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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA relationship - taking the next scary step.

76 replies

tbtc · 01/06/2015 14:28

I've been in an increasingly EA relationship for years.
The final straw came at Xmas.
He then announced he was making plans to leave - he hasn't.
I have seen a solicitor and a letter is waiting to be sent to him at the beginning of July (a couple of reasons I needed to wait).

We own our home (no mortgage), we have savings (more in his name than mine), I am the main breadwinner and support my H. Nominally he works p/t and is SAHD but aside from childcare he provides little for his family.

He has told me it will get nasty and that he has "things on me". Solicitor told me this is the usual response from someone like that.

Anyway, that's it.

OP posts:
ovumahead · 01/06/2015 20:16

Are you looking for advice or support, or just wanting to share? Sounds to me like you've had a horrible time but are definitely doing the right thing. Well done! I'm guessing the next stage is also going to be really tough. Who's supporting you in RL?

Original poster
tbtc · 01/06/2015 22:10

Thanks for your reply. Just wanting to share really.
I have quite a few lovely people in RL supporting me.

OP posts:
ovumahead · 01/06/2015 22:44

Oh good. I'm glad to hear it. It really does sound like you're doing all the right things. Well done. Just need to keep going now!

Original poster
tbtc · 02/06/2015 16:18

He's just kicked off and really scared me. I am on verge of tears and shaking, but have to collect DS2 in 12 mins.

OP posts:
Original poster
tbtc · 02/06/2015 16:19

nb. I am safe.

OP posts:
whothehellknows · 02/06/2015 16:28

Is there somewhere else you can go while he cools down?

Original poster
tbtc · 02/06/2015 16:36

He's left the house - went to collect DS2 himself, but didn't tell me so I've just been and found him not there.

How the fuck did I end up in this sort of relationship.

OP posts:
whothehellknows · 02/06/2015 17:13

So has he got DS now?

Original poster
tbtc · 07/06/2015 19:39

Just venting.
Gave DS2 bedtime warning. Time comes around. He refuses as he's watching telly with his dad. I just can't be fucking arsed. No back up from husband. I'll just go out for a walk. Husband will put DS to bed with no shower (he's full of pollen and hair wax from hair cut yesterday). DS feels he's "won". I just spend so much of time resentful and seething.

OP posts:
tbtc20 · 19/08/2015 14:56

OP here.

Last night I told him I wanted to separate and then following the subsequent kicking off (shouting, interrupting, verbal threats) instructed the solicitor to send the letter.

I feel better for having done that, but feel so terribly anxious about what lies ahead. He has said he will not move out, but suggested I do.

WitchOfAlba · 20/08/2015 13:52

OP glad you are feeling better for having told him that. Being worried about the future is normal when it's all so up in the air.

If you were to move out would you be able to find somewhere for you and your DCs to go and would you be able to get childcare? What does your solicitor suggest that you do?

tbtc20 · 20/08/2015 14:10

Thank you Witch

I have no right to move out with the children. His suggestion is that I just leave w/o the children.

If both of us refuse to leave the family home then I don't know. I am hoping mediation (as part of the divorce process will resolve that).

He cannot support himself (I mean he does not support himself, he is fully capable of it). I can be financially independent of him. We have only one child that needs childcare and yes I can sort that out.

tbtc20 · 20/08/2015 14:16

nb there is no chance on this earth I would leave w/o the children. Just to be clear. That he thinks it's a good solution just shows how messed up he is.

WitchOfAlba · 20/08/2015 14:16

It all sounds horribly messy, I hope that the mediation process helps to work out a decent solution. Here to listen if you need to vent about the injustices of it all anyway.

Thank goodness that you are able to be financially independent from him.

Smilingforth · 21/08/2015 07:34

Good luck with the mediation process Flowers

tbtc20 · 03/09/2015 09:32

The letter is only just being sent today. The solicitor was on holiday and then I was on holiday so couldn't chase it up.

I am scared.

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 14:02

As your solicitor said, threats and bluster are par for the course for a man like this. He is seeing his nice comfortable at-home lifestyle flying out the window, and he will try anything to stop that happening.

What behaviour are you expecting from him next?

tbtc20 · 03/09/2015 15:17

I really don't know. The letter asks him to get his own solicitor.
I suspect he won't.

I am scared about the things he says he has on me. I don't have any clue at all as to what those might be, but maybe I have forgotten something.

The only possible thing I can think of is that I am not good with money. We are very secure and that is basically down to him, though I have always been the main breadwinner. It was a pay off I got that paid off our mortgage. It's a small inheritance I received which is paying the short fall in fees for our son's 6th form. I cashed in my 1/2 of some premium bonds and an ISA in my name. Not to spend on frivolous things, just life. He would have us live like paupers. I admit that I have an attitude of 'well, I work full time to support us all, so I can bloody spend it', but if I was the man people would come down very hard on me for having that attitude. All that said though...I've not done anything illegal and we are not in debt at all and no one is going without (well he is because he doesn't spend any money on himself...his choice).

One 1/2 of me says he's just messing with my head, but the above does play on my mind. Can someone reassure me that me spending savings which are in my own name is OK (not great obviously, but nothing to give anyone reason to take the kids off me)? I can't believe I'm even thinking this. I am a strong, independent woman and he has me doubting myself and scouring all my actions to see what I've done wrong.

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 16:19

Of course it is okay to spend your own money!

If you had cleaned out the joint account and spent it on handbags, that might be different :)

What has your solicitor said about residence for the DC? Do you think 50/50 would work? How old is your youngest?

tbtc20 · 03/09/2015 17:47

Thank you for reassuring me.

We haven't got as far as talking about residency. We are not in a position to create 2 homes in which the children (6 and 16) can stay, so their main residence will need to be in the current family home.

What do people actually do when they can't afford two homes - surely that must happen all the time?

The solicitor did say that the fact H barely works will be frowned upon - he will need to provide for himself a bit more (as well as for his children).

tbtc20 · 14/12/2015 14:16

OP again.
Divorce Petition (from me to him) has arrived in post today.

Things have been increasingly awful and I am scared of his reaction when he reads it.

I have been approved for mortgage in my name to buy him out of the house.
He will not go until he has to.

I spend many evenings just keeping out of his way. He is prone to shouting and slamming, not to mention the rants, threats etc. It's horrible. I'm sick with anxiety, struggling to eat, scared.

tbtc20 · 14/12/2015 14:17

He's using DS2 as a pawn and starting to use his controlling behaviour towards DS1.

tbtc20 · 15/12/2015 07:49

SadOh well.

dontcallmecis · 15/12/2015 09:54

Hi.

Stick with it. Stay calm for your boys.

Do you have family close by?

What are you doing on Christmas?

tbtc20 · 15/12/2015 11:39

Solicitor has advised me to call police.