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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is a lie isn't it?

75 replies

Ponyinthepool · 29/06/2015 13:05

A couple I know have been together for 11 years and married for 3. Out of the blue, she has ended the marriage and said there is no negotiation, her decision has been made. The reason she has given is that she wants to focus on her career and not have another person to consider.

It smells like bullshit to me. Who ends their marriage to concentrate on work? I'm convinced there is someone else, particularly because she has refused to reconsider/negotiate.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Northumberlandlass · 29/06/2015 13:07

Erm....wow!
What does it matter to you?

PeppermintPasty · 29/06/2015 13:07

Are you involved in it somehow? Why so interested?

Some people do have an epiphany, and then act decisively. It happens.

GrannyWW · 29/06/2015 13:08

That its none of your buisness ?

msrisotto · 29/06/2015 13:09

Yes because on mumsnet, we only talk about issues that directly involve us

AreYouThinkingWhatImThinking · 29/06/2015 13:09

There may have been abuse in the relationship but she has chosen to remain private about it?...

He may have been trying to quash her career ambitions?

There maybe someone else?

Who knows, but it's her life and her marriage. Whether she's lying or not it's her business

SurlyCue · 29/06/2015 13:12

What do i think? I think its her business not yours. You can think what you like but she's under no obligation to be honest with you about why it is over. She can tell you and the general public whatever she likes. For all you know her husband is gay and doesnt want people to know so she has agreed to this story. Or it could be, you know, the truth!

velourvoyageur · 29/06/2015 13:12

Are you the DH?

TheStoic · 29/06/2015 13:13

Does the career involve travel or moving countries, and the partner was not prepared to follow?

I've known many women to end marriages without someone else involved (I was one of them). But I didn't bother giving any reasons to outsiders.

HavenKimmel · 29/06/2015 13:17

I'm a close friend to her husband and am concerned that he is not getting the truth. I saw her cheat on him at a party a year ago (neither of them know that I saw this) so I know she has form. I'm just curious as to whether the current situation seems peculiar or whether my judgement is clouded by previous events. Thanks for the advice to mind my own business, very helpful.

LazyLouLou · 29/06/2015 13:18

MMm! Name change fail???

SurlyCue · 29/06/2015 13:20

Youre hardly a close friend if you saw his wife cheat and didnt tell him!

Hoppinggreen · 29/06/2015 13:22

Doesn't sound very plausible but keep out if it anyway.

mynewpassion · 29/06/2015 13:24

Maybe its a lie if she's cheated in the past but don't tell the husband. You were his friend and could have told him.

maybe he wants children and she doesn't. Who really knows except her and him. Encourage him to accept it and move on.

pocketsaviour · 29/06/2015 13:25

I saw her cheat on him at a party a year ago (neither of them know that I saw this)

You stood (crouched?) and watched her have sex with someone?!

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 29/06/2015 13:31

Yeah she's probably cheating, tbf.

If your friend isn't drawing his own conclusions already I'd gently suggest it.

And if genders were reversed you'd all be saying the same, so why all the myob bullshit?

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 13:32

I think MN is exactly the place where we discuss things that are none of our business - things you couldn't possibly raise with a mutual acquaintance. Just because OP is wondering about it doesn't mean she wants to do anything or get involved. I hate it when people go all holier than though about keeping your nose out. Unless the situation is very identifiable, posting anonymously on the internet is hardly getting involved.

IME the "official" reason for a break up is almost never the actual reason because relationships are more complex than that. Even where there's been an affair and that the easy place to place the blame there will always be more to it than that.

In this case, there are probably numerous reason why the relationship is over, one of the benefits is that she gets to work on her career. She could have an OM, her ex could have been violent or EA. He could have had an affair and she's agreed to keep quiet.There are lots of things within a relationship people prefer to keep private.

DrSethHazlittMD · 29/06/2015 13:33

On another thread at present, it is stated as fact by most mumsnetters that any man who just walks out on a marriage like this with no or little negotiation WILL have someone else already in the wings.

Presumably all those same mumsnetters will be along to say precisely the same thing, despite this being gender reversed.

FenellaFellorick · 29/06/2015 13:36

It's possible she is cheating. It's possible she just wants out.
If she wants someone else, it's better to end the marriage than be a shit who creeps about.
It would be nice to talk it over of course but anyone, man or woman, has the right to end a relationship that isn't working for them for any reason. Nobody is owed a relationship. Nobody needs permission to end one.
Support your friend to accept the relationship is over.

SurlyCue · 29/06/2015 13:37

Presumably all those same mumsnetters will be along to say precisely the same thing, despite this being gender reversed.

Only if they see this thread. Maybe you should PM them and ask them to provide an opinion to satisfy your need to prove that MN is rife with double standards.

HavenKimmel · 29/06/2015 13:40

I saw her have a drunken kiss at a party - not great, but I thought just drunken stupidity and didn't want to worry him.

There is no abuse, he's supportive of her career, he's not gay etc. I'm not involving myself - he is confiding in me, desperate to understand where this has come from, and it doesn't make sense to me either, hence asking for an impartial opinion, understandable I think, so spare me the judgement.

BlankXpression · 29/06/2015 13:40

How can anyone possibly know? Her husband could be a nasty bastard...he could have cheated... she could have cheated...they could have just grown apart...there could be any number of problems in their marriage that you are not privy to.

The main thing is that when someone ends their marriage and presumably you are a friend of one or both, OP, you respect their right to privacy. So what if it is 'bullshit'?

BlankXpression · 29/06/2015 13:42

cross posts, OP. He won't ever understand her decision by speculating with friends. As hard as it must be for him, he has to respect that she no longer wants to be married to him. If it turned out there was another man, would it make things any better?

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 13:43

"There is no abuse, he's supportive of her career, he's not gay etc"

You don't know any of that. IME men (and women) are very good at painting the picture of a perfect homelife, even to their nearest and dearest. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Why does it matter anyway? She's gone and it's over. Knowing she cheated isn't going to help him any more than knowing she's just fallen out of love, or never loved him in the first place will.

TheStoic · 29/06/2015 13:43

*On another thread at present, it is stated as fact by most mumsnetters that any man who just walks out on a marriage like this with no or little negotiation WILL have someone else already in the wings.

Presumably all those same mumsnetters will be along to say precisely the same thing, despite this being gender reversed.*

Nope. It's just one of those things that men generally don't let go of one branch until they've grabbed hold of the next one. Cry sexism all you like.

SlightlyJaded · 29/06/2015 13:44

OP - Why are you name changing for each of your posts? Very confusing

And whilst I DO understand that you want to support your friend, you cannot categorically say 'there is no abuse' unless you live with them.

If you know them both very well, there probably isn't. But you cannot know for sure.

But above all - as is repeated daily on MN - you don't need a reason for ending a marriage. A harsh blow to the left behind party, but a fact none the less.

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