I'd be resentful too. But if it's a tenner on a couple of magazines then yabu to resent it.

Whether b is unreasonable depends on household income and how much is the hobby.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 02/07/2015 18:39

is B a 'free man on the land' type with the no ID?

put a utilities bill in Bs name, voila, ID!

lougle · 02/07/2015 18:44

A has the control in literal terms because it is a that gives the money to B, so unless B is intimidating A then s/he can't blame B for the amount they're spending.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 02/07/2015 18:52

Solely spending on one thing suggests drugs or alcohol to me, am happy to be told otherwise.

A resents being responsible for everything and would like B to assume a more adult role in the running of the house, but fundamentally doesn't trust B with access to accounts or paying bills. Is that accurate?

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 18:54

Thankyou everyone for your replies, it's very much appreciated. You are correct in guessing that I am A. I am no longer in a relationship with B after a ten year relationship during which he was emotionally, physically and sexual ly abusive towards me. The reason for my post is that he has recently told mutual friends that I was controlling financially and it made me worry that perhaps I was financially abusive towards him? So the format of my post was to get replies for the financial scenario only, and it looks like the general concensus is thst neither of us was financially abusive, which is what I believed at the time. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 18:54

Gilbert your post is spot on.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 02/07/2015 19:06

Ignore him. Abusers always say they're abused.

I'm glad you got out of it.

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 19:10

Thankyou twinklestein. It's kind of you to say that.

OP posts:

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 02/07/2015 19:53

I second what Twinkle says.

Lweji · 02/07/2015 20:13

Well done for getting out.

Accusations are part of the script.

Ignore pretty much he comes up with.

Is it a recent separation? Has he come up with other gems?

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 20:40

It's been 18 months but I've struggled to maintain proper boundaries. He came to my house several times but I've stopped that, he's been here once in the last 6 months and won't be here again. He still refuses to have the children but will see them if I stay and look after them (there are 3 children but the youngest was a baby when we left and the time period I think he was referring to was before she was born). He still manages to manipulate my thoughts but I am away, the children are away, and physically we are safe from him. The dynamic is different now and I don't feel intense fear from him and don't believe he would hurt me now as I would report him. Also the children are always present so he has to be the good guy in front of them.

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/07/2015 20:49

It sounds very hard to you.

Is there any possibility that someone else will supervise contact with the father?

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 21:07

He won't agree to it. He doesn't want me to have time to myself I think.

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 02/07/2015 21:12

He still refuses to have the children but will see them if I stay and look after them

It is not your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between him and his children. That is his worry and ultimately his loss if he fails to sustain it. It sounds very much like he is using the one thing he has left, the children, to continue to mess with you.

On the face of it, Bs behaviour in your OP might not come across as financially abusive, but I was in an abusive relationship where my ex also refused to take any financial responsibility, and in the context of the relationship, I consider it to be abusive. My SW at the time agreed. As an adult, you don't get to just check out of that kind of responsibility, especially when there are children involved.

RandomMess · 02/07/2015 21:14

I would just stop him visiting tbh let him take you to court you certainly won't be worse off!

So proud of you for getting away.

Eminado · 02/07/2015 21:19

Well done for getting out OP!!!

I knew B was spending all the money on some selfish non productive habit as alluded to by Gilbert.

If you can sort out the contact issue you'll be laughing.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/07/2015 21:26

You are correct. He is so nasty and spiteful that he cannot bear to let you have any time away from the children.

Do not encourage contact. It's not your problem and I wouldn't be surprised if, once another woman is on the scene he abandons the children anyway. Because to him they are weapons to control you with.

Original poster

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 22:52

He kicked off at me on fathers day so since then I have stopped my part in maintaining contact. I told him I am happy to drop the children off but that is it. So far he hasn't initiated contact and his phone calls to the children are already becoming less frequent.

OP posts:

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