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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

81yr old mum and "free cleaner"

58 replies

Snowflower01 · 18/06/2015 09:12

Am I and my sister being over suspicious with the relationship being formed between my 81yr old mum and her Eastern European 35 yr old cleaner.? She cleans for mum for a minimum of 2 hours every Saturday and does this for free. She is not CRB checked and came in as a complete stranger last October. Introduced by a young Polish woman who has disappeared completely.
We know nothing about her. She has befriended my mum beyond belief and has free run of the house. The girl's partner is now coming round and they have keys to my mum's allotment, where they are doing all the picking and watering for free too. The partner works in a sandwich factory, early shifts and he then is meeting my mum after work on the allotment, which my mum no longer can manage.
My dad has dementia and is 90, so really not aware of this being strange.
She calls my mum all the time for chats and is the perfect companion.
She claims to have a full time job, but so much of her free time is contact with my elderly mum.

Are we being over suspicious.???

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 18/06/2015 09:18

No, you're not, but your Mum is probably happy to have the contact, and doesn't want to look at the negative side.

Do you have power of attorney? If not, could you see if there is any record of the new people, and their history?

Isn't it awful that we would all be very suspicious of this situation, when they are probably making your Mum's life happier at the moment.

NickiFury · 18/06/2015 09:21

What has her being Eastern European got to do with it? Plenty of English people on the make too if that's what you're implying.

Are you around much? Have you met her? Made your presence known.

I would be worried too, but I would try to find out more. If your parents are struggling then this could be a mutually beneficial thing, but I think you do have to find out more and keep an eye on things.

chocolateyay · 18/06/2015 09:23

Be suspicious. I'd they were coming though the church or an elderly befriending scheme then that wouldn't be concerning. I've known elderly men being 'befirended' by cleaning ladies who 'need' kids uni fees, a flat bought...

nozzz · 18/06/2015 09:27

On the information provided I would be very concerned - how exactly were they introduced to your mother?

sebsmummy1 · 18/06/2015 09:29

Yep I would be extremely concerned too. The elderly are pray for all manner of unscrupulous people whether they be English, Eastern European, internet and phone scammers, even charities!! What are you concerned about primarily?

DeidreChambersWhatACoincidence · 18/06/2015 09:30

You should def find out more. Does this person know you know about her? I would be making myself visible.

My elderly aunt was 'befriended' by an individual in a very trustworthy position and the outcome was not good. Not everyone has an ulterior motive of course but you are quite right to be watchful.

bikeandrun · 18/06/2015 09:31

Spend a bit of time getting to know this woman, if she is genuine she would be happy to see you getting more involved in your mums life, if she is up to no good she will realise you are aware of what she is up to and might back off a bit!

This is a really tricky one, could be a really genuine person, who feels quite lonely in a new country, maybe missing their own mum or someone with less than honourable intentions

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2015 09:31

How did this woman who has now disappeared introduce herself to your mother?. If this is as part of a befriending scheme then the people running it should be made aware.

Some people unfortunately do hone in on the vulnerable and take full advantage of their situation. These people (particular the man) have a lot more power and control than they should have; boundaries are being completely overstepped here and your parents are likely being taken advantage of.

Vivacia · 18/06/2015 09:34

Your mum may be being taken advantage of, but alternatively she may be getting company and happy to do so. Why isn't she paying for the cleaning and gardening? Perhaps it's in exchange for her estate when she dies?

CocktailQueen · 18/06/2015 09:35

Agree with the others. Could just be someone being v nice; but could equally be a scam to get your mum to trust them then steal from her/make her give them money. I'd be suspicious - sorry. I'd make yourself known - go down when she's next there, talk to her, ask how she knows your mum, find out as much as you can about them.

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 18/06/2015 09:40

Apologies for mentioning the nationality. But would a CRB check be worth anything if a foreign national hasn't been in the UK very long.?? My own mum was a migrant in the 1950s, but not from the same country as cleaner.
My mother walked into a local Eastern European grocers shop and asked the staff if they knew any cleaners. My 81 yr old mum had never ever been in the shop before, but assumed that they would know someone who would clean for her.

OP posts:
antimatter · 18/06/2015 09:47

yes, I believe via CRB they check all addresses (including foreign one's), it takes considerably longer though

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2015 09:48

"My mother walked into a local Eastern European grocers shop and asked the staff if they knew any cleaners"

She did what?. And what was your response at the time to her doing that?.

It sounds like your parents need urgent Social Services involvement, what is their GP like?. Does your dad get outside support from his GP or any dementia charities or have these two people been basically left to get on with it because they themselves do not want outside help?.

antimatter · 18/06/2015 09:48

do you live too far to get to know that couple?

DeidreChambersWhatACoincidence · 18/06/2015 09:52

I wouldn't 100% trust a crb either. The person involved with my aunt was someone employed in a position of trust involving finance and didn't have a criminal history.

Newbrummie · 18/06/2015 09:53

So day to day how involved are you in their lives ? I'm not sure you can butt in unless you are prepared to take over the cleaning etc yourself.

however · 18/06/2015 09:56

I Would absolutely not trust them and I would contact them and tell them to back off, or I would phone the police.

There is maybe a 1% chance that their motives are altruistic, and that's being generous.

Trust me, I've been there. Dad is thousands poorer for it. Thousands.

SavoyCabbage · 18/06/2015 09:57

I would ask around your friends to see if anyone has a summer dress she could borrow.

SavoyCabbage · 18/06/2015 09:57

Sorry, wrong thread....

CocktailQueen · 18/06/2015 10:32

"My mother walked into a local Eastern European grocers shop and asked the staff if they knew any cleaners"

What??? That's really worrying. What was your reaction?

How far away do you live, how often do you see them, how involved are you in their everyday life, what social services help do they get?

If your dad has dementia, he could be eligible for attendance allowance, which would pay for a CRB-checked, reputable carer.

I'm sure your parents are lovely, but really, what would a young woman get out of spending so much time with your mum? Why would she do that? What else does she have in her life?

MatildaTheCat · 18/06/2015 11:44

I recommend calling Age UK for advice. Assuming the worst this sort of thing is very common. Have a very frank chat with your mum about boundaries, ie you, as her daughter should be dealing/ helping with anything legal or financial. Cleaning for no payment is not normal IMO.

Do you or siblings have Power of Attorney? Even if you dm is able to make decisions at the moment it's much easier to set up whilst that is the case. Try to ensure all legal and financial documents are under lock and key (as they should be anyway).

Vivacia · 18/06/2015 12:13

I think we need to know how close OP is to her parents' house and how often she sees them.

Dead · 18/06/2015 12:36

Take a look at this link.

www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/relationships-and-family/protecting-yourself/what-is-elder-abuse/

I am pleased that you have started this thread and that the response has been unanimous to be cautious/suspicious and to take safeguarding/preventative action....as we are in a similar situation with MIL - although she is emotionally quite volatile and an alcoholic - so would erupt if we insinuated anything other that the young couple across the road were anything other than enraptured with her company .... she dishes out cash to them all the time - recently £500 for a potted tree that the male had helped himself to from his gardening job -- £40 to take her to the garden centre around the corner etc....

We live near by and are involved managing her health and shopping on a daily basis - but we both work full time and have 4 kids to raise so there is a lot of time for the 'grooming" to go on....if the man is there when we drop by he leaves immediately with no eye contact...why is a 23 year old guy and his gf in and out of the home of a 77 year old alcoholic on a regular basis?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/06/2015 12:52

It might be all genuine kindness but it's as well to step forward now. This couple have had since last October to get cosy with your parents.

I would be over to your parents' house before this Saturday with your DSis and talk to your DM face to face. I would certainly want to meet this stranger myself. Maybe get a nice snap of her with your DM.