Just booted DH to sofa

[jugglingmonkey]

We've had so many discussions about his endless drinking/drink induced snoring... I am 13 weeks pregnant, I'm not sleeping very well. I'm currently signed off work with anxiety/stress and really need to rest.

He has come in, just now, passed out beside me, pissed. Snoring at full volume within minutes.

I have sent him downstairs. I've had enough. Those of you who have seen my previous threads will say I'm a sucker and get what I deserve, a man who can't change.

Seriously though, he can fuck right off. He's away tomorrow night and I'm going to tell him to make his fucking mind up once and for all.

A 45 year old who gets shit faced, on a work night, when he knows it will upset his unwell and pregnant partner and who didn't mean to get that drunk, sounds like he's ticking lots of alcoholic boxes to me.

His alcoholism will only get worse unless he is willing to get some help. The fact that he can't maintain a reasonable level of drinking for any length of time shows this.

It is a progressive disease - you cannot control it, you did not cause it and you can't cure it.

Al anon could be very enlightening and also very helpful.

Alcoholics can recover with the right help and support but any recovery must start with his willingness to admit he cannot control his drinking. Unless he is ready to do this, it is unlikely to work and you need to put yourself and your DC as your top priority - as you are definitely not his.

You absolutely are not overreacting, BTW.

OP...Hi, this was me 35yrs. ago. I was 38 wks pregnant and he swayed in all "attituded" up. Really threaders I was. He was sneering at me! I dont know where I got the strength, but I punched him halfway across the room, onto a huge club armchair. The momentum carried drunk and chair onto a wall, were he slid unconscious down to floor. It was like a comedy, but serious. His left eye and upper head was smarting for a few days. DF took me aside and asked? Oh he did titter.

My DM was an alcoholic as was DFil. Both are dead now due to alcohol related issues. Why am I relating this? I know what youre going through. I decided to stay. I had a totally unhealthy relationship with drink. I was the ultimate joy crusher. People ran in the opposite direction when they saw me. DFil told me frequently to "Get to Falkirk". Went NC with DM for long time. DH over the years has burned himself out. He rarely touches the stuff.

You'll do what you have to do. When you decide youll take no prisoners.

If you are not prepared to leave him this will never change. This is your life, forever.

It's not one slip up since Janauary, he's still drank nearly every single day since then hasn't he? It's just the part if the cycle where he just starts drinking more and more again, and it'll come to the point where you give him another 'last chance ultimatum' and it'll go back to a level where you think it's acceptable (but he's still drinking pretty much every day) then after a while, a few months probably, he'll start drinking more and more and then it'll get to the stage where you give him another 'last change ultimatum' and it'll go back to a level where you think it's acceptable (but he'll still be drinking pretty much every day) then after a while, a few months maybe, he'll start drinking more and more, and it'll get to the point where you'll give him another 'last change ultimatum', and so it'll continue.

I have been there.

I was there was for a decade.

I am no longer there and I am happier than I have been in over a decade. My sons have a better and less unhappy life.

He is an alcoholic. You cannot change that, but you can change your life, no matter how frightening the thought of that change is.

Currently you are not putting your son first because you are also not putting your own self first. He is still an alcoholic and you are still enabling his behaviour. What you write is all very typical of what families go through when it comes to alcoholism. Its truly a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic.

Your son is now growing up in a household where alcoholism is present. You are now pregnant again.

Your mother took ten years to rid herself of her man and I am certain she has said all the stuff you tell yourself to justify your actions and why you stay. I am certain too she wishes that she had divorced him far earlier. You grew up with an alcoholic father and that affects you now to this day.

If you are stating that most of the men around you drink to excess then I think you need to expand your horizons. Not all men drink to excess by any means.

His actions are affecting you and your family life to its overall detriment so it is a problem.

Do go to that Al-anon meeting on Tuesday; it is precisely for people like you.

Denial and alcoholism go hand in hand. He is deep in denial and likely also badly under estimates how much he is drinking too.

I'm just so

When we first got together, we enjoyed drinking socially. I realised he was a bit of a lightweight, but no red flags at all.

Then we got married, still no red flags.

When I fell pregnant first time, it all changed. I wasn't drinking anymore, and his behaviour was unveiled to me. I guess I can't have been too dissimilar. As I expressed increased frustration with his frequent drinking/lack of respect for pregnant wife, he became resentful of me and it became a problem between us. Me the controlling killjoy. DS arrived, nothing changed. Why did I expect him to change his drinking habits in the arrival of his first child?

AF, you say most of the men you know left this behind when they had a young family. This is exactly what I thought would happen. DH is wonderful in every other way. I guess I picked wrong

It's so easy to minimise, don't beat yourself up. But he will not change unless he wants to. I really hope you get the support you need.

Alcohol or the misuse of it ran right through my 30 odd year marriage. Never bad enough to leave but never minimal enough for it to not be a problem.

He didn't even drink in the house but once out it was like a competition to see how much and his mates could neck.

I saw him drink 3 pints in an hour.no wonder he ended up with a big bloated stomach and he wasn't a mellow drunk. He was a nasty argumentative one.

He would get selfish then. Like the drink gave him wings.

Be careful about issuing ultimatums. They are meaningless if you don't follow through.

We teach people how to treat us .

Dowser, DH is very similar.

We recently flew back from holiday. He'd called the stewardess over for a Bloody Mary before the drink service even started. He then had another. Then 3x wines. In quick succession. Just me and him. I was aghast quite frankly. But did I say anything, of course not.

How has your marriage been for staying? Are you happy?

I was scared to say anything.

I know this isn't right.

You didn't do anything wrong - you didn't "pick wrong" - alcoholism has taken the man you married.

Forgive yourself, protect yourself and have strength to find a new happiness.

Alcoholism doesn't have to take the alcoholic to the park bench before rock bottom is reached and you don't have to wait until "something" happens to justify taking action.

Seize the support and reassurance you are getting here and make it your call to arms.

This is not right and you do not have to be part of it.

But let him know exactly why - don't deny or try to minimise his problem. He needs to know. Al anon should be able to give you tools and support on how to talk to him.

Please use this as the morning that everything changed

"But if I left him over this, one slip up since January, wouldn't that be perceived as crazy?"

No. Because you issued a "I issued a last chance ultimatum" and he has blown that chance. How many more "last chance ultimatums" will you issue? He knows he can ignore them and you will continue to tolerate and enable him. No consequences.

You know he drinks every day because he HAS to. Not because he 'enjoys a drink' because he has to because he's finding it difficult to function without alcohol. Very soon his health will begin to suffer and unless he takes steps to conquer his addiction at that stage, or before, it really is the slippery slope.

If your husband is not going to grow up or admit a problem you need to take the lead, what kind of example is this setting to your dc, will the cycle start again? Will your dc think this is acceptable behaviour when they are older?

I would be nervous of him coming In drunk when there is a newborn in the house. You say this only happened once since you last brought it up,it only takes once for something tragic to happen when he is drunk and bring drunk is NOT an excuse.

Sorry to sound harsh but you need to toughen up and let your husband know that it is not acceptable especially when you have one dc and one on the way.

I hope you seek out help from al-alon to help you get perspective. I wish you well and hope that your husband grows up and realises what he could loose.