Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Here we go again....

72 replies

BettyTheHippo · 18/06/2015 23:02

DP of 2 years has had three inappropriate text/Facebook relationships.
Don't think they were physical, didn't go very far other than flirting/sexting and I found out because he's not good with covering tracks. Lots of tears - mine - and angst ridden apologies every time and we carry on.
Found more Facebook messages tonight, with the most recent one. Who is 20 years younger and has already been warned off by me. I will be contacting her fiancé - who she loves dearly going by her Facebook - but I don't know whether to keep my powder dry for now, and wait until the texts/messages increase. Also don't know how, or if, to approach it with him. He'll accuse me of snooping - which I was - and will call it a day without giving me a chance to say anything or defend myself. Then the apologies will come, I'll forgive him, keep on checking and a few months down the road we'll be here again
I know I should break up with him, but I don't want to. DCs off to Uni, and I want the company. And I do love him, and think he genuinely feels something for me, but he has huge MH issues and I keep blaming them and hoping that, in time, he'll change
I know what I should do, but can't. And would like to hear the thoughts of others, because I'm fed up of my own. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 18/06/2015 23:52

How much time has actually been really happy? How much time has been spent feeling suspicious, upset, lonely and sad?
I cannot see that the good days balance the bad and these are supposed to be the fun years.
Is starting over really worse than looking at his fb messages to another woman?

glitteryflange · 19/06/2015 00:50

Live your life OP. For you now.

MamaMotherMummy · 19/06/2015 01:08

Betty nearly every time on this forum I end up encouraging people to sort it out and stay together, but today I can't. You deserve so much better. It would be better to be alone than to tolerate such disrespect.

What are your passions? What do you really live for? Cause it should be a whole lot more than this person who isn't ready for commitment.

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 19/06/2015 01:29

I live for my girls. They are my whole world. Although not a perfect relationship I thought it would be better than night after night, weekend after weekend on my own with my memories of when my girls were young. My life stretches ahead of me, and it's very bleak. I do not want another relationship ever, I did my absolute all in this one. I sorted out his paperwork, gave advice to his DCs, cooked, cleaned and was on his side through thick and thin.
There were no flowers, no chocolates, no little surprises - nothing.
There was nothing else to give. I did everything I could and he treated me so badly - I've not even mentioned the violent sex sometimes, even afterI had asked him to stop. So if someone like this doesn't want me I can't seriously believe anyone else will. Counting off the days until my DDs come home are the only dates for me now.

OP posts:
TheEponymousGrub · 19/06/2015 01:53

Say what? 'Violent sex' was this guy, or your ex husband?? Tell me you're not thinking of putting up with infidelity from a rapist? You will do a million times better than that, if you want to!
And you're only 47! I thought 'too old' must mean 60something. Sure it was only 2 years ago you started this relationship.
Seriously you have got to get rid! You will do far far better!!!!!!

...and apols if I have misunderstood your last post

TheEponymousGrub · 19/06/2015 02:10

Maybe you've gone to bed OP but I just wanted to add that if you see your life stretching ahead of you then do you want this user in it for all that time? Surely better without?

And if he ditches you in the future, how bad would that feel? Wouldn't that be Worse, in say 2more years, than ditching him now and regaining some of your own power?

I'm afraid I sound bossy and oh-it's-so-easy but I want to give you a shake and a tight invigorating hug. You deserve better than this guy!!!

goddessofsmallthings · 19/06/2015 02:47

Aw jeez, Betty, with your talent for --melo-drama you'll have no problem filling your empty nights treading the boards at your local amdram group - now put the violin away or you'll have me in tears Grin

At a very conservative estimate there are at least 1 million decent and honourable men in this world who would give their eye-teeth to have a woman like you in their lives and the fact is that at least half a dozen of what you may think are a rare breed are living within a 2-mile radius of your home.

However, mindful of the fact that you 'don't want another relationship ever', I'm not going to suggest you become one of the regulars at a friendly local, check out Meetup/other community events. or embark on online dating.

However, as your girls are unlikely to be happy that you're spending lonely night after lonely night counting the days until they come home, I am going to suggest that you join the WI and get a cat so you'll have company while you're jam/cake making, crafting, and knitting a shedload of tiny garments for those future dgcs who will adore hearing you reminisce about when their dms were young.

SallyMcgally · 19/06/2015 03:02

You don't sound like a charity case OP ; you sound great and I bet that's how your friends see you. And you deserve better. Thanks

newstart15 · 19/06/2015 07:42

Break away from this man and do some work on yourself.You need to feel you deserve better.There really is time for you to meet someone else but you have to be single for that to happen.

Create the space in your life for a new relationship by ending this dysfunctional one.Focus on you and build your self esteem and you'look be surprised at the good people thato come into your life.

Steben · 19/06/2015 19:58

I'm very sorry I was flippant OP - see my message wAs deleted, I should have put it more sensitively but please don't be a mug for your own sakes and your children's.

glitteryflange · 19/06/2015 20:11

OP your DD's would want their DM to be happy.

You don't have to keep up appearances for anyone.

X

RandomMess · 19/06/2015 20:15

Could you speak to WomansAid about doing the Freedom Programme for some reason you think that is all you're worth - a man who treats you with zero respect Sad.

pocketsaviour · 19/06/2015 20:20

Betty, it seems you are getting nothing from this relationship, while giving practically everything of yourself.

Please tell this horrible creep where to get off. If you do want to settle down with someone again, all the time you're with this douchebag, you're not going to find a decent man!

Sack him off, and I agree with a PP that the Freedom Programme could help you look at why you let this go on for so long, believing it was better than nothing. Flowers

Vivacia · 19/06/2015 20:37

your talent for --melo-drama you'll have no problem filling your empty nights treading the boards at your local amdram group - now put the violin away or you'll have me in tears

A woman discloses that she was raped and that's your response?

DragonsCanHop · 19/06/2015 23:25

I agree with looking into the freedom programme.

He has really eroded your self worth, look forward to your DC and time for yourself.

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 20/06/2015 06:18

Thank you. I will look into the Freedom Programme. I need something to help - I know the relationship is unhealthy but can't seem to summon up the strength to leave
He is very into rough sex and I enjoy it too, and I do encourage it to a certain extent. But he gets so carried away, it's like he's possessed. Last weekend was awful, I was crying and begging him to stop but he just wouldn't. And it wasn't the 'normal' way either, if you know what I mean
But I seem to have amazing - and misplaced - powers of forgiveness because when he acknowledged he had been a 'bit intense' I just agreed and left it at that
I know I must sound like a complete idiot, I hate myself for it, I really do.
Your support is amazing.

OP posts:
MixedMessages · 20/06/2015 06:31

goddess I really hope you just didn't read betty's post properly Shock Angry

betty please leave. What do you enjoy doing? Surely nothing is better than this hideous relationship you're currently in

MixedMessages · 20/06/2015 06:33

Any man who has sex with a woman who is crying and begging him to stop is a rapist. Please get away from him

LadyPlumpington · 20/06/2015 06:45

Betty my aunt met her 3rd husband aged 53 and married him 2 years later. They are very happy together! Age is no barrier.

It's not a case of you not being good enough, it's a case of him being an unpleasant and disrespectful human being. Please, please break up - you may not believe it but you do deserve better. Flowers

Original poster
BettyTheHippo · 20/06/2015 06:46

You are all right.
Reading my posts and your comments - most of them anyway - make me realise how wrong this is - why is my major concern some inappropriate texts?
You are giving me good advice, I just need the strength to follow through.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 20/06/2015 07:38

This is so much worse than a few sexts with some random women on fb, isn't it? Your post about the sex is really disturbing Sad

You need to get out of it and get a bit more into your life.

I plan on having the most fun when my dcs leave home, not considering it all to have ended!

Oh and nothing like yours, but in the last 2 yrs I've had 2 short relationships that I've ended because the men were dicks. (Most recent was last weekend).

I'm 40 and last night I got 'chatted up' by a man who was 31. 31!!!

You are better than this man.

Vivacia · 20/06/2015 07:53

Yor "life stretches bleak ahead" if you stay with this man.

FolkGirl · 20/06/2015 07:59

Tbh you should have dumped him without a backward glance when he didn't stop and you were crying and asking him to. That's horrific. He raped you.

Having a man is not the be all and end all.

I know a woman who only feels validated when she has a bf. She's so scared of being single (she thinks single woman have failed because no man wants them) that she not only scrapes the bottom of the barrel, but lifts it up to see what is festering underneath.

What would you children think if they knew you were being treated like this?

Aussiemum78 · 20/06/2015 08:03

You and your daughters aren't safe with this man, please don't stay.

He is a rapist. He will get worse.

You, my darling are a rescuer. A giver. A high achiever. I have those tendencies myself. I'm also really hard on myself. You deserve better.

deste · 20/06/2015 08:16

We spent a night in a hotel abroad next to a woman who was sobbing and begging the man to stop hurting her during sex. It was the worst night of my life, believe me, I still can't get it out of my head. He put the tv on at high volume and I still heard it. Five years on, I wonder how she is and if she is still suffering or if she is still even alive. He is not into rough sex for no reason, he hates woman and it will only get worse.