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Relationships

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't care - what have I done wrong

70 replies

IamSoUnhappy14 · 23/06/2015 17:43

To cut a long story short. I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. It was his 27th birthday yesterday. For days I have been telling him I would cook him a special meal and that I was looking forward to spoiling him.

I had specially arranged for leave from work so I could buy him a special present, and prepare a nice romantic meal for that evening. With of course some love afterwards.

By 6 o'clock I had set the table, put on the candles and food was ready. Six becomes 7 becomes 8 and still he hasn't come over. He hasn't phoned so of course I start worrying. I phone him but no answer. Finally he phones me at 11, and I can clearly hear he is as drunk as he is able to get.

His excuse? It was his regular poker evening with the boys. I was absolutely devastated he could treat me like this. I have developed real feelings for him but if it is like this now, what will he be like further down the road.

I feel he doesn't care. I go out of me way to do things for him, whether it be cooking, helping to clean his flat, as well as do his washing and ironing.

What have I done wrong to deserve this.

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 23/06/2015 18:52

The 1950s called and they would like their attitudes back.

eurochick · 23/06/2015 18:53

He should have told you but he is probably feeling smothered. In my mid 20s I had a bf who after a few weeks had timetabled my entire weekend. At one point I went home to change, thought stuff this and went to the pub with another friend. That was the end of that! It was a very immature way to deal with it but I'm very independent and didn't react well to having my life planned for me without consultation!

Whether or not that is what is happening here, you don't sound well suited so why not just move on?

eddielizzard · 23/06/2015 18:56

DON'T TRY TO CHANGE ANYONE
don't do washing / chores for someone unless you're in a long term committed relationship.
you're jumping into all this way too fast.

he's an arse, he's taking you for granted, i would be unavailable for quite a period of time. AND ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO ANY HOUSEWORK FOR HIM!!! i hope that is clear.

Heels99 · 23/06/2015 18:57

Perhaps he wants to have fun rather than you to be his housekeeper.
Heh was rude not to turn up for the dinner.
You have only been with him 12 weeks, cut your losses

UncertainSmile · 23/06/2015 18:58

At the risk of getting my arse kicked by MNHQ, this is bollocks.

Spog · 23/06/2015 18:59

oh for heaven's sake just ditch this user.
he's just shown that he doesn't care about you at all.
you're hanging on to some idea of a 'relationship' that doesn't exist.
bail.
now.

Shinytortoise24 · 23/06/2015 18:59

If he's treating you like crap after 3 months and you keep forgiving his actions you are in for a crap relationship. But I suppose some people just like to be treat like plop in the vain hope you can change them, which you can't.

Listen to all the wise people on here and run for the hills and never look back. There is someone out there who would really appreciate what you did for them.

molyholy · 23/06/2015 19:17

Dump. Dump. Dump. It can't be any clearer. Run for the hills. Cut your losses. You have only been seeing him for 3 months. It should be fun and light at this stage. You should not be washing his skiddy grundies at this stage!!!

Handywoman · 23/06/2015 19:19

at Butterflygirl15

AlistairSim · 23/06/2015 19:29

Does he know he's your boyfriend?

Sconejamcream · 23/06/2015 19:50

FFS just walk away. If he treats you like this now, after just 3 months, think what the future holds - its even more shit.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 23/06/2015 19:58

'We do everything for our DP'

Speak for yourself.

Wind up, surely? No one is this much of a doormat.

dangerrabbit · 23/06/2015 20:09

What did you do wrong?

Choose a shit boyfriend. Bin and move on.

CocktailQueen · 23/06/2015 20:12

Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?

Ha ha! You can't change anyone. Impossible. You either put up with how they are or ditch him.

WTF are you doing his laundry for after 3 months????? What does he do for you???

Chalk it up to experience and FIND SOMEONE WHO IS BETTER FOR YOU AND WHO WILL TREAT YOU BETTER.

goddessofsmallthings · 23/06/2015 23:43

@butterflygirl Stepford calling - we like 1950s attitude and we want to keep it

mommyof23kids · 24/06/2015 02:59

You need to read some books on dating and men, you're doing everything wrong.
The Power of the Pussy is particularly good.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2015 04:53

At the risk of getting my arse kicked by MNHQ, this is bollocks. Will nodding while reading this get my arse kicked as well?

NameChanger54321 · 24/06/2015 11:39

Regardless of whether you've mentioned the meal to him before, I wouldn't go to such an effort without agreement from him. I'd specifically ask him whether that's what he wants rather than mentioning it and just doing it off my own back without his commitment.

I echo the comments about it sounding a bit controlling when you've been dating for such a short time.

He probably thought that as he hadn't said "yes", it wouldn't happen.

You need to back off a little bit. This sounds far too full on for 3 months in. I've been dating my DP for 6 months and I'm only just at a point where I think I might spend my birthday with him in a few weeks as opposed to the usual meal with my friends on my actual birthday, but even still, I'm wondering whether it's a bit premature.

jesy · 24/06/2015 13:56

Don't do it , I've been there done that cooking, cleaning , ironing , I did it partly and please no body flame me , I did it as I lived with .y mum and basically didn't get to do grown up stuff and it was my first relationship and felt grown up.

But he still dumped me , but he's said since he didn't realize he had it so good.

Any way , now I might do a bit of tidying up and cooking as I'm not working and like to help out but if I'd planned something I'd be angry and let him know.

loveareadingthanks · 24/06/2015 18:01

hmmm.. I was going to say washing and ironing and cleaning at 3 months in? Get to fuck...

But then guilty thoughts arose of DP who was helping me out with this stuff at 3 months as he did shift work, loves doing cleaning stuff, and I hate it....but I have to say we are quite a bit older than you two and pretty confident/independent in our ways then. I wasn't taking advantage - he wasn't doing it to try and win me over, it just sort of happened in an informal helping way and we were pretty full on very quickly (moved in at 4 months which I still think is bonkers but it worked for us).

In any case though, the two of you are on different wavelengths with regards to what you want from a relationship. You want a committed cosy sort of thing and he wants a more casual lower priority fun relationship.

It's not to do with 'changing' him. His version of a relationship is fine. As is yours. Just not compatible.

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