MIL "uninvites" me to funeral and wedding.

[limberlost]

She phoned me before her sister's funeral to tell me I wouldn't be able to go as the food wasn't suitable for my dietary restrictions. I did go with my own food in my handbag! She didn't speak to me!
Now she has told me that she "understands" that I will not be able to go to a family wedding because of my diet. However, she expects that DH will facilitate her getting there and be her escort.
I know this is almost an AIBU. It is causing some marital disharmony as she is very possessive about DH. What can I do?

[limberlost]

Sorry Sylvanians auto correct!!!
Frances I love that idea!
Isetan you are right in fact my self esteem is pretty low but I always try to keep it up.
Things are not great here.
Thank you to everyone who has offered advice. Some of it is what I know and yet it still comes as a shock to see it written down.
He is not a bad husband, he is vacuuming as I post. I honestly believe that moving away is the only answer but that would mean leaving our ADD son here who is only just beginning to get his life in order. It may be that when DH retires in a year or so it will be easier to move.
I have said that when he retires we will go on a lengthy trip to visit our daughters and perhaps be able then to look at how life is going to be.
No doubt we will have the Saturday visit today. It may be the crunch point.

[FrancesNiadova]

You could always say,
"If I can't go to that funeral, never mind,
But I am so looking forward to going to yours!"

[DownTownAbbey]

MIL is really clutching at straws with the whole 'you can't go anywhere because you have food allergies' thing. Does she think you're The Boy In the Bubble ffs??

This is a problem that your DH has made worse by fudging and he should stick up for you but if after x years on the planet he's still whipped by his mother you're in trouble.

Try the "haha MIL, you are a card! You and your little jokes!" pretend-you-think-she's-joking routine and if you can't diffuse her scheming that way you may have to be blunt and say you don't mind her borrowing your husband the way Cilla Black borrows Christopher Biggins but as she's going to a family event - herfamily event - she'll know everyone there and there's no need for her to behave like a shy debutante at her first ball.

[Yarp]

I would be becoming very very impatient at his inability to step up and support you. And I'd say that: 'This is your chance. If you choose not to then I know that you may never be able to and I can't carry on being devalued in that way'

[Isetan]

You cannot prevent him from visiting his mother every Saturday but do not under any circumstances get guilted into becoming his buffer.

The truth of the matter is your H doesn't care about your opinions or feelings when it comes to his mother's or his behaviour. It's very telling that you opted to tell him that your colleagues thought he was being out of order and not that you thought he was being out of order. Proximity to MIL may have escalated his selfishness but I can't believe it's a new characteristic.

Your options are 1) detach and leave him to it but making it very clear where your boundaries are with regards to his behaviour or 2) keep plugging away in a futile attempt to get him to see the light. I do not recommend #2 because your self esteem will only plummet.

Stop asking 'why can't he see how his behaviour hurts me?' and start asking 'why the fuck do I put up with it?'

[limberlost]

Albanians, I think I have reached that point and have said nearly exactly the same. It is hard to work out how to socialize on my own on Saturday evenings. I have managed to organise it that we call in at other times so it is not a regular pattern.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

You get very blunt with him.

'I'm not prepared to be excluded from our family, and I'm even less prepared to stay married to someone so pathetic and un-husbandly that they allow it to happen.

'Find some self-respect and tell your mother that you are a husband and have a family of your own, and you expect that to be acknowledged.

'I want the Saturday evenings to stop. I don't plan to go any more. If you do, I'm going to start making arrangements to socialise myself without you - it seems like I might have to start doing that a lot more if you're going to allow your mother to insult and exclude me...'

'The other options are: we move away again, or I expect that eventually I will be making plans to move on without you. I don't expect I'll be able to put up with having a little kow-towed boy as a husband for much longer, anyway.'

[limberlost]

She acts the sweet old lady and only myself and 2 of my daughters see it. My son is quite detached and my other daughters live abroad

[limberlost]

Isetan, when we moved back he started visiting her every Saturday evening. This became set in stone and even when I was working full time, so Saturday was my only really free evening, he insisted on doing it.. When I told him my colleagues said it wasn't right he just said he wasn't interested in what they said. He expects me to go with him although I do feel I act as a buffer for him.

[Isetan]

You didn't let anything happen because you are not responsible for the dysfunctional relationship between your H and his mother. Fortunately for you, distance lessened your exposure to this bullshit but that has now changed and so you're going to have to adapt or it will drive you crazy. Let your H deal with his mother but make it clear that his 'anything for an easy life' approach better not impact you or your family negatively.

[limberlost]

Pedestriana, I will be trying to use that! Thank you.

[limberlost]

Isetan, how do I do that? I have had so many years of it albeit diluted by living away. It is only recently that I have become more aware of how things are. I feel cross with myself for letting it happen.

[Pedestriana]

"Oh MIL, we're in the same boat. I can't go because of my diet, and you can't go because you're too frail!"

[chairmeoh]

Is she too frail to travel alone?

[limberlost]

MrsLeigh we have had a save the date adressed to both of us.
BIL has sent out save the date to all the family. This includes members who for work reasons will not be able to attend.
DH has just told me that he does not want to go and he does not think his mother should go on account of her frailty.

[Isetan]

Another one agreeing that this is a classic DH problem and it's his lack of boundaries that enables his mother's childish manoeuvres. Your DH has opted for the 'easy life' approach, in an effort to avoid his mother giving him grief and that takes priority of your feelings.

There's absolutely nothing you can do but detach from his toxic relationship with his mother and accept that your H enables his mother's shoddy treatment of you.

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

OP - you haven't even had the invitations yet, so no-one has been "uninvited". No-one has been "invited" yet either.

You've already told MIL that neither you nor your DP would be going, but she's asked DP if he'd go with her to escort her.

Do you want to go, or not? If you do want to go, I think you need to tell BIL that, where you'd said you couldn't go, you now find you can. TBH It sounds as if you've changed your mind so that you can complain that DP is thinking of going without you but with his DM.

It's up to BIL and his budget as to whether he invites you and DP, just DP, or neither of you.

[limberlost]

Sorry for drip feeding and the stream of consciousness but there is a long back story. Many years where I have put myself in second or should that be 100th place because I am a "nice person". But then I have started to realise what I have done to myself.

[shovetheholly]

This sounds beyond dependence, OP. It's about power. It's about her showing that she is the number one influence in your DP's life, and that you are second best.

I agree with everyone who has said that this is an issue that your DH needs to sort out. He cannot benefit from being the golden child at your expense. Boundaries must be drawn, and he is the person to draw them.

Don't underestimate how difficult it will be for him to stand up to her. He may even need counselling to do it.

I would show him this thread, if I were you. The fact that everybody thinks that this is completely unreasonable behaviour may jolt him out of his fantasy world where this is 'normal'.

[FenellaFellorick]

Well, that can only happen with your husband's cooperation.

When she says things to you like she knows you can't go, reply actually that's not correct, I can and I might.

[Joysmum]

So what's your DH prepared to do? This is his shit to address.

[limberlost]

After she said she knew I couldn't go she carried on talking about arrangements assuming DH would be going and he didn't say any more about not going. I think she is ramping up her efforts to exclude me.

[limberlost]

His family is the type that doesn't talk about things. I think DH has found things a little uncomfortable since I discovered a nest of vipers:-)
He was very much the golden child . We lived away but came back. Big mistake!
MIL does have a lot of issues and being a very dependent personality is just one!
The wedding is in another country requiring 3-4 days travel so she feels she needs someone with her . We had agreed that as it was a 2nd wedding for both we would not be going but when his mother asked DH if he had taken time off work for it he just said that it would be difficult. Then she said she knew I couldn't go We haven't had invitations yet I don't know what BIL intends doing. I was angry that DH had fudged the issue and now he is barely speaking to me.

[Trapper]

If your dietary restrictions involve the animal being ritualistically slaughtered at the table in front of you, then she may possibly have a point. Otherwise, your DH should be stepping up.

[FenellaFellorick]

Then it's down to your husband to say no mum, this is my wife and she is coming and I am with her. Your attempts to exclude her are not acceptable.
If he won't do that, he's the problem. He's not a 'yes mummy no mummy three bags full mummy' person I assume? He needs to tell her you are coming to family events and it's not up for discussion.