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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just booted DH to sofa

66 replies

jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 00:09

We've had so many discussions about his endless drinking/drink induced snoring... I am 13 weeks pregnant, I'm not sleeping very well. I'm currently signed off work with anxiety/stress and really need to rest.

He has come in, just now, passed out beside me, pissed. Snoring at full volume within minutes.

I have sent him downstairs. I've had enough. Those of you who have seen my previous threads will say I'm a sucker and get what I deserve, a man who can't change.

Seriously though, he can fuck right off. He's away tomorrow night and I'm going to tell him to make his fucking mind up once and for all.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 25/06/2015 00:11

Thats a good idea. But you need fo go through with it. He will continue to drink. Will the next one drink be your limit? Because if it isnt, the threat is pointless.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 00:16

The problem is, I can't decide where I need to draw the line. I don't expect him to never drink, he has been so so much better in the last six months that these nights out are quite rare now.

What bothers me is that he is well aware of my current situation, there is no empathy, no 'perhaps is better not get twatted tonight so that DW can get some sleep'. We spoke at 7.30pm, I asked him not to drink too much - not because I'm a joyless bitch but because I need to fucking sleep. He comes home at midnight shit faced. Regardless of whether or not he started snoring he already woke me up stomping around the house.

He's 45 FFS, we have DS, it's like living with an overgrown student.

OP posts:
NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 25/06/2015 00:19

I spent most of my pregnancies alone due to insomnia and Ex's snoring. I felt dangerously murderous towards him at times, I was so desperate to sleep. He was on the sofa for months. His snoring wasn't drink related however, that would make you extra cross!

Hope you can make some headway. He should be taking care of you, not coming in late, drunk, and waking you. Why didn't he take HIMSELF to the sofa in the first place?

Hope you can sleep soon.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 00:21

He would normally have slept in the spare room but my mum is staying to help me out with DS. No doubt he woke her up too, selfish wanker.

OP posts:
Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 00:32

I can hear him snoring in the living room beneath me. WIBU to kill him?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 25/06/2015 01:17

No.

Your legal team can broker a deal whereby you plead guilty by reason of temporary insanity caused by pg hormones and you'll be home by Christmas having had hours of undisturbed zzzz's in the restful environment of a pysch unit.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 06:13

He just came crawling back to bed and now I'm awake again! The one morning DS decides to sleep past 5.45am.

I'm so livid.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 06:16

why does your mum need to help with ds if there is another perfectly capable adult in the house ?

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 06:29

She normally has him on a thurs when we both work. I'm off this week but she came over anyway to give me a break today...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 06:35

what does she think about your alcoholic husband ?

DorisLessingsCat · 25/06/2015 06:38

I haven't seen your other threads but he sounds like an alcoholic. If that's the case you need a whole different strategy.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 06:42

She's as unimpressed as me. Dad was an alcoholic though, and she put up with it for 10 years before she divorced him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 06:43

are you going to repeat that example ?

popalot · 25/06/2015 06:45

It has to stop. Drinkers and children don't mix. You will carry the burden and he will carry on having his nights out and waking you up when he finally gets home. Don't sacrifice your basic rights to a stable life for his selfishness.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 06:48

But why do I feel like I'm unreasonable for reacting like this. Even knowing that I am fully in the right here, I feel like I'm overracting. That's how he makes me feel anyway.

OP posts:
DorisLessingsCat · 25/06/2015 06:53

Our society is completely awash with alcohol that anyone who dares to suggest that adults getting shitfaced and incapable is unacceptable is branded as a killjoy.

I do drink (and enjoy it) but have enough experience of alcoholism in my family to know what an insidious and destructive thing it can be.

AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 06:53

of course he makes you feel guilty at enforcing your boundaries

that's what alcoholics do....they are masters at it

none of this is your fault though....he chooses to drink at the expense of his relationships if he doesn't acknowledge a problem (or makes it your problem)

have you done any reading about problem drinkers and how others enable them without realising it ?

kittybiscuits · 25/06/2015 07:00

His is never, never going to turn round and say 'you're absolutely right, I'm an alcoholic and I don't care about you or DC'. He is just going to live that every day, deny, minimise, blame you for everything. That is bog standard behaviour for an alcoholic. He will say and do anything to make you doubt yourself and your views. The only thing that's important to him is keeping on drinking. I completely understand that need to be certain. If you do reach that point, you will have been through, and put your children through a world of shit to get there. Please save yourself and your family from that x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2015 07:07

You are not necessarily a sucker and you do not deserve this.

I am certain your mum did the same as you're doing now and it also took her 10 years to divorce him. You may well be repeating history; you grew up with an alcoholic parent and its of no real surprise that you chose a man who also has an alcohol problem.

Unless your H properly and without any coercion from you wants to address why he is drinking to excess, there is nothing you can do except help your own self. Your child sees and hears all that goes on even if he is not in the same room; they pick up on all the vibes.

Why can't you draw a line, what is exactly stopping you here?.

If he is indeed an alcoholic he should not ever drink again.

His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre aropund where the next drink is going to come from; his own family come a dim and distant second even if you do figure on his priority list. What you are describing and have done to date is life with an alcoholic; you've basically lurched from one crisis to the next. He is making his alcoholism your problem and you are carrying out the usual roles that wives of alcoholics play. Your situation is no different.

Malamutes · 25/06/2015 07:25

I am in the same situation, albeit not pregnant. Last night I had to go downstairs and get completely drunk do to bed, this was at 2.30am as his incessant talking was keeping me awake. He then fell asleep on the toilet.

I will be having a serious conversation tonight. My father died an alcoholic at the age of 43.

I am exhausted and wish he was tee total.

Malamutes · 25/06/2015 07:29

Meant to say how much I sympathise with you Juggling, sleep is so important to be able to function the next day.

My DH has been this way inclined for years so not really sure what to do. Can't chuck him out for this, so what are the other options?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2015 07:30

Malamutes,

The only person you can help here is you; you do not have to live like this.

Talking to him is a waste of time, you've likely had such conversations before. They will only tell you what you want to hear.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2015 07:31

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And why can't you chuck him out?. What is stopping you?. That question needs serious thought.

DorisLessingsCat · 25/06/2015 07:33

I've just searched your threads (sorry). I remember your thread from December 2014. You said you had contacted Al-Anon and were putting you and DS first. How did Al-Anon go?

AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 07:42

oh dear...since Dec 2014 you decided to have another baby with an alcoholic then ?