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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't care - what have I done wrong

70 replies

IamSoUnhappy14 · 23/06/2015 17:43

To cut a long story short. I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. It was his 27th birthday yesterday. For days I have been telling him I would cook him a special meal and that I was looking forward to spoiling him.

I had specially arranged for leave from work so I could buy him a special present, and prepare a nice romantic meal for that evening. With of course some love afterwards.

By 6 o'clock I had set the table, put on the candles and food was ready. Six becomes 7 becomes 8 and still he hasn't come over. He hasn't phoned so of course I start worrying. I phone him but no answer. Finally he phones me at 11, and I can clearly hear he is as drunk as he is able to get.

His excuse? It was his regular poker evening with the boys. I was absolutely devastated he could treat me like this. I have developed real feelings for him but if it is like this now, what will he be like further down the road.

I feel he doesn't care. I go out of me way to do things for him, whether it be cooking, helping to clean his flat, as well as do his washing and ironing.

What have I done wrong to deserve this.

OP posts:

KnitFastDieWarm · 23/06/2015 17:48

You haven't done anything wrong. He's a tosser.

Get the hell out of there - after three months he should be trying to impress you, not treating you like a servant.

Threefishys · 23/06/2015 17:50

Yep get out of there pronto, he's not ready for a grown up relationship

Original poster

IamSoUnhappy14 · 23/06/2015 17:51

You know, we do everything for our DP and we just get treated like rubbish.

OP posts:

BusyHomemaker · 23/06/2015 17:52

That's incredibly disrespectful of him. It appears he hasn't developed real feelings for you and if he has, is this really what you want? You sound absolutely lovely, I think you should ditch him and hold out for somebody who deserves all you have to offer. Sorry that you're going through this.

ajandjjmum · 23/06/2015 17:53

Well this DP is clearly not worth it - good that you're learning that now, rather than months/years down the line.

BolshierAyraStark · 23/06/2015 17:54

It shouldn't be like this full stop but 3 months in is a definite no. Bin the man child & find someone better, trust me when I tell you that wont be hard.

Original poster

IamSoUnhappy14 · 23/06/2015 17:56

Thanks ajandjjmum. However I do feel it is too soon to give up on this relationship.

Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2015 17:57

You are doing his washing and ironing after 3 months? Fuck that. After 3 months relationships should be about dating and fun, not you doing his laundry!!

Magmatic80 · 23/06/2015 17:59

You can't change him, he has to want to respect you and your feelings, and he doesn't. As pp said, if he doesn't now, right at the beginning, he never will.

Reginafalangie · 23/06/2015 18:00

For days I have been telling him I would cook him a special meal and that I was looking forward to spoiling him.

Did you actually ask him if that is what he wanted.

I am sorry you went to so much trouble but tbh i wouldn't be impressed if my boyfriend of 3 months was TELLING me what I was doing on MY birthday. What right do you have to railroad him?
Nowhere in your OP does it say he agreed to the meal I fact nowhere in you post does it say what he wanted to do.

If the OP had written this the other way around and it was BF who had told her she was having a meal cooked for her birthday the replies would be all "he's controlling" " how dare he tell you what you are doing" " go out and do your own thing OP".

Original poster

IamSoUnhappy14 · 23/06/2015 18:01

I agree NerrSnerr. I just thought he'd appreciate it.

Sometimes I am home mid-morning from the night shift at the hospital and then I have time to waste so i thought I'd help him out with some chores.

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 23/06/2015 18:02

Did he ask you to help with his chores?

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 23/06/2015 18:03

Why are you doing his washing and ironing?

TurnipCake · 23/06/2015 18:03

PUT THE IRON DOWN

Seriously, dump this ungrateful piece of shit. He's like this 3 months in?!

Don't waste your time trying to change him.

Bluetonic123 · 23/06/2015 18:04

I think that if he didn't want the meal he should have told you. I can see how after 3 months it could seem a bit full on but all he had to say was that he was seeing his friends.

BolshierAyraStark · 23/06/2015 18:04

What you're doing wrong is being a doormat & doing his chores for him while he has zero regard for you, you're supposed to be his partner not his fucking mother-quit picking up after him.

PatriciaHolm · 23/06/2015 18:04

"Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?"

You can't, of course you can't. He's not a computer program that just needs different instructions. He's a twat who is already, 3 months in, taking you for granted; you are already part of the furniture, a household appliance.

had you actually made arrangements in terms of time etc that he was going to come round? has poker night not happened before?

Snowflake15 · 23/06/2015 18:05

You can't change him. And by doing his chores ironing cleaning his flat you are just making a fool of yourself - does he do any of this for you? What does he bring to the relationship that makes 'too soon to give up on'?

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 23/06/2015 18:05

And honestly, if someone I had been dating for three months starting acting like the domestic help, I wouldn't be particularity grateful. I'd think they were strange.

PatriciaHolm · 23/06/2015 18:06

"Sometimes I am home mid-morning from the night shift at the hospital and then I have time to waste so i thought I'd help him out with some chores."

You don't live together though? Were you letting yourself into his house to do chores? This is odder and odder.

Original poster

IamSoUnhappy14 · 23/06/2015 18:06

Regina, since I mentioned it more then once to him, the decent thing of him would have been to say "thanks, but no thanks".

By keeping quiet and not saying anything you certainly give the impression you think it is a good idea.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 23/06/2015 18:06

It's not too soon to give up on a relationship, it's perfect timing. You have discovered that he is an inconsiderate tosser who just isn't that fussed about you, and you have only wasted three months of your life on him.

Certainly don't waste any more time on him.

gatewalker · 23/06/2015 18:06

Pagwatch · 23/06/2015 18:11

Goodness, back off.

You seem to think being an utter doormat is how people show love.
It isn't. You won't change him. In fact you are just teaching him very clearly that you really want to hang around, generally being subordinate.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 23/06/2015 18:11

I'm with gatewalker

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