81yr old mum and "free cleaner"

[Snowflower01]

Am I and my sister being over suspicious with the relationship being formed between my 81yr old mum and her Eastern European 35 yr old cleaner.? She cleans for mum for a minimum of 2 hours every Saturday and does this for free. She is not CRB checked and came in as a complete stranger last October. Introduced by a young Polish woman who has disappeared completely.
We know nothing about her. She has befriended my mum beyond belief and has free run of the house. The girl's partner is now coming round and they have keys to my mum's allotment, where they are doing all the picking and watering for free too. The partner works in a sandwich factory, early shifts and he then is meeting my mum after work on the allotment, which my mum no longer can manage.
My dad has dementia and is 90, so really not aware of this being strange.
She calls my mum all the time for chats and is the perfect companion.
She claims to have a full time job, but so much of her free time is contact with my elderly mum.

Are we being over suspicious.???

My mother walked into a local Eastern European grocers shop and asked the staff if they knew any cleaners. My 81 yr old mum had never ever been in the shop before, but assumed that they would know someone who would clean for her.

This bit of information put a completely different slant on your situation for me. Prior to disclosing how your mum met the woman it sounded as if someone had just turned up at her door out of the blue when it was your mum who initiated contact.

Ive no idea if the couple are kosher so to speak but having Romanian in laws means Im not surprised your young couple like digging the allotment as its such a way of life there and in the rest of Eastern Europe, and Im not surprised either that they can pass the time with your elderly relatives as everyone seems to have an elderly granny or grandad living with them there.

Maybe try and chat to the young bloke the next time you see him. He might be feeling shy so he leaves. In fact I dont know how you can visit your parents and not pass the time of day with people who are already there.

Granted whats going on may be dodgy but I think its equally as likely they area nice couple earning a few extra bob and helping out on the allotment because its what they do at home. Maybe they help out in return for the fresh veg.

Only you will know what to do next.

There is no such thing as a perfect companion; especially not one who appears out of the blue, to two vulnerable elderly people, having been introduced by a third party who has now disappeared.

In the same way that I do not believe in charming, amazing, completely perfect partners who suddenly appear in people's lives, I do not believe this tale of incredibly helpful strangers who are just being nice because they feel like it.

There are too many kindnesses and favours being done, along with free run of the house. Too much time and effort is being expended; we all might help our neighbours, but this is exceptional. Trust is being gained, incrementally, with a growing sense of obligation along with it.

Have a word with Age UK, or someone like that, to start with. See what they think. Perhaps it is innocent, a tale of kindness misunderstood, but it would be devastating if not.

Snowflower

Just to let you know a friend of a friend was in a not exactly the same but not dissimilar situation.

The "cleaner" persuaded the granny to give her her cashpoint card as it was easier than the disabled granny getting out to go to the cashpoint.

Guess what happened?

The cleaner was siphoning off £10 at a time - and no one noticed. They were all lucky it was caught before she decided to take out the max per day.

Check that there is no cashpoint access going on here.

No there is something very wrong with this. I'd phone up Age UK and ask for their advice on how to deal with this. Something must be done as a matter of urgency.

Social Services (emergency call in) came in this morning and weren't impressed, but reality is that this can't be stopped.
Age UK coming next Tuesday.
Mum agreed to me taking all paperwork to sort through & actually located all the original Power of Attorney certified copies and originals. So l will have access to everything. Sister will too.
Just hope mum remains aware of circumstances, as she refuses to believe any bad. Sincerely hope she is not being groomed.
Incredible how quickly people can sneak into an old persons life.
Thank you for all of your comments.

try this website
www.elderabuse.org.uk/

It would be lovely if they were genuine but someone genuine would not move so fast. I've asked my neighbour in her 90's if she wants me to get her a pint of milk when we were snowed in and gave her daughter my phone number in case she couldn't reach her mother and wanted me to go round and check. I would be VERY reluctant to have keys! This has all happened too fast and gone too far. And cleaning for free??? Offering to put the bins out is one thing, this has red flags all over it.

I am interested in the role of the "disappeared" contact. Perhaps she/he is busy elsewhere introducing more free cleaners to vulnerable elderly people.

What, vulnerable elderly people who approach her for cleaners?

OP I wish you'd answer the question as to how often you visit your mum.

Why the fuck are you letting this happen? You're mum and dad are very elderly and you should be protecting them. Get yourself down there, question the 'cleaner' , find out whats going on. If you don't step in this will end very badly.

I am close by, but the whole thing has been kept secret. I work and mum would have found it easy to hide. I rarely go to the allotment, so would never have known about the partner. Cleaner goes on a Saturday morning. Regardless of me going at the same time, the cleaner would send text messages & emails will continue to be sent to mum. I have to accept that she has befriended an old lady and hope that my mum makes sensible decisions, if requests for cash are made or if anything suspicious occurs. Or hope that mum shares any issues with me or my sister.

If there's anything untoward going on, they'll be frightened off by lots of family around. They'd move on to easier pickings.

I feel bad for your parents if they are lonely and you scare off the two constant and supportive friends they have.

There are genuine kind people

However, there are also unkind people too & scams !

I would be very wary

There is a difference between neighbours who help compared to complete strangers

Some people are completely trusting often to their own detriment

If your parents can no longer manage the allotment and if you do not want it. I would suggest officially transfer to the "new friends" if they are interested. One less thing to worry about.

I would suggest if your parents wish to keep the cleaner that a proper paid contract is drawn up

Do not give anyone PIN for any type of cash card

There are official UK charities that can arrange befriending services where the volunteers are trained & CRB checked before being allowed into a persons house or for phone befriending

To those who think that if the couple had been introduced through her church they would be less likely to be crooked, my relative has Alzheimer's and was groomed by an ultra religious group connected to her RC church. Within months they had persuaded her to change her will leaving them hundreds of thousands of pounds. As soon as she did this they dropped her completely.

It may be that the couple are getting money but the mum may think this a reasonable arrangement in exchange for some company.

Just had a call from MIL - she said that the window cleaner had borrowed £30 off her a few months back and had not been back since - he is also our window cleaner and I thought it odd that he had not come here for ages despite spotting is van in the village a few days ago. MIL had also given him money to buy dog food for his dog every time he came. I know where he lives - should I cal the police or just door step him and ask for money back?

That sounds really dodgy, and if your mom is happy with the situation that makes it even harder for you.

I just want to add my 2 cents about something though-I actually clean for my neighbor - I vacuum and wash floors, sometimes give the bathroom a good scrub. Sometimes I pick up her shopping. I only do what she is unable to do due to her age, only once a month or so with the cleaning, and I've known her for several years. I expect absolutely nothing, I just have the time and I think it's nice to help out an older person (but I do worry at times her not-nearby family or other neighbors will think I have ulterior motives). This IS diffferent from your situation I know... I suppose if they're strangers doing it so often there must be some kind of payoff :(

Well, to be honest, if she is cleaning her house once a week, perhaps it would be better if there was an arrangement to pay her (with your involvement). The problem is that an informal arrangement is precisely the kind of thing that then creates guilt etc. It would not be unreasonable for them to ask for money, would it? I don't see that as a sign of abuse at this stage, if she was looking for a cleaner. Are you absolutely sure they pay nothing, it sounds very odd to advertise for a cleaner and then someone come for free? Perhaps your mum has not told the truth, fearing your reaction.

The problem here is that the cleaning and the allotment do need work, so if these people aren't paid and you think it's dodgy, you need to remove them but it doesn't negate the need to get the work done. I don't find it particularly odd that these people are helping out, if they were being paid or paid in kind with vegetables.

It may be relevant they are from EE, because there is no real state care system there for most old people and so helping out/payment in kind is more normal. My MIL's sister had a carer live in her home for free in exchange for care. This is a very normal arrangement there, because people cannot afford expensive old people's homes and so bartering/small amounts of care which is cheap at home is pretty standard.

As someone else said, if you start going around quite a bit and being chatty and friendly to them but very present, if they are dodgy, they will disappear. I would just be very present, keep the power of attorney stuff handy so they know there's no possibility of rewards in wills and it may just be that they could help your parents stay in their homes.

If you get the state to get people to come in, they come in for as little as 20 min a day (that's what my 92 year old neighbour gets, 20 minutes for a full wake up, shower and get dressed) and this leaves a huge gap in care into which nice and not so nice people can then step.

And- a lovely retired nurse has been helping a very elderly man in our family for a while now, she baths him which takes about an hour once a week, as he didn't want a carer he didn't know. She doesn't accept payment. Some people are very good hearted, but obviously others are on the make. The more you can be there, see what's going on, the more you will be able to discern what's happening.

Some people are indeed good. And I have helped elderly allotment owners with the heavy work on their plots, with nothing other than their company and advice expected in return.

However... Please be very careful op.this happened to a relative of mine. Lived on her own, in her nineties. The children (themselves retired) visited at least once daily so the lady in question wasn't exactly neglected. A couple attached themselves to her and started doing everything for her. It was very suspicious.

One day they were caught in the act of trying to remove the deeds to the house and other documents from the elderly lady in question. We untangled the whole mess and realised that money had gone missing, money had been paid out for jobs that didn't need doing, they had access to her cash card, etc etc. she was basically being groomed. She swore blind, and still swears, that they were her 'friends'

The family had to get power of attorney - they didn't really want to do it, thought it sounded very controlling, but there was no alternative. Their gran was prey to every scammer going and was about to sign her house over to them!! So now her children have the cash card, the other documents, the deeds are in the bank, and their gran gets several carer visits a day from paid carers. As soon as the couple were told that the deeds/docs were in the bank they left and were never seen again.

There are some very dodgy people out there, please be wary. Make sure financials and key documents are locked down, and consider a power of attorney. It's much better to get it with a relative's consent when they are still just about compos mentis than to get it later on.

I am a criminal lawyer and am very sad to say I have dealt with numerous cases like this. You need to alert your local police community safety unit. If it is all innocent then great, and the only downside is you may look a little foolish; if it is not innocent you won't know anything about it until they've scarpered with a load of your mum and dad's money which will impact not just on finances but will be a massive knock to their confidence. I have been involved in cases where trust was built up then bank accounts emptied in the space of a few days. I have seen cases where people gave PIN numbers and cards to the 'helper' to go to cashpoint and thought it was ok as they bought back a receipt, but they were taking out on a separate transaction just after £200. I have dealt with cases where valuables went missing round the house which wasn't noticed by family as they checked bank accounts not for items going missing in the home. I have had cases where the address was being used so the 'helper' seemed helpful as nothing going missing but address and identity were being used to take out loans against the property fraudulently/new bank accounts opened to the address. I have also dealt with cases where prescription medicines were taken and sold. This is just what I can think off from the top of my head. Oh, and also where stolen goods were stored in the vulnerable person's garage for safe keeping. There is also the scenario where wills are changed, but I haven't personally dealt with that. Be wise and protect your parents by calling the police. Good luck.

Be very careful.
Her nationality is irrelevant, but you need to look into this further.

My dad was befriended by a local couple who offered to look after him.

He gave her his PIN to get cash out for him.

Somehow, over a couple of years, this couple managed to refurnish their house and have a couple of expensive holidays abroad. (both officially unemployed).

We discovered that the woman had previous convictions for stealing from elderly people she had cared for. She tried to get dad to sign over his home to them. Luckily we were able to prevent this.

We couldn't prove anything, but once dad went into a home and we got POA we discovered that he had nothing like the amount of money in his account than he should have had. I am convinced they took nearly all his savings.

DH's grandma recently announced she had given a man who knocked on the door and offered to mow the lawn £250 to do that and do some tidying up in the garden. PIL were shocked but she said blithely 'He said he'll clean the gutters for £200 so I've said yes to that too'. FIL does her garden and cleaned her gutters a few months ago. They can't see what he has done in the garden apart from mow the lawn. She said he was thete about an hour.
He never came back about the gutters- not yet. She is going to give him PIL phonenumbers if he returns.