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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL "uninvites" me to funeral and wedding.

38 replies

limberlost · 19/06/2015 10:02

She phoned me before her sister's funeral to tell me I wouldn't be able to go as the food wasn't suitable for my dietary restrictions. I did go with my own food in my handbag! She didn't speak to me!
Now she has told me that she "understands" that I will not be able to go to a family wedding because of my diet. However, she expects that DH will facilitate her getting there and be her escort.
I know this is almost an AIBU. It is causing some marital disharmony as she is very possessive about DH. What can I do?

OP posts:

rockybalboa · 19/06/2015 10:04

She sounds barking! Are your dietary restrictions particularly unusual or is she just being an arse for the sake of it?

Lottiedoubtie · 19/06/2015 10:04

Whose wedding is it? If the invitation did not come from MIL and you want to go I would completely ignore her wishes!

If she is in charge of invitations I would not go and I would want DH to also not go I think.

Colabottle10 · 19/06/2015 10:05

YOU don't need to do anything.

Your DH needs to have a word with his mother and tell her to back off.

FenellaFellorick · 19/06/2015 10:05

Tell your husband to tell his mother that her behaviour is unacceptable, that you are a couple and he will not tolerate her treatment of you.

TranmereRover · 19/06/2015 10:05

wtf are your dietary requirements?
do you only eat raw unicorn or something?
Your DH needs to man up to his mother here.

Heels99 · 19/06/2015 10:06

Ignore her.
Check the hosts know you are attending and are aware of your diet needs just in case she has told them you are not going.
Do nothing further. Do not engage with her in the topic. You have no need to explain anything to her. She is not the host of the wedding and so you do not need to discuss your attendance with her. She is trying to wind you up. Ignore and have a wonderful time at the wedding.
If you have to comment say something like 'gosh you do have funny ideas mil' big smile. Move on.

FenellaFellorick · 19/06/2015 10:06

I mean, you shouldn't need to tell him to say that, he should want to, but he is the one who needs to deal with her.

momb · 19/06/2015 10:07

Is she the host of the wedding? Have you been invited and she is presuming you won't go or has she actually prevented you being invited?

...and what are your dietary requirements that a normal host could not accommodate them? I honestly can't think of any that could not be provided for.

She sounds as if she wants your DH to herself and is using your dietary needs as an excuse to exclude you. You did the right thing by bowling up to the funeral. Without a wedding invitation will be more tricky though.

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot · 19/06/2015 10:07

I'm afraid this is the classic "not a MIL problem but a DH problem".

What does HE say? Why didn't he intervene after the funeral issue?

Pedestriana · 19/06/2015 10:07

I assume she didn't invite you to the family wedding in the first place? Presumably you had an invite from bride and groom? Just go. None of her business what you eat. And maybe ask your DH to have a word?

ememem84 · 19/06/2015 10:08

strange...

am curious re the dietary restrictions. If the wedding is catered, and the B&G know about your diet, then surely any good catered should be able to accommodate?

unless you are one of those weirdoes who only eats crickets-

saying that, I don't know how old you are, or how long you've had said dieter requirements (and am assuming for medical reasons) so you've obviously survived this far with leaving the house etc...

MIL IBU. unless its her wedding. and then maybe she can uninvite you...but even then....still ryde

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2015 10:08

Its not you, its her. She likely has a myriad of issues, none of which you have caused.

Is your DH her only sibling?.

DH is key here. What has your DH said about her actions re the funeral and the family wedding?.

Presumably you've been invited to this family wedding of the couple's own accord; its nothing to do with his mother.

He certainly needs to speak to his mother but whether or not he can be strong enough when facing her is another matter entirely. Some men do completely roll over and let the wife take all the flak when it comes to his mother.

Original poster

limberlost · 19/06/2015 10:16

I do have food allergies. It is BIL who is getting married in another country. The invitation will come from him.

I actually think she is doing it in order to have DH as her escort at these events.
BIL was taking her to the funeral with his fiancee but for days before she was phoning to tell DH that BIL's DP would be late and could he take her. Of course, he said yes. As we passed the crematorium on the way to hers we phoned and having ascertained that the DP was there we said that we would go straight to the crematorium. She was very put out and DH said he knew she wanted him to go on his own and take her.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 19/06/2015 10:21

Then it's down to your husband to say no mum, this is my wife and she is coming and I am with her. Your attempts to exclude her are not acceptable.
If he won't do that, he's the problem. He's not a 'yes mummy no mummy three bags full mummy' person I assume? He needs to tell her you are coming to family events and it's not up for discussion.

Trapper · 19/06/2015 10:27

If your dietary restrictions involve the animal being ritualistically slaughtered at the table in front of you, then she may possibly have a point. Otherwise, your DH should be stepping up.

Original poster

limberlost · 19/06/2015 11:04

His family is the type that doesn't talk about things. I think DH has found things a little uncomfortable since I discovered a nest of vipers:-)
He was very much the golden child . We lived away but came back. Big mistake!
MIL does have a lot of issues and being a very dependent personality is just one!
The wedding is in another country requiring 3-4 days travel so she feels she needs someone with her . We had agreed that as it was a 2nd wedding for both we would not be going but when his mother asked DH if he had taken time off work for it he just said that it would be difficult. Then she said she knew I couldn't go We haven't had invitations yet I don't know what BIL intends doing. I was angry that DH had fudged the issue and now he is barely speaking to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

limberlost · 19/06/2015 11:08

After she said she knew I couldn't go she carried on talking about arrangements assuming DH would be going and he didn't say any more about not going. I think she is ramping up her efforts to exclude me.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 19/06/2015 11:12

So what's your DH prepared to do? This is his shit to address.

FenellaFellorick · 19/06/2015 11:12

Well, that can only happen with your husband's cooperation.

When she says things to you like she knows you can't go, reply actually that's not correct, I can and I might.

shovetheholly · 19/06/2015 11:13

This sounds beyond dependence, OP. It's about power. It's about her showing that she is the number one influence in your DP's life, and that you are second best.

I agree with everyone who has said that this is an issue that your DH needs to sort out. He cannot benefit from being the golden child at your expense. Boundaries must be drawn, and he is the person to draw them.

Don't underestimate how difficult it will be for him to stand up to her. He may even need counselling to do it.

I would show him this thread, if I were you. The fact that everybody thinks that this is completely unreasonable behaviour may jolt him out of his fantasy world where this is 'normal'.

Original poster

limberlost · 19/06/2015 11:14

Sorry for drip feeding and the stream of consciousness but there is a long back story. Many years where I have put myself in second or should that be 100th place because I am a "nice person". But then I have started to realise what I have done to myself.

OP posts:

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 19/06/2015 11:21

OP - you haven't even had the invitations yet, so no-one has been "uninvited". No-one has been "invited" yet either.

You've already told MIL that neither you nor your DP would be going, but she's asked DP if he'd go with her to escort her.

Do you want to go, or not? If you do want to go, I think you need to tell BIL that, where you'd said you couldn't go, you now find you can. TBH It sounds as if you've changed your mind so that you can complain that DP is thinking of going without you but with his DM.

It's up to BIL and his budget as to whether he invites you and DP, just DP, or neither of you.

Isetan · 19/06/2015 16:01

Another one agreeing that this is a classic DH problem and it's his lack of boundaries that enables his mother's childish manoeuvres. Your DH has opted for the 'easy life' approach, in an effort to avoid his mother giving him grief and that takes priority of your feelings.

There's absolutely nothing you can do but detach from his toxic relationship with his mother and accept that your H enables his mother's shoddy treatment of you.

Original poster

limberlost · 19/06/2015 16:01

MrsLeigh we have had a save the date adressed to both of us.
BIL has sent out save the date to all the family. This includes members who for work reasons will not be able to attend.
DH has just told me that he does not want to go and he does not think his mother should go on account of her frailty.

OP posts:

chairmeoh · 19/06/2015 16:07

Is she too frail to travel alone?

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