My boyfriend doesn't care - what have I done wrong

[IamSoUnhappy14]

To cut a long story short. I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. It was his 27th birthday yesterday. For days I have been telling him I would cook him a special meal and that I was looking forward to spoiling him.

I had specially arranged for leave from work so I could buy him a special present, and prepare a nice romantic meal for that evening. With of course some love afterwards.

By 6 o'clock I had set the table, put on the candles and food was ready. Six becomes 7 becomes 8 and still he hasn't come over. He hasn't phoned so of course I start worrying. I phone him but no answer. Finally he phones me at 11, and I can clearly hear he is as drunk as he is able to get.

His excuse? It was his regular poker evening with the boys. I was absolutely devastated he could treat me like this. I have developed real feelings for him but if it is like this now, what will he be like further down the road.

I feel he doesn't care. I go out of me way to do things for him, whether it be cooking, helping to clean his flat, as well as do his washing and ironing.

What have I done wrong to deserve this.

are you really this gullible OP? you sound very young and with an odd view of what constitutes an adult relationship.

Me too

Your mistake is the 'it's too soon to give up'. No it's not.

Personally I wouldn't like being told what I was doing on my birthday. However I would have told my dh that before hand. Is there a reason he didn't want to say no to you?

Either he feels smothered and like he can't say no and actually doesn't like you doing everything for him (in which case he is probably hoping you finish the relationship) or he is an inconsiderate shit.

Either way you can't change him. He is either unhappy and doesn't have the decency to split up with you or is a shit. Do you really want to be with be with either of those options?

Maybe he tried to but you just didn't hear him

I can't think of a single reason why you would do his washing and ironing after three months.

Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?

Yes, change him for a new boyfriend or preferably use your spare time to improve your self esteem.

He is clearly using you - you are doing his chores and providing sex - that's all he wants. .

You know when someone is telling you who they are you should listen to them.

I actually laughed when you asked for advice on how to change him. You are probably not over 27 yourself, judging by your recent actions, cleaning his house, washing and irioning etc, it sounds like you want to mother him, and expecting him to realize his luck in having someone like you, don't, at 27 guys don't give a shit, he will take all you can give him and will still do what he wants. If you are happy to live like this, go for it, just don't start complaining he doesn't appreciate you, you are after getting a taste of who he is, its up to you now!

what you have done wrong? You picked the wrong guy - happens. Then you act like his personal maid - OK, of course it's nice to do nice things for your partner, but is he doing anything similar to you?
And third mistake is imagining that you can change him and it's too early to give up - you can't change another person, and if he's acting like this in the early days of the relationship, it's time to give up and move on. Really. Save yourself years of running rings around a guy who doesn't give a tiny rat's arse.

At 3 months he is not a DP, he's a really shite boyfriend.

Still

Did I just stumble into the 1950s by mistake?

The problem here is how you are both perceiving the relationship.

You are moving heaven and earth for him, and doing his laundry - you call him your DP.

He clearly sees you as a casual girlfriend.

Dump him and move on.

"However I do feel it is too soon to give up on this relationship.
Can anyone give me advise as to how I can change him?"

Do not get caught up in the "sunken costs fallacy" common to relationships; you forget here that the damage has already been done.

You cannot change someone else ever; trying to even change one of your own behaviours is hard enough.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; was your mother behaving similarly around your dad for instance?. I was also wondering how old you are as well; you seem to have no life experience behind you at all and your own ideas about adult relationships are not themselves healthy because you have set yourself up here to be subservient to him and this early on in as well.

He has been taking full advantage of your kindness and naivety. If he is like this only three months in that is very bad news indeed for you.

Time to end this relationship before you end up getting even more hurt than you are now. There is only one way for this relationship to go and that is down.

This sounds like either a massive communication breakdown or he's a total $h!£.
Have you asked him why he didn't turn up?

Like a pp I laughed at how can I change him? Please say you weren't serious.

I'm with 'gatewalker' too.
I must go and do my chores... Then I am having and a big fat

You know, we do everything for our DP and we just get treated like rubbish.

You know I'm starting to hope this is a wind up because I don't want to believe there are people out there who really think like this

If you're really not ready to pack it in yet then you need to pull back.

Go back to dating, stop picking up after him it's not your job. It comes across that you're desperate to be in a serious relationship and he really doesn't want that.

Gather up your pals have have a night with them.. Do some of your own interests and let the dating just be a pleasant part of your life.. Not the whole of it.

If you hang around it'll only get worse, you'll spend forever trying to change him and make yourself miserable in the process.
You shouldn't be with someone you want to change, you either have to accept who he is and don't complain or walk away because it doesn't work for you.

He is a selfish irresponsible unreliable well tosser is a good word. No point in carrying on with this relationship unless you want more of the same. Hope you find somebody nice soon.

How would you like to change him? Grow an extra leg, make him taller, smarter, richer, care for you more? All are outside your ability to influence.

I go out of my way to do things for him, whether it be cooking, helping to clean his flat, as well as do his washing and ironing

You haven't gone out of your way to do anything except make yourself indispensable to him and, if this is a tactic, it's clearly not worked.

Are you usually this needy? 3 months in and he should be dancing attendance on you but you've behaved like a doormat and unsurprisingly, given that he's a deeply insensitive twat, he's wiped his feet on you.

Don't bin him for not turning up for the birthday dinner you so lovingly prepared... bin him for not having the courtesy over a peiriod of days to tell you that he had no intention of missing his regular poker night with the boys*.

With regard to 'changing' him, do that exact thing by finding another guy who is more worthy of being the object of your affections and resist any temptation you may feel to become his mother - wtf is that about?

*No self-respecting poker player I know would allow themselves to get ratarsed at the table and it's far morel likely that he was 'out with the boys' - and the gals.

'We do everything for our DP'
Ummm, no we don't.