This is a lie isn't it?

[Ponyinthepool]

A couple I know have been together for 11 years and married for 3. Out of the blue, she has ended the marriage and said there is no negotiation, her decision has been made. The reason she has given is that she wants to focus on her career and not have another person to consider.

It smells like bullshit to me. Who ends their marriage to concentrate on work? I'm convinced there is someone else, particularly because she has refused to reconsider/negotiate.

What do you think?

[Garlick]

Well, considering alternative suggestions have included she's gay, he's gay, he's done a terrible crime, he's an abuser, and a few other things, Bill, marital rape seems as much on the table as everything else. We're all just pissing in the wind.

[BillMasen]

I'm sorry but this :

"Goodness. She brings a sudden end to a marriage - might suggest he's done something unforgivable but she doesn't want to talk about it. Rape, perhaps."

Is appalling! Someone ends their marriage for reasons unknown and you brand the bloke a possible rapist! That's quite a leap...

[Shodan]

My XH told those of our friends who would listen that he didn't understand why I'd ended the marriage.

He told them there had been no problems, that I had never mentioned being unhappy, that he couldn't understand it.

The reality was, of course, that I had told him repeatedly what the issues were (including but not limited to gambling away our mortgage money; considering a once-weekly bath enough for personal AND professional hygiene (he was a chef); hitting on one of my single friends- the list ran on for a good couple of pages) and he had chosen to ignore me.

I did not end the marriage because there was someone in the wings- I ended it because he was a shit husband. It's possible that your friend, as good at being friends as he might be, is a shit husband.

Or that she just doesn't love him anymore. It happens.

[SurlyCue]

the poster who said the OP isn't a good friend because she didn't tell anyone she saw the woman cheating - wow!

That was me.

I have lost count how many times someone posts a thread on here saying they aren't sure whether to tell someone they're being cheated on, and most people come on replying to stay out of it and not say anything.

What is your point? Were any of those comments made by me? Or does being a MNer mean we all have to agree on every issue?

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

The thread where posters suggest an affair are usually ones where the partner ends the relationship with no reason but this woman has given a reason. She's said she wants to concentrate on her career. Her DH's inability to hear or believe that reason may point to bigger problems ie he distrusts her or/and doesn't take her concerns seriously.

If I was his friend then I'd be supporting him to see the relationship has ended and she has provided a reason. Possibly I'd also be trying to help him see that questioning her reasoning isn't helpful and to think back over the points where he has been unsupportive of her career and where she has expressed concerns about the relationship being in conflict with her career. If she is telling the truth (and I'm tempted to believe her) then 'm guessing it didn't come out of the blue but he just ignored the conversations about her career.

[Madbengalmum]

To be fair OP, it isnt any of your business.
However, i my friend did the same thing siting that her and her partner just didnt work and left.
People were saying she cheated, with no evidence, or she had left her ex as he was in financial difficulty, which they had made up.
she confided in me that he was actually violent, but feared at the time if it came out in public there would be reprisals from her ex.
So if your dont know the full story then summising will probably lead to the wrong conclusion anyway.

[PushingThru]

People discuss relationship dynamics when a poster has sought advice on a particular problem affecting them personally! The consent and participation of a relevant party is present. It's missing here. There's no advice to offer, just speculation.

[morage]

Concentrating on your career is a plausible reason, if your partner tries to stop you ding anything for yourself, including your career. But then concentrating on your career, really means getting rid of controlling and manipulative idiot.

[Cabrinha]

Go re-read your OP, Haven.
Yes, people discuss relationship dynamics on here - but I'd say it's generally their own, or ones they are closely involved with.
Your OP said nothing about supporting the husband.
It just reads like gossip.

If you had said "I'm trying to support the husband who is my friend, and he doesn't understand whether that could be true - what do you think?" you wouldn't have sounded like it was just salacious tittle tattle to you.

Anyway, what happens when someone says maybe she cheated and he says "no, can't have been that, she'd never cheat" to you?

[HavenKimmel]

I wanted an impartial perspective as to whether concentrating on your career was a plausible explanation for terminating a marriage, because it seems peculiar to me, but my judgement is skewed. I'm not taking the information anywhere - if I wanted a gossip I'd fuel the rumour mill and talk to my friends.

What is the relationship board if not people taking an interest in, and having an open discussion about the dynamics of other people's relationships. Which makes all the advice to MYOB fucking funny really.

[Cabrinha]

That was me that said she should have told him she cheated, Fearless.
You're not wrong that a lot of people on here post they wouldn't tell.
I'm not one of them.
No way would I turn a blind eye to friend's partner kissing someone else.

[mynewpassion]

I can understand it if it was a drunken kiss. Even most people on this board would say that don't confess to a drunken kiss but learn from it.

However, I think out of the blue leaving, be it from man or woman, leaves the other spouse reeling and asking why. This is a normal reaction and even more so if the leaving spouse does not tell why he or she is leaving. I think sometimes its obvious, ie abusiveness, but sometimes its not. The remaining spouse does deserve to know why their spouse is leaving.

[Offred]

Do not get involved so intimately with someone else's marriage break up. You took this stance when you saw her cheat so why change things now. IMO you shouldn't have kept the cheating from her h when you saw it and you should not be getting so involved now. Step away. You haven't shown yourself to be much of a friend to the h with keeping her secrets so inappropriate to be supporting him through the break up IMO. How will he feel when he finds out you knew she cheated and didn't tell him and he has been leaning on you for support? He'll likely feel betrayed.

[Fearless91]

I can't believe some of the responses on here

I'm sure all of us have spoken about other people's business! If you say you have never done this you're lying.

Secondly, the poster who said the OP isn't a good friend because she didn't tell anyone she saw the woman cheating - wow! I have lost count how many times someone posts a thread on here saying they aren't sure whether to tell someone they're being cheated on, and most people come on replying to stay out of it and not say anything.

So many judgemental people on here! The OP simply posted to see if others thought there was more to the story because she's friends with the guy who's been dumped.
Jeez.

[Lovingfreedom]

Do you have to have an excuse to end a relationship...and does that excuse need to be shared with family friends? Err no.

[Floundering]

Maybe SHE is the one who is gay & can't live the lie anymore.

[Garlick]

I didn't tell people XH was abusive I didn't even realise what a nasty piece of work he is until a few years later - it messes with your head like that. We told everyone we'd realised we had incompatible relationship styles (True!!)

Creating a big mystery out of it will only prolong the deserted husband's agony. He should allow himself to be angry for a couple of weeks, then take the Perfect Position that he respects her right to live life her own way. And shag OP, if that was in the plan.

While we're poking around in other people's lives, Haven - how much time did you and the husband spend together, away from his wife?

[sleeponeday]

Are there kids?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Well that is no use to me. I like to have the OP highlighted for easy reading...............

[Garlick]

Maybe you should PM them and ask them to provide an opinion to satisfy your need to prove that MN is rife with double standards.



A friend of mine ended her marriage "because H didn't love her enough". She was being completely honest and accurate, but everyone went anyway. Because people aren't allowed to end marriages just because they don't feel right, are they? Especially not women.

I snogged someone at a party 3 months before my marriage ended. I was fucking miserable, H acted like I had no right to a place in his life, and we looked like a great couple to our friends.

Just support your friend, Haven. Tell him about last year's kiss if you want to. But don't create mysteries, that won't help him.

[HavenKimmel]

I namechanged on my first post and it reverted to the old one after that. I don't keep changing my name, I've still got L pates, sorry.

[AnyFucker]

There is no abuse, he's supportive of her career, he's not gay etc

You know this better than her ?

[lostinnormandieland]

A relationship takes 2. If one wants out, it is finished. You can make the marriage work on your own. Whatever her reasons.

[BastardGoDarkly]

No, she's relyingExit just under different names for some reason.