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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just booted DH to sofa

66 replies

jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 00:09

We've had so many discussions about his endless drinking/drink induced snoring... I am 13 weeks pregnant, I'm not sleeping very well. I'm currently signed off work with anxiety/stress and really need to rest.

He has come in, just now, passed out beside me, pissed. Snoring at full volume within minutes.

I have sent him downstairs. I've had enough. Those of you who have seen my previous threads will say I'm a sucker and get what I deserve, a man who can't change.

Seriously though, he can fuck right off. He's away tomorrow night and I'm going to tell him to make his fucking mind up once and for all.

OP posts:
SinclairSpectrum · 25/06/2015 07:45

Second that sentiment AF, I know what's done is done but why the fuck wouldn't you sort this out before having another baby? Its just going to bring more stress and resentment.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 07:57

It was and is generally sorted and much much better, as I've said here. Between Dec and April there were no problems, I issued a last chance ultimatum and there have been no repeat performances of his 2014 behaviour. We started trying in April and got lucky first cycle. He doesn't drink to the point of verbal abuse anymore, and he has really curbed the number and intensity of his nights out.

However, he's still drinking regularly. I had to call him on it over the weekend, he has drank everyday for over three weeks. At home or a quick one or two after work. Not one night off. I told him I want a healthy husband, not one in an early grave. It seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

The snoring has become a much bigger problem since I fell pregnant and find it much harder to sleep. Mind is buzzing while he snores. His solution was to move to the spare room, grudgingly. It was me who suggested he might want to lose a little weight and drink less. No efforts on either front though. It all just feels like a big 'fuck you'. But I feel unfair saying that when I know he has tried very hard to tone down his nights out.

I guess last night was a 'slip up'. He's apologised saying he didn't mean to get so drunk. But how many of these do you allow? He's never admitted to being an alcoholic so I can't even talk to him about it without him going on the defensive 'my job needs me to drink'... The usual bullshit.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/06/2015 07:58

Why can't you chuck him out malamutes?

And juggling his alcoholism isn't your fault. But you are enabling it, without even knowing it. And yes, I know it's too late but why the hell have another baby? You've known for a long time what he's like

BitOutOfPractice · 25/06/2015 07:59

So he managed to cut down to just about tolerable levels for 4 months then...

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 08:01

Malamutes, I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation. Sleep deprivation just lowers the tolerance threshold even more.

Al anon... I looked them up, I toyed with going to a meeting but didn't. I guess I also don't feel like his drinking warrants that sort of intervention. I know I'm deluding myself- if it's affecting the family, it's a problem.

I have, and do put DS first though. I'm not prepared to break up over this though. It's not a big enough problem, yet, and I have forgiven DH some of his previous behaviour.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 08:03

my job needs me to drink....what bollocks

he has done that typical alcohol dependent thing of reining it in long enough for you to stfu, then simply starting to escalate again

AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 08:05

he is letting you down, jm

and you are enabling it

expect things to get a lot worse when the baby comes and you will be even more trapped and resigned to it by then Sad

Olddear · 25/06/2015 08:07

It is a big enough problem. It really is. You just keep moving the goalposts.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/06/2015 08:08

he has done that typical alcohol dependent thing of reining it in long enough for you to stfu, then simply starting to escalate again

He has done that typical manipulative bastard thing of pretending to do as you asked until getting you pregnant, so you are trapped and can't leave him.

But if you're going to stay with an alcoholic (and inflict an alcoholic father on your children) then you need to accept that regular sleepless nights due to snoring are part of the deal.

AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 08:11

that too, BF Sad

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 08:16

Well look, he has just gone out to work and is abroad tonight/tomorrow on business. For once, he is on his own, not a company jolly, so I sincerely hope it gives him some time to consider his options. I have given him the massive cold shoulder this morning, told him I'm now undecided whether I will attend a family do (his side) tomorrow night and Saturday which is when we were next due to see each other.

You are all right.

Essentially this:

'I'm sorry I upset you'
'You knew this would upset me. You chose to do it anyway'.

No response for that is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 08:18

Why is it that if he had an affair, or ever hit me, I would leave in an instant, no question.

But this... because drinking is so engrained in our culture and society (I've been a big social drinker in the past), I seem to make so many allowances for it.

OP posts:
catsrus · 25/06/2015 08:27

You're misunderstanding what Al anon is for - it's not about intervention - it's about you. It's for the families and friends of people who are alcohol dependent - it's not about your dp, it will help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and enable you to make some choices. It doesn't suit everyone but some people find it invaluable.

pocketsaviour · 25/06/2015 08:30

I have, and do put DS first though. I'm not prepared to break up over this though. It's not a big enough problem, yet, and I have forgiven DH some of his previous behaviour.

I am absolutely certain that your mum said exactly the same to herself for the 10 years she spent with your alcoholic dad before she left him.

You are putting up with this because she taught you by example that alcoholics have to be given leeway, that their drinking is more important than your health and needs.

Have you ever talked to your mum about all this? Have you ever asked her "Do you wish you'd told dad to go sooner?"

WellErrr · 25/06/2015 08:49

How are you 13 weeks pregnant if you started trying in April?

Just wondering, not troll hunting.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/06/2015 08:51

because drinking is so engrained in our culture and society (I've been a big social drinker in the past), I seem to make so many allowances for it.

:(

You're very far from alone in that. Most of us do it to a greater or lesser extent. Like you say, it's cultural.

And growing up with an alcoholic Dad taught you some lessons about this that clearly weren't ones you needed to learn.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 08:51

I fell pg in April. They add two weeks to your dates too, I think. It's irrelevant, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 08:55

Bath time, this is the thing. Not once in our relationship has my drinking, and occasionally I've been pissed too, affected him in any negative way. Never upset him, kept him awake, mouthed off at him, or broken a promise. He did and is still doing some if not all of these things, albeit on a less regular basis.

There is an Al anon near me on Tuesday. I promise you all I will give it a go.

OP posts:
newstart15 · 25/06/2015 08:57

It's very unlikely that he will change especially if he feels it's acceptable in work (which I question as times have changed in the corporate world and drinking to excess isn't leadership matetial).

How do you feel knowing that this is how your life will be? How will you shield your children from the 'acceptability' of alcohol when they see daddy drunk or hungover?

I know what you are going through because I had similar however I left and have NEVER regretted it.I'm sad he couldn't change and I regret a marriage ending but I chose not to live that life with my children.Until you come out of it you won't realise how on edge you are, how you can be you - not being labelled the "killjoy".

No one in my life or immediate circle drink heavily..its such a relaxed and pleasant life which you are not currently living.

You are an adult, you can choose your levels of acceptability.What he does isn't acceptable to YOU and makes you unhappy so enough of a reason to leave.

Duckdeamon · 25/06/2015 08:59

The situation with his drinking was clearly not sorted and it was not sensible to get pg. He clearly still has a problem and is unable or unwilling to address it.

The question is will you continue to put up with it?

It isn't society that is making it hard for you to leave him over his alcohol abuse and the impact this has on you and the DC. it is more likely your experience with an alcoholic parent.

You can't police or set rules around his drinking or control it, or stop it.

But you can set some boundaries. You are absolutely NOT putting yourself or your DS first at present. Not at all. Al anon could help.

The situation at home won't be helping your mental health or work situation either.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 09:12

But if I left him over this, one slip up since January, wouldn't that be perceived as crazy? I have no doubt I would talk myself into the fact that I was too intolerant, not chilled out enough. After all, all the husbands I know do it... Would I ever meet another man who doesn't drink to excess? Most of the men I know, do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 09:22

it's not one slip up...in your op you say it is constant

one big incident last night yes, but you know there is more low level stuff

nobody said ltb immediately

there is a middle ground....start with Al anon and get some support in changing your own reactions to having a partner with a drinking problem

maybe it will be the beginning of the end of your marriage, maybe it won't

AnyFucker · 25/06/2015 09:23

most of the men I know don't

or they did, but decided to leave that lifestyle behind when they had a young family

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 25/06/2015 09:25

Well, the drinking is daily, yes, but he doesn't get drunk daily. The snoring is constant. He frequently falls asleep at 8.30pm on the sofa, snoring. It's boring, and miserable.

AF, thank you. I don't want to and am not ready to LTB just yet. I hope Al anon will help.

Should I tell him I'm going to it? Anyone done this before?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 25/06/2015 09:25

Your thinking around this is not very clearheaded. I hope AlAnon can help you with that.

But if I left him over this, one slip up since January, wouldn't that be perceived as crazy?

Perceived by whom? Why do you care what they think? It's your relationship, you can leave for any reason you want.

I have no doubt I would talk myself into the fact that I was too intolerant, not chilled out enough.

You are probably right about what you would do.

But why should you be tolerant of and chilled out about having an alcoholic living in your children's home?

After all, all the husbands I know do it... Would I ever meet another man who doesn't drink to excess? Most of the men I know, do.

Maybe you need to meet some new people, for whom excessive male drinking isn't the norm.

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