EA relationship - taking the next scary step.

[tbtc]

I've been in an increasingly EA relationship for years.
The final straw came at Xmas.
He then announced he was making plans to leave - he hasn't.
I have seen a solicitor and a letter is waiting to be sent to him at the beginning of July (a couple of reasons I needed to wait).

We own our home (no mortgage), we have savings (more in his name than mine), I am the main breadwinner and support my H. Nominally he works p/t and is SAHD but aside from childcare he provides little for his family.

He has told me it will get nasty and that he has "things on me". Solicitor told me this is the usual response from someone like that.

Anyway, that's it.

Have you separated your finances? What do you mean Pussycat?

I submitted my nearly completed Form E to my solicitor today.
I get the Child Benefit.

It was because he sees you as "separated" - but you are not separated for the purposes of divorce law as far as I understand, partly because your finances are still joint.

When we first agreed to divorce, my Ex wanted to take the route of living apart for 2 years, then divorcing by consent. He seemed to have no practical plan for doing this though! I did a lot of reading of the Resolution site (and other divorce info) and thought there was no way I would do this without a financial settlement anyway. And if I was going to have to negotiate settlement, I might as well do divorce straight away. As far as I could see, his solution involved him living at my expense for a further two years.

It is possible to live separately under the same roof. But I think this would involve agreeing who was the main carer of DC (which is where the CB might be relevant). And each adult would be able to claim eg Tax Credits according to their circumstances (including any DC they were responsible for) as a single claimant. I think your STBX could claim Job Seekers if you were 'truly' separated.

So the route you're already going on sounds like the only practicable one, divorcing couple living under the same roof until a settlement has been agreed.

OP here, and I hope someone is around to calm me down.

I lost it a short while ago. DS2 (6) in bed, DS1 (16) watching telly in lounge with door to kitchen closed. H out for walk. I ask DS2 whether H has gone for an early walk cos there's football on later. He says yes and something in me just switched.

My time in the evening when H goes out for a walk around 9 or 9.30pm is the only time in the day I can breathe - both kids in bed or upstairs, work done, domestic stuff done.

Realising I would get that this evening just disheartened me so much I lost it. Slammed dirty things in the oven, threw things in the sink, effing and blinding under my breath, threw the hob grate thing (the cast iron thing for gas hobs) on the stone floor and it's bent. I am panicking that this is one of the things he will use against me (see my OP). DS1 would have heard.

I tried calling a friend (who knows everything) to see whether her DH could fix it, but she wasn't in (probably just as well, the request seems a bit unhinged now I write it down).

I'm more scared that he'll clock it down to my terrible temper than I am pissed off that the stupid thing doesn't fit on the hob.

I have been up since 6.15am, done 3/4 of the school runs, worked a full day, done both Beaver runs, cooked dinner, washed up, cleared up (everything in house, not just kitchen), hosted the bloody estate agent that H arranged to value the house when he knew he wouldn't be here, sorted out solicitor stuff, been for a run (thank fuck) and I just snapped. He's done barely anything aside from rile DS2 up, feed him crap and leave mess everywhere. I'm just so tense and resentful.

So, will me breaking the hob thing in rage go against me?

Tbtc20 - found you! Sending BIG HUGS - we are indeed EA sisters at the mo.

Thank you. Comfort in our shared misery, eh?

I feel really tearful. It's just so draining.

No wonder you are frazzled, with the day you've had added to everything else.

Don't worry too much about banging things about in a bit of a rage. You have every reason to feel angry, it's hard to hold this stuff in, and with him out on his walk, out it came.

If the subject of the bent hob grid comes up, you accidentally dropped it on the floor, didn't you?

Thank you silvery. Yes, we'd just had a power cut so I was clearing up after that. The thing is I do have a history of a bad temper. I don't like it, but I am human and have limits.

Off to bed now. Please let me sleep....

If he asks about the bit for the cooker,just say your hands were slippery and you dropped it when you were cleaning.If your DS wasn't in the room with you he won't have seen what happened.

Hang on in there OP,you'll be out the other side soon and life will feel like it's worth it.

But DS heard I was in a rage. Hopefully he won't mention anything.

No of course it won't go against you.

Look at your long diary list of bad stuff he has done.

One hob grate flinging on the floor won't change the balance.

He really has you terrified of your own shadow hasn't he? KOKO.

Yes. When someone is yelling in your face that they "have things on you" it really shakes your confidence.

I tense everytime he enters a room or when we are home when the kids are asleep or at school - I work full time from home and he...well, he works barely at all. I am entirely worn down.

Hi tbtc20. My stbx has said the same thing and that's he's stored evidence remotely to release when he sees fit. He's just rung now to discuss kids. Both are in pieces but he thinks they're ok. The conversion the led to we should drop the house price. I disagree as it's even more financial suicide thanks to the debt hrs got us into...I've got sooo much work to do today and I'm so behind and I'm not out of bed yet.

It really, really helps me to focus on my work. I've struggled with distraction and just feeling crap, but know that if I've done a good days work it really boosts my self-esteem.

That said....off I go!

I hope your day goes smoothly and is calm.

OP How's your day been? He's been on a charm offensive with kids - picking them up from school and stuff today (not usual) got most of my work done and kept out of his way. Kids seem bit better today. Hope it's been OK for you too xx

Thank you for asking. It was a mixed day really. I felt very low - I think when things are a little more calm, my body allows other emotions to creep in and instead of adrenaline keeping me going I just feel worn out. It is what it is.

Very bizarre visit with garage. We have a massive bill on the car (new clutch and other stuff). H's response to me asking whether he'd contribute towards the cost was to laugh in my face.

So, I talk about the bill with the garage man and he said that H has asked if it could be paid in cash so as to avoid paying VAT. I would never ask that of someone - it's not legal is it? So, H is asking about dodgy dealings when he has no intention of paying.

Went to my running club and then out for a drink with a lovely, lovely friend afterwards. Then home to do all the cleaning and tidying that H (the great SAHD...ha ha ha) didn't do.

Lots of work to do today but feeling more positive about it.

H has been using my LO as a pawn increasingly. It has broken my heart.

Well he is being an utter bastard this evening

The outreach worker from Safer Places is going to call me tomorrow afternoon.

I'm sorry he's being such a douche OP,he can probably sense that your getting stronger.I know it's hard but try and ignore the dick and just keep reminding yourself this is not forever.

Thank you. I do remind myself it's not for ever, but it is very hard to ignore him. We have a small house, I am limited in where I can go, also I DO NOT want to just leave the house because I want to be with my children.

I do try and build a wall around myself and not let him in.

I had to text the Safer Places woman to tell her H was still around so she couldn't call. Then I txt her to say he was gone, but she hasn't called me.

I was referred to them around the 8th Jan. I have called and talked to WA a couple of times, but the support of someone assigned to me will be so much better. I know I am not high priority and they are busy but I feel a bit let down. Only because I'm feeling so low and vulnerable do I feel like this, I know that, it just feels like one more thing. I've been anxious most of the day with expectation (it's hard to talk to someone openly about everything) and nothing has come of it.

Still no contact from WA.
On Friday I txt the woman who referred me to outreach to let her know I had not been contacted and to ask what I should expect.
She replied today to say someone would contact me today. Still nothing.
I feel entirely let down.
I have txt her to remove my referral as being told I'm going to be contacted and gearing myself up to talk about everything (amid trying to get on with living and my demanding job) is very stressful.
If they don't have time for me then I need to accept that and find support elsewhere.
I never asked to be referred, I just accepted (with great relief) the support that was meant to be offered to me.

I guess it's boring for MN readers as well. It shouldn't bother me to see other threads/users getting so much support but it does.
Probably best to take myself off MN.

TBTC noooo don't do that!!! I'm reading for the first time. I have no idea what you are going through.... But you sound amazing ! I'm a mum to bit with lots of SN so I'm about a lot especially at night when the little shit, he doesn't sleep !
PM me anything anytime !!!! Love and best wishes for a calm day !!!

Also reading for first time today! Stay strong!

I'm still here. Can only offer and send strength.

Any progress on the divorce front? Has your solicitor asked for financial info yet?

Thank you.

I am away for work at the moment so have some relief from the pressure at home. I have asked my solicitor not to contact me while I'm away as I can't address any issues and don't want to read potentially upsetting emails, so I've got a small break from 'checking inbox anxiety' as well.

I submitted my financial info just over a week ago and his solicitor has been informed as such and asked to provide my husband's info.

I have no idea what he is doing in this regard. Only when we this is resolved will we be able to move onto residency of the children.