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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Here we go again....

72 replies

BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:02

DP of 2 years has had three inappropriate text/Facebook relationships.
Don't think they were physical, didn't go very far other than flirting/sexting and I found out because he's not good with covering tracks. Lots of tears - mine - and angst ridden apologies every time and we carry on.
Found more Facebook messages tonight, with the most recent one. Who is 20 years younger and has already been warned off by me. I will be contacting her fiancé - who she loves dearly going by her Facebook - but I don't know whether to keep my powder dry for now, and wait until the texts/messages increase. Also don't know how, or if, to approach it with him. He'll accuse me of snooping - which I was - and will call it a day without giving me a chance to say anything or defend myself. Then the apologies will come, I'll forgive him, keep on checking and a few months down the road we'll be here again
I know I should break up with him, but I don't want to. DCs off to Uni, and I want the company. And I do love him, and think he genuinely feels something for me, but he has huge MH issues and I keep blaming them and hoping that, in time, he'll change
I know what I should do, but can't. And would like to hear the thoughts of others, because I'm fed up of my own. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Steben · 18/06/2015 23:03

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Chillyegg · 18/06/2015 23:10

LTB
Sorry but he will keep doing it!
And if you leave him theres a very big chance you will meet someone much nicer, don't let loneliness keep you with this berk. You deserve much more.

Donatello68 · 18/06/2015 23:13

You do deserve much better. I really don't think that he will change.

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:15

Thank you chilly and I know, but don't seem to have it in me to do that. Ridiculous - I'm responsible for over 80 people and work and generally regarded as a 'high achiever' so can't believe I'm so crap at relationships.

OP posts:
Purpleboa · 18/06/2015 23:16

Not sure calling OP a muppet is terribly helpful!

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But yes, I have to agree chances are he will keep on doing it. Do you have close friends and family in real life who could support you in RL? Get what you're saying about wanting company, but there are many other options out there which don't involve a messed up partner getting his pathetic jollies with much younger fools on social media. You can be strong, you are worth more than this!

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:18

Donatello I don't want to say it but I think you are right. But I would miss him so much. The good times are really good. Absolutely everyone I know is in a relationship, I want that companionship. I'm too old to start again, think this is last chance saloon for me.

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Theoldcauliflower · 18/06/2015 23:19

It's your chance to go now the doc are off to uni! He may have mh problems but it's no excuse, he's an adult and knows right from wrong!
Grow some balls and tell him to fuck right off!!

DragonsCanHop · 18/06/2015 23:20

Charming steb Hmm

2 year relationship and 4 bad experiences, that's one every 6 months... And your own DC are grown and doing their own thing.

What would you say to them if they posted what you have?

Sorry but he has no respect for you and you deserve so much more.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/06/2015 23:21

If you want company get a pet, rent the dcs' room(s) out on a short term basis, or find a local pub that has a 'community' vibe - ladies darts night/quiz nights etc

momtothree · 18/06/2015 23:21

If you think that, then he knows it, and he gets away with it. Is he spending your money on these girls?

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:22

Thank you purple - don't know what the PP who called me a muppet was trying to achieve. I do have close friends, but all are in relationships and look on me as something of a charity case I feel. They know me as tough, strong, capable Betty, it's just not in me to admit weakness.

OP posts:
LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 18/06/2015 23:22

You deserve better than this OP. Flowers

Hope you can find the strength to leave him - there might be someone amazing out there but you'll never know while you're wasting time on this loser. Or you might surprise yourself and create a full fun and happy life without a man in it.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 18/06/2015 23:24

You are only two years older than when you embarked on this relationship. Smile You can do this!

travertine · 18/06/2015 23:25

It's horrible, my partner did this too just to boost his ego apparently. And he was terrified that we might be over. That was last year and it's fine. I still worry but he is I believe not doing it now, you've found out that he has done it not just once but twice more. Why do you talk of 'keeping your powder dry' when you've soaked your powder cos you won't do anything once he says sorry. You've said you don't want to leave him so the other option is to turn a blind eye.

glitteryflange · 18/06/2015 23:26

Get a dog. Much more loyal and smell nicer.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/06/2015 23:27

Book yourself on a singles holiday clate September/October when the dcs are at uni.

The world is your lobster oyster. You'll be footloose and fancy free and don't make the mistake of believing that no-one you know who's ostensibly cosily coupled up won't be green with envy at the opportunities available to you.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/06/2015 23:29

The advantage of having a dog is that you'll get to know other dog owners, many of whom will be single Grin

DragonsCanHop · 18/06/2015 23:30

Do you have peace of mind?

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:31

I know, you're all right. I don't want to turn a blind eye but that seems like the path of least resistance now. DCs are twins, have been my life since my marriage broke down, and can't contemplate losing them and my relationship in quick succession. I do need to grow a pair, and if it was my girls in this position I'd be horrified. I know there's no respect for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:34

No dragon - no peace of mind at all. Hoped against hope I wouldn't find any evidence but always knew deep down I would.

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 18/06/2015 23:36

Sad it is so hard, isn't it.

I understand where you are coming from in regards of thinking about everyone else but yourself.

I wonder if it will eat us up in the end

Do you have a friend you can lean on?

LadyBlaBlah · 18/06/2015 23:36

Totally flogging a dead horse

How old are you? There is no age you should lower yourself to this shit actually so it's irrelevant what you answer.

This admitting to weakness thing? Erm, it's much much weaker to stay with a loser than be a doormat.

LadyBlaBlah · 18/06/2015 23:37
  • much weaker to stay and be a doormat than leave a loser
goddessofsmallthings · 18/06/2015 23:37

Bin him now and you'll be able to enjoy the summer with your girls and make plans to get dog/book a singles holiday/start online dating after they've gone off to uni - which, I might add, is not as if they're going to the other side of the world forever as they'll be back for weekends and holidays.

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:45

I'm 47. Thank you so much everyone. At the moment I really do think I might be able to do this. Seeing him tomorrow night, and will work myself up to finishing things
Thank you so much for what you've said. I guess I always knew, was just hoping it wouldn't work out this way.
Dragon I think it will eat us up in the end, I know I've changed and not for the better. I need to stop the rot now.

OP posts: