This is a lie isn't it?

[Ponyinthepool]

A couple I know have been together for 11 years and married for 3. Out of the blue, she has ended the marriage and said there is no negotiation, her decision has been made. The reason she has given is that she wants to focus on her career and not have another person to consider.

It smells like bullshit to me. Who ends their marriage to concentrate on work? I'm convinced there is someone else, particularly because she has refused to reconsider/negotiate.

What do you think?

[Therein2tics]

It is interesting isn't it. Just from reading it, I am curious to know. Maybe it is not out of the blue, how do you know it is? Maybe she has long been thinking about this. Maybe he doesn't want you to know and this is what he is telling you? Why would she not ask him to accomodate the changes needed to fullfill her career ambitions? What are her ambitions? Maybe she has been asking him to over time and knows he is not willing to compromise?

But this is my noseyness and none my business and sure my finding out will not help him. Personally I think for this kind of thing you just have to be supportive.

[FieldTrip]

Maybe she knows about or suspects your affair with him OP?

[Cabrinha]

He's a good friend yet you didn't tell him when his WIFE kissed someone at a party?

You're not a good friend.

You're a good friend but you can't just ASK HIM how he is, now you've heard about the break up and let him tell you she's a cheat if he wants to?

You sound less like a friend and more like a rubber necking gossip.

MYOB.

[AnyFucker]

I think you should butt out of other people's relationships

Do you fancy a go of him yourself ?

[Cabrinha]

Ah, too much name changing, I saw he is confiding in you.

Have you told him you let him down when he may have had a chance to challenge her on the kiss, could have had a chance to nip something in the bud and persuaded her it was a wake up call for her (and maybe him) to put some serious work in?

[TheStoic]

Danger! Danger! You're too invested in this and you're only getting half a story.

Do you have a partner yourself, OP?

[butterflygirl15]

she could have been unhappy for years - you can't really know can you.

[HavenKimmel]

Jesus wept. No I'm not involved with him nor do I want to be.

AF, bit rich coming from you, given you're such a prolific poster on the relationships board.

People do stupid things, we're human, we make mistakes. Even though you think you'd have told him about the kiss, when you're in that position, to potentially cause devastation to someone else's marriage on the strength of what could have been a one off stupid mistake, is a huge responsibility.

I think as a pp said, what made me think there is someone else is her refusal to discuss it, having seen the pattern form on previous threads. Spouse presents the split as a fait accompli and it inevitably emerges that there's an OW.

I'm off to find a sofa to crouch behind, hopefully someone will be good enough to come and have sex on it in front of me.

[FieldTrip]

OP makes a decent point there AF

[Headdesk]

From the outside that must have been what my marriage looked like. I went to uni and then left my husband. I looked like the selfish one. I wasn't.
On the outside he looked like the perfect husband. However when it was just me and him, he was emotionally abusive he also refused to let me have friends and refused to let me work, the battle to let me apply to uni was a ridiculously long and hard one, it was exhausting. So I left. I looked like the bad guy who left him. There's always a lot more to a story.

[PeppermintPasty]

I don't think you should get so defensive op. After all, you didn't put the bit about the kiss etc in the original op, and it made you sound, well, a bit weird and over-invested.

You can't possibly know anyway, what goes on one on one. Perhaps just keep on supporting your friend as best you can.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Goodness. She brings a sudden end to a marriage - might suggest he's done something unforgivable but she doesn't want to talk about it. Rape, perhaps.

[TealFanClub]

i am lolling at AF telling someone to butt out of someone relationships



IME there is another person waiting in the wings

ALWAYS IS

[AnyFucker]

lol away

I am finding it rather amusing that op purports to know this bloke better than his wife does. That's a cracker that one.

[ShortandSweeter]

she's got someone else.

[morage]

If he honestly didn't see that his wife was unhappy in their marriage, then it sounds like he is emotionally very unaware. People do not leave marriages out of the blue. They leave because they are unhappy.

[Bogeyface]

People do not leave marriages out of the blue. They leave because they are unhappy.

Wrong.

People do leave out of the blue, usually because there is someone else and they checked out of the relationship a long time before they leave.

I would put the mortgage money on there being someone else.

[morage]

But you do not turn to someone else unless you are unhappy.
And if she checked out the relationship a long time ago, this would hardly be out of the blue.

[Bogeyface]

But you do not turn to someone else unless you are unhappy.

Again, wrong.

Ask anyone who found out a spouses affair, very often they were happy but wanted a bit of fun on the side and dont want the marriages to end.

Those who do leave are fundementally selfish because they keep the spouse in the dark about the fact that they want to be with someone else until the new relationship is in a place where they can confidently leave without being alone at any point.

[Bogeyface]

And if she checked out the relationship a long time ago, this would hardly be out of the blue.

And you can check out of a relationship emotionally and still behave in exactly the same way so that your spouse had no idea. You just have to read this board to see that. Women who are totally blown away when the husband announces he is leaving and goes straight from her to the OW, who it turns out he has been having an affair with for years! This actually happened to a poster who is on MN dealing with the divorce and the fall out from his utter selfishness right now . She had no idea until the day he walked out of the door.

[pocketsaviour]

I'm off to find a sofa to crouch behind, hopefully someone will be good enough to come and have sex on it in front of me.

I'll be there in 20 minutes, please supply a suitable man

The thing is OP, how is it helpful for this guy to think there's a possibility there was another man, or she has left for the reasons she stated? What actual difference does it make to his recovery?

I think the biggest hurdle to get over with break ups is this "WHY???" and there's a temptation to look for an outside influence that we can throw our anger and grief at. But that really doesn't help - time helps, and throwing away mementoes, and getting out with friends and doing stuff, and having ill-judged one night stands and just generally getting on with life.

I would help your friend by being a listening ear and encouraging him to get out and about, help with practical stuff like finding a new place to live - but your duty as a friend isn't to be a private detective looking for evidence.

When I left my husband, he was absolutely adamant that there was another man. Never mind that I went to work 8hrs a day and then spent all evening and all weekend with him and DSS. Never mind that after I moved out, I had DSD every weekend and often midweek as well. He told everyone in his family (he didn't have any friends) that I'd left him for another man. Because it was easier for him to tell himself that someone had "stolen" me, than to face up to his own behaviour in the marriage.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Another thread where the OP disappears...............

[FieldTrip]

Op post less than 30 mins ago Exit. She keeps changing her name so the colour thing doesn't work.

[HavenKimmel]

"I am finding it rather amusing that op purports to know this bloke better than his wife does."

Tell me AF, when did I say any such thing.

[RandomFriend]

Another thread where the OP disappears...............

No, this is a thread where the OP namechanges mid-thread.