MIL "uninvites" me to funeral and wedding.

[limberlost]

She phoned me before her sister's funeral to tell me I wouldn't be able to go as the food wasn't suitable for my dietary restrictions. I did go with my own food in my handbag! She didn't speak to me!
Now she has told me that she "understands" that I will not be able to go to a family wedding because of my diet. However, she expects that DH will facilitate her getting there and be her escort.
I know this is almost an AIBU. It is causing some marital disharmony as she is very possessive about DH. What can I do?

"Oh MIL, we're in the same boat. I can't go because of my diet, and you can't go because you're too frail!"

Isetan, how do I do that? I have had so many years of it albeit diluted by living away. It is only recently that I have become more aware of how things are. I feel cross with myself for letting it happen.

Pedestriana, I will be trying to use that! Thank you.

You didn't let anything happen because you are not responsible for the dysfunctional relationship between your H and his mother. Fortunately for you, distance lessened your exposure to this bullshit but that has now changed and so you're going to have to adapt or it will drive you crazy. Let your H deal with his mother but make it clear that his 'anything for an easy life' approach better not impact you or your family negatively.

Isetan, when we moved back he started visiting her every Saturday evening. This became set in stone and even when I was working full time, so Saturday was my only really free evening, he insisted on doing it.. When I told him my colleagues said it wasn't right he just said he wasn't interested in what they said. He expects me to go with him although I do feel I act as a buffer for him.

She acts the sweet old lady and only myself and 2 of my daughters see it. My son is quite detached and my other daughters live abroad

You get very blunt with him.

'I'm not prepared to be excluded from our family, and I'm even less prepared to stay married to someone so pathetic and un-husbandly that they allow it to happen.

'Find some self-respect and tell your mother that you are a husband and have a family of your own, and you expect that to be acknowledged.

'I want the Saturday evenings to stop. I don't plan to go any more. If you do, I'm going to start making arrangements to socialise myself without you - it seems like I might have to start doing that a lot more if you're going to allow your mother to insult and exclude me...'

'The other options are: we move away again, or I expect that eventually I will be making plans to move on without you. I don't expect I'll be able to put up with having a little kow-towed boy as a husband for much longer, anyway.'

Albanians, I think I have reached that point and have said nearly exactly the same. It is hard to work out how to socialize on my own on Saturday evenings. I have managed to organise it that we call in at other times so it is not a regular pattern.

You cannot prevent him from visiting his mother every Saturday but do not under any circumstances get guilted into becoming his buffer.

The truth of the matter is your H doesn't care about your opinions or feelings when it comes to his mother's or his behaviour. It's very telling that you opted to tell him that your colleagues thought he was being out of order and not that you thought he was being out of order. Proximity to MIL may have escalated his selfishness but I can't believe it's a new characteristic.

Your options are 1) detach and leave him to it but making it very clear where your boundaries are with regards to his behaviour or 2) keep plugging away in a futile attempt to get him to see the light. I do not recommend #2 because your self esteem will only plummet.

Stop asking 'why can't he see how his behaviour hurts me?' and start asking 'why the fuck do I put up with it?'

I would be becoming very very impatient at his inability to step up and support you. And I'd say that: 'This is your chance. If you choose not to then I know that you may never be able to and I can't carry on being devalued in that way'

MIL is really clutching at straws with the whole 'you can't go anywhere because you have food allergies' thing. Does she think you're The Boy In the Bubble ffs??

This is a problem that your DH has made worse by fudging and he should stick up for you but if after x years on the planet he's still whipped by his mother you're in trouble.

Try the "haha MIL, you are a card! You and your little jokes!" pretend-you-think-she's-joking routine and if you can't diffuse her scheming that way you may have to be blunt and say you don't mind her borrowing your husband the way Cilla Black borrows Christopher Biggins but as she's going to a family event - herfamily event - she'll know everyone there and there's no need for her to behave like a shy debutante at her first ball.

You could always say,
"If I can't go to that funeral, never mind,
But I am so looking forward to going to yours!"

Sorry Sylvanians auto correct!!!
Frances I love that idea!
Isetan you are right in fact my self esteem is pretty low but I always try to keep it up.
Things are not great here.

Thank you to everyone who has offered advice. Some of it is what I know and yet it still comes as a shock to see it written down.

He is not a bad husband, he is vacuuming as I post. I honestly believe that moving away is the only answer but that would mean leaving our ADD son here who is only just beginning to get his life in order. It may be that when DH retires in a year or so it will be easier to move.
I have said that when he retires we will go on a lengthy trip to visit our daughters and perhaps be able then to look at how life is going to be.
No doubt we will have the Saturday visit today. It may be the crunch point.