24 7 with kids; my life is shit

[aroundandaroundagain]

I spend every waking hour with the children. I have 3 children five years and under. The youngest is 6 months and co-sleeps in my bed and is breastfed. I dont get a minute away from them. Even when I go to the toilet one of them always follows me up. I try take a bath and they are there coming in the bathroom or banging on the flippin door. I am on mat leave at the moment and partner is here every day as he is usually stay at home parent. He mucks in with housework during the day but has to be prompted.
Im just so sick of my life. Im 29 and i feel like im stuck in this crap and i want to scream really f $&#ing loud. He gets to pop in and out during the day to his friends and then goes out most nights to his friends house. Where as i don't have anywhere to go as I have no friends. Even if i did go out i would have to take the baby with me as shes breastfed. Its just so crap. I do the school and nursery pick up and drop offs as he doesn't drive. I feel like i have no one i can rely on. I always have to be strong and just suck it up. Hes on anti depressants and there is just no sex or hardly any. Maybe once every 5 months or so and even then its just quick and no emotion. As soon as its finished hes up and to the bathroom or downstairs. Yes there are cuddles and kisses other times so there is affection normally but the whole lack of sex is just depressing especially as i have a high sex drive. my life is depressing. I just had enough of all this shit. Don't know why im posting but i just need to rant and get it off my chest.

That sounds really hard OP. I very rarely am able to get out without the kids and don't have a wide circle of friends where I live either.

Your DP sounds like he really isn't being supportive. Can you lay down the law a bit with him and set aside some time for you to go out each week? It must be hard with a six month old but soon when she is on more solids and going longer between feeds it gets much easier.

I was in a similar position to you this time last year. I was so fed up and felt like things would never change. Now DS is a bit older though going out is really easy. Can you stick your kids in the car and take them out for the day? This did wonders for my sanity.

Have you got a sure start near you? Can you go there?

Or Google mother and toddler groups in your area?

When you are as fed up as you are getting out to these groups will be a life saver.

It will help your little ones with interaction and help you get a break from the cycle you are stuck in

Well technically you are on maternity leave, so there to look after baby. As he is stay at home parent, he should be doing the rest. That would be my argument.

Tbh, I think I would say to him that I was thinking of going back to work soon, and see if he bucks his ideas up.

Can you ask him to take on more responsibilities in the home?

Can you leave him with the baby while you do the school run? Then go out for coffee for an hour? Presume the baby is big enough to have decent gap between feeds.
The same in the evening he should be home so you can have adult company no kids or give you time to pop out for hour or two. It will get better when the baby needs you less, when are you thinking of going back to work?

I think rather than mother and toddler groups you should try and find a club or group to go to. Book club, gym, Aquafit, etc. it sounds like you need time away (hard when bf I know but not impossible) and it sounds like your partner isn't quite pulling his weight. Being with kids all the time is really hard for anyone. It makes me feel like I'm going insane. When do you go back to work?

You're 'touched out', and exhausted.
The partner needs to take the children off your hands sometimes. Why isn't that happening?
You need your 'bath time'. Even if its only 20 minutes a day on your own with no-one touching you and no-one allowed to demand your attention, its a start and it will help.
You're an experienced mum so you probably don't need me to tell you that at this stage, the baby isn't really a separate person from you. Think of her as your arm or leg - you wouldn't set off on any activity without them, but you don't find them impositions... put the baby into that category.
Where are you going? Down to the GP to get talking therapy. Not drugs (unless you want them and really think you need them, of course).
Having a regular counselling session will help you - you can talk through your situations and clarify what you really want.
I'm here in my house with my own problems and it looks to me like the partner is a bit of a cocklodger, and not a good one at that. But that's just how it looks from here. You'll be in a better position to know, when you've talked it through with an impartial listener.
Good luck.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS x

Also the kid stuff will get easier as they get older. But not sharing responsibilities fairly within the relationship and issues around sex and intimacy need addressing.

It's ridculous how little he does, isn't it?

You'd be financially better off, get more support with the children and more sex if you split up.

Thank you for your replies. To be fair to him, he does do a lot and struggles with MH so is being as supportive as he can. If I had somewhere to go in the evening then he would happily stay in but i would have to still take the baby with me as she breastfeeds on demand. She crys constantly if I take her out in the evening as she likes to be in bed. But that means i can't go anywhere as she wakes at various times and wants me and milk so if im not here shes not going to stop crying.

Last night me and DP got the two DCs to bed at 8. I took baby straight up for feed and bed. Got her to sleep at 9 and went downstairs to make something to eat as had nothing that evening. Eldest was still awake and hungry so came downstairs and had something with me. Sent DC back to bed and finished cooking the chicken for the DCs packed lunches today. DP then went out about 9:30pm after getting the uniforms and bags ready. I sat down for 10 mins and then took my make up off and brushed my teeth. By 10 the baby had woke up and wanted a feed so I went up and thought I would get an early night by going to sleep after sorting her out. Txt DP to put the chicken in fridge once he got back. Fed baby again at about 1am and then got woken at about 4:30am by middle DC who had come up to my room and was messing about under my quilts. She wakes almost every night and comes up to my room and messes about. Put her back to bed and then got woken by her again in my room at 6:00am. This woke the baby who then needed sorting out. Put DC back to her bed again and went back up to baby to feed and change. Went downstairs at 7:00am with baby and started washing up. Woke DP up about 7:30. Got both DC up at 8. DP did breakfast while i did packed lunches. We both got the kids dressed, i had 5 mins to get ready and then fed the baby before taking both DCs to school and nursery. Left baby at home with DP as it only takes 15 mins. Came back about 9:15am and have been seeing to the baby since then as shes a little poorly this morning. Had her jabs a few days ago. Yes so Im fed up as it just never stops. constantly on and on.

Go back to work. It sounds really hard.

I feel exhausted just reading about your night. It really is the worst worst time when you are up in the night so much and then have to do the school run feeling like death.

I can promise you it does get better, babies get older, they sleep through the night, you know all this stuff.

It doesn't change now, and how tired you are though. I think being honest with your partner, trying to be kind to each other (as sleep deprivation affects everything) and knowing it will pass all help.

Mine are now old enough to put themselves to bed and I wish sometimes I had a baby to cuddle (not that that helps you!)

How do the older ones get dropped to school nursery when you are at work? Do you do that too? Perhaps some driving lessons for DP are in order.

Feel so bad for you.. I've only got one, a 6 month old DS & he's BF too, so he's never left my side. But it is a shock how little time you have for yourself at the moment. I think u almost just have to make good of a bad situation like some say go to a group or something, just try to get out of the house a bit. Housework can be left to the DP. I only plan on having one, so for me it's making the most of him being small, even though I complain a lot about never having time to myself! Really hope you feel better soon, you sound like an awesome mum & your DC are blessed to have you, no matter how down & tired you are!!

It is constant. I'm still seeing to the baby and will need to go down in 10 to start lunch. Will have to ask DP to help which he will be happy to do but its the flippin asking. Will then have to pick middle DC (the one that wakes through the night) up from nursery. I then have an afternoon of naughtiness and not listening constant attention seeking to get through while taking care of the baby and trying to keep the house clean state until the next school pick up at 3:30pm. DP will do bits in between but will need prompting. Some days he does a lot of housework off his own back and other days he needs to be asked to help out.

No helpful advice really but did not want to read and run! I am a lone parent with three 8,6,4 dc. My ex is useless and left when I was 7 months pregnant with dc3. Those early days are relentless but thankfully now a bit of a blur for me now. It will get better. Might work be something to look forward to? Gets you out, around other adults, etc. Try not to think too deeply just keep in the moment otherwise it all becomes overwhelming, doesn't it? Sending you hugs.

OP I feel for you I really do. I think you need to let your DP have the children for two Saturday nights a month so you can read a book, chill out, go for a spa evening with a friend or family member, or even better on your own, go for a wander around the shops, have time for a new hobby etc just to give you some headspace!

What I am about to say will probably cause offence to many but I’m afraid I need to say it.

I don’t think I want children and its posts like this that only serve to confirm that thought deeper. I am so fed up of seeing post after post after post like this on here. For goodness sake, why do people carry on after baby no 1 if it’s that difficult?! I honestly cannot imagine the stress, money and time that 3 children would bring and need.

People really need to think before having children and if 1 is proving miserable and stressful for god’s sake don’t go having another, or another after that!!

I’m sorry, I am NOT having a go, though it may seem like it and I know this isn’t advice and doesn’t help you but it just seems to be never ending posts like this on here (I am aware it’s mumsnet so where better to vent about child related ills, but there is a difference between that and just hoardes and hordes of women posting about how they feel trapped and exhausted etc after the endless day to day drudgery and their unsupportive partners/ relationship woes) with exhausted/ fed up women who don’t have any life of their own anymore because their DC have almost sucked the joy out of life and their DP is unsupportive, there’s problems in the relationships/ marriages etc. and then 6 months later, they post to say they’re pregnant again???!

People need to choose their life partners more carefully. If you don't think someone will be a good dad and do their fair share around the house/ with the children so that you still get to be YOU and have time for yourself and an identity of your own once you have children then don't have a child with them. This isn't aimed at you OP, I am just talking in general.

Sorry, I know i'll get shot down for all of the above but it is frustrating and sad to keep seeing these type of posts.

Chocolate- create your own thread for your own rant. Don't dump it onto mine. How old are you? Life isn't black and white you know. it doesn't start off stressful. People get ill and cant do what they could before, somtimes pregnancies happen even when contraception is used. There are various different sinarios, really...you cant control everything. As someone who doesn't have children you can not begin to understand the highs and lows you go through. So take your judgemental self and go fester somewhere else. Yes i know thats harsh but the way i am feeling today, i don't care. Thanks to everyone one else who has posted.

Can you put your baby on a bottle so your partner can help out more? You have 3 kids under 5 so of course its going to be difficult and mundane.

May I suggest to chocolate that you are on the wrong site?? Why go on a parenting site if it winds you up. Also bully for you -hope everything remains so straightforward and obvious.

Anyhow op - the thing that struck me was the lack of routine for the older dc and why are you cooking chicken for packed lunches?
I have had 3 under 5. It is hard but in order to survive it with some sanity we had to be strict. That means that once in bed there was no coming down stairs and no messing in the middle of the night. Babies are another matter entirely. Sleep deprivation is deadly. So that's my twopennorth, sleep training and chess butties! Also keep asking dh. Lack of initiative isn't a get out clause.

chocolate I think the point is that having children feels different at different stages. When mine were little, I often felt overwhelmed, touched out (great phrase) and totally sucked into the 24/7 aspect of it - which if you have never experienced, you really really don't have any idea how draining and all-encompassing that is. However, now my children are a bit older, 9 and 11, and life is much easier and very much enhanced for having my children in it.

What the OP is experiencing now isn't 'having children', it's having three littlies and just feeling overwhelmed. As everyone who has been through this and out the other side will tell you, this stage passes and the utter dependence of tiny children and babies in particular is gone.

As for choosing life partners more carefully, there is a whole feminist literature written about how women in seemingly equal partnerships, all equal career in their twenties, end up reverting to a 1950's model as the first child hits.

Again, this doesn't mean it will stay like this. My husband took a year to warm up to fatherhood, he looked extremely 1950's to start with, however since then he's taken extended paternity leave, cared for the children as a SAHD and continues to pull his weight with childcare now he's back working out of the home.

Again, you have mistaken a snapshot in time for 'having children' in general. If you have issues with having children, or don't want to have them, I can see how you would make this mistake, but it's quite funny to come on a relationships board on mumsnet and declare the OP shouldn't have had this relationship or these children- how on earth does that help the OP who just wants to have a vent about the day to day grind of caring for small children!

[yes I'll be flamed] Consider giving up breastfeeding and getting the youngest into her own bed. You've done 6 months and have enough competing demands. Unleash yourself from this particular part of the burden and move on. You'll be able to get out without baby and sleep once she's used to the new routine.

Bf and co-sleeping are good but a happy mummy is better.

Cheess butties. Not sure chess ones would be very tasty.

OP do you think if your partner lived with you, that things might be easier? It's that whole sharing...you're missing out on it. When you go to the loo for instance...he's there to distract...or when you have a bath. Why isn't he living with you?