Here we go again....

[BettyTheHippo]

DP of 2 years has had three inappropriate text/Facebook relationships.
Don't think they were physical, didn't go very far other than flirting/sexting and I found out because he's not good with covering tracks. Lots of tears - mine - and angst ridden apologies every time and we carry on.
Found more Facebook messages tonight, with the most recent one. Who is 20 years younger and has already been warned off by me. I will be contacting her fiancé - who she loves dearly going by her Facebook - but I don't know whether to keep my powder dry for now, and wait until the texts/messages increase. Also don't know how, or if, to approach it with him. He'll accuse me of snooping - which I was - and will call it a day without giving me a chance to say anything or defend myself. Then the apologies will come, I'll forgive him, keep on checking and a few months down the road we'll be here again
I know I should break up with him, but I don't want to. DCs off to Uni, and I want the company. And I do love him, and think he genuinely feels something for me, but he has huge MH issues and I keep blaming them and hoping that, in time, he'll change
I know what I should do, but can't. And would like to hear the thoughts of others, because I'm fed up of my own. Thanks for reading.

Men like this person you're currently with (and soon to be hopefully dumped) like supposedly strong women (but with little to no self worth and saving/rescuer tendencies) like you to take down to their level. He saw that within you and exploited that for all its worth. That's what he has done to you emotionally as well as rape you. You've minimised all that he has done to you.

Look too at what you learnt about relationships when growing up. What did you learn?.

You need to work on rebuilding you and completely reign in those rescuer and saving tendencies. I also think you need to read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of those behaviours fit in with you. You I think have no idea at all what a mutually loving relationship is. I do not think anyone ever bothered to show you what that is so you really had nothing to go on. Counselling would also be advisable.

Womens Aid Freedom Programme is a necessity for you now. You cannot afford to teach your now adult children such damaging relationship lessons; they probably wonder why on earth you have been with this person at all. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

Was your ex H very similar in nature?. It would not surprise me if he was. You went from one abuser type to yet another abuser type.

"I know I should break up with him, but I don't want to. DCs off to Uni, and I want the company. And I do love him, and think he genuinely feels something for me, but he has huge MH issues and I keep blaming them and hoping that, in time, he'll change"

All the above are appalling reasons to stay within this non relationship, saying that you do not want to is selling your own self short. Why are you so willing to do that to you?. I think you learnt some highly damaging lessons on relationships when you were growing up/

Abusers are not nasty all the time; they can do the nice/nasty cycle very well but its a continuous one.

Hope you dump him for good this evening.

aussiemum you sound like me. I always chose the broken toys from jumble sales as a child, I've had pets literally on their last legs, if there was a cake with no cherry on the top I wanted it. There's clearly a pattern here.
Even at work I'm the same - the first to volunteer for the hardest project and I've just taken a notoriously difficult team member into my team, which will cause major issues, yet it was my choice.

This all started in childhood with you; someone taught you how to be co-dependent along with putting your own needs last. Who taught you to value your own self so poorly?. This needs sorting OP and now as well, seeing a therapist to unravel all this would be an excellent idea. You will likely carry on making the same mistakes over and over otherwise.

Fuck me! 47!? I thought you were mid sixties from your first few posts.

Life is just beginning for you in many ways, kids off your hands and all that wonderful freedom to explore and do what the heck you like. Loads of women and indeed MNers and indeed me would love to be in your shoes.

But I hope none of us would settle for this appalling abuse from a partner of two years standing. It strikes me that if he's messaging women half his age then your daughters are not safe around him. That's a deeply unpleasant thought.

Please ditch this utter disgusting twat, and embrace this most prized stage of your life.

Then come back and make us all envious as hell. Because we will be.

I've been thinking about what you all said, and this afternoon I feel a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe this isn't it, life doesn't necessarily have to be over, or confined to this man, when my DDs leave home.
Not sure where I'm going or when but small steps and I hopefully will be in a happier place
Thanks for all your time and support.

With your daughters away you'll have more opportunities than ever before OP

Please cancel his visit tomorrow. You can't be with a man who rapes you.

He has nothing but contempt for you.

You have not lost your girls, you have given them the confidence to spread their wings, they will come back to you.

Exactly what hissy said.

Your life isn't over, you're just going to be moving into a new exciting phase of it and there is no room in that life for anyone who doesn't cherish you and appreciate just how amazing you are!

You are not a charity case. Your friends - real friends - love you for who you are. And zero relationship is better than the one you have, by the look of it. Is your self-esteem really better with all this shit than without it?

You've only been with him 2 years, which is not a huge amount of time and he has given you a lot of grief in that period. Nobody will think better of you because you have a 'partner', but they might think better of you if you have the strength to bin him because he's such a twat.

If you don't, then you will spend your life warning off the women -as if that is a solution - rather than dealing with the actual problem. Him.

Sorry - posted after only seeing page 1. It is obviously more serious than FB and texts. Sounds horrific OP. Hope you find the strength to get him out of your life. You are worth a hell of a lot more than this.

Destie I'd have knocked on the door or rang then hotel security if I'd heard that.

OP I hope you find the strength to leave him. You can never find someone better while you're with him.. Things can only get better without him, even if it doesn't feel like it initially.

I thought the same honeyroar how dreadful for that poor woman that no one helped her.

Betty,
I'm in my early 60s and just over 2 years ago dumped a cheating exploitative man. I thought that we had a good relationship - as I had my blinkers on and failed to realise just how much I gave and how little he gave. It's depressing to realise how little I wanted for myself and how much I was prepared to let him get away with.
Now, although I'm by myself, I have my self respect back. I have cultivated a small group of friends and a small business once I retired from a busy job.
I dodged a bullet! I no longer have to hide my own needs and pander to his. The fear of being alone can feel huge - but compared with pandering to the needs of a selfish unkind and awful man - I'm liberated! You could be too.

Betty you are a lovely kind person.

Unfortunately this has led you to try to see the good in a very bad person. What you have said is deeply disturbing, he's sexually abusive in multiple ways. You poor thing, please please just tell him not to come around again ever and get away.

As for being 47 (!) this is not old. I am sure you may not want another relationship, but I have several relatives who went on to find love in their 50's and 60's and even older.

I don't suggest that for you right now, your life will be immeasurably improved if you don't have this guy sexting other women and abusing you by ignoring you when you say no:(

You do have a good future out there ahead of you, you have an interesting successful career, lovely children and can find new friends and even a new partner if you want, but please don't put up with this any longer, you are worth so much more and he isn't worth one more second of your life.

I know how scary the prospect is of life on your own after dc (my youngest goes to uni this year too). I'm 52 this year and don't consider my life over. I'm feeling very positive about singledom and being free to please myself in what I do now and wondering if youngest will stay at uni

I promise you, once you dump this abusive bastard you will feel much more able to face the future with some strength and even a bit of enthusiasm. It is HIM who is the problem. HE is the one grinding down your confidence and sapping all the joy de vivre from your days.

I think contacting one of the lovely support workers at Womens Aid might help you to get that initial strength together to fuck that waste of space right off.

This is a good book about enjoying singledom

Also, perhaps not now, but when you are in a happier place, consider what Hissy and Attila are saying, they are wise words.

It's taken me ten days - with his apologies and reassurances, followed by yet more texts messages to the OW - but I've finally left. A string of statements about how bad I am in all areas of my life apparently, followed by complete lack of interest in whether I left or not
I don't even know if those of you who posted will ever see this, but as I stood in his house and weighed up if I should leave or not I though of all your comments and that pushed me on
I know you are all right, but God, it really hurts. The the tears are flowing now and I just want to be with him again - please give me the strength I need to get through this x

Well done for getting out. Now if you keep posting, the wise women of MN will help you stay out and build a much happier future - one that you deserve. Of course you are crying now, you are grieving for what might have been. But not with this man. He didn't value you are respect you.

Well done Betty, be strong. He is the one with the problem and you know it.

I would wholeheartedly recommend that you read the book suggested by bunchoffives, it changed my whole outlook on life. Good luck.

Well done Betty you are so worth so much more

Well done Betty!!!

I wish I'd seen this yesterday so I could have delivered a written high-five then

It is hard to leave someone, but it's also hard going to the dentist: you know that the situation can't stagnate or you'll suffer more in the long run, but bloody hell it hurts!