EA relationship - taking the next scary step.

[tbtc]

I've been in an increasingly EA relationship for years.
The final straw came at Xmas.
He then announced he was making plans to leave - he hasn't.
I have seen a solicitor and a letter is waiting to be sent to him at the beginning of July (a couple of reasons I needed to wait).

We own our home (no mortgage), we have savings (more in his name than mine), I am the main breadwinner and support my H. Nominally he works p/t and is SAHD but aside from childcare he provides little for his family.

He has told me it will get nasty and that he has "things on me". Solicitor told me this is the usual response from someone like that.

Anyway, that's it.

I agree with your solicitor, if he is shouting, throwing things around, slamming doors, making threats - call the police. It can only strengthen your position.

What happens if he throws his toys out the pram and refuses to leave the house? Does your solicitor feel it would need to go to court to force him out?

Sorry to hear it's such a struggle, OP. Hope the police are helpful.

That's good that you have approval for a mortgage. Things will get better with the DCs when they have some space from him. In the meantime, wishing you strength to KOKO.

I have not called police, but will do if I feel scared again.

pocket If the police feel there aren't enough grounds to make him leave (this is my fear), and then the abuse continues, the solicitor said then I go to them and the fact that I tried the police is in my favour. This is what I've been told.

Thank you for your support.

Writing here, cos I won't incur more costs!

Petition was meant to be filed on the 29th.

On the 30th, I heard that he won't oppose divorce, but I had to remove one paragraph from the Petition. This info was emailed to me pretty much at close of day on the 30th and my solicitor wasn't back at work until 4th Jan. Husband had left it until the very last moment to give his response - probably late on the 29th.

I emailed her my approval to remove that paragraph on that day. Haven't heard back from her to say Petition has been filed.

It's all I can think about. I want to write and ask whether it's been filed, but am I just being hysterical? In the back of my mind I'm wondering whether some other spanner has been thrown in.

I changed solicitor in Dec because old one would leave me waiting and waiting, which doesn't suit my nature at all. I don't mind a wait, if I know about it ie I know there will be a wait once the Petition is filed.

It doesn't help that I work alone at a computer and can check my email very often.

It doesn't help that I work alone at a computer and can check my email very often.

I know the feeling!

Can you ring and ask "just checking that the petition has been filed" - if the secretary is able to check on this and notify you then hopefully won't cost anything?

How are things at home?

Well done OP, stay strong, I hope things start moving for you. I am just teetering on the brink of the start of this process, so a bit scared. Full of admiration for you - I hope I can be brave and keep on going like you. No advice really, just moral support, don't let the shouty arsy git pull you down.

I think ringing to confirm is something that the administrator should know and would expect you to ask about.

How did you cope over Christmas? You are being incredibly strong, it must be really tough.

Thank you. In the end I emailed her and she wrote write back to confirm it was filed yesterday. I won't hear anything for 2 weeks.

Things kicked off this evening (yelling, threatening, verbal abuse - all in front of the kids), so I've logged it with the non-urgent local police.

If things escalate it will be beneficial that they already have a note of events.

yet It's horrible, it truly is and what I am going through now is the reason I haven't done it before. I knew it would be like this. What's keeping me going is the amazing support I have and that a better life awaits me. I can't see it yet, but I know it's there.

boxo Xmas day itself wasn't too awful (we went to FILs, who has a massive house). The rest of the time we were mainly doing separate things with the children. I will look back and see how dysfunctional it all is, but right now it's just a case of getting through.

Bear in mind that emotional abuse is now a crime officially - keep a record and call police when needed

Keep a daily diary of all his behaviour. You think you'll remember but you won't.

Separate the bank accounts if it's in a joint name keeping bills coming out of yours. Remove any of his personal direct debits.

Mediation isn't advised if one party is abusive so talk to your solicitor and absolutely call 999 if you have to. Shouting and throwing things escalates - don't wait til you're locked in the loo terrified. Actually, maybe get a pay go phone and hide it in the bathroom if it has a lock on the door.

Your savings and house will be counted as assets and divided as such, but as you are the breadwinner then it may be different for you. Each case is different re financial settlement.

If he is sahd then be very careful you aren't asked to leave as he is primary carer and needs a home in which to do so, plus spousal maintenance. You could be the one moving out. Who does the majority of the childcare? You might want to have a word with your solicitor about that.

Be careful what you discuss with him re finances. Do not agree to anything - he's entitled to half of everything and it would be foolish to try and do this without legal help.

Keep a note of all the stuff in front of the kids too, because if cafcass get involved re contact and access they would like to know all this stuff.

My solicitor wrote a note to my exdh solicitor saying if he didn't stop behaving the way he was in front of the DC and the things he said, then access would be stopped. You could also use that as leverage to get him out - the DC shouldn't see or hear this stuff, as I'm sure you're well aware:(

Thank you lavender

Keep a daily diary of all his behaviour. You think you'll remember but you won't.

I have a document (on a laptop he doesn't use) which I write in daily.

Separate the bank accounts if it's in a joint name keeping bills coming out of yours. Remove any of his personal direct debits.

The only account we have in joint names is the one which pays all the bills. We have both used it in the past for agreed personal expenses, or taking the kids out etc, but that has stopped. When I asked my solicitor about this, he (this was when I was still with the man one) he said it's clear that I'm the only one contributing to it.

Mediation isn't advised if one party is abusive so talk to your solicitor and absolutely call 999 if you have to. Shouting and throwing things escalates - don't wait til you're locked in the loo terrified. Actually, maybe get a pay go phone and hide it in the bathroom if it has a lock on the door.

I have seen a mediator, he delayed and delayed but is seeing them later this month. In my appointment I said it wasn't worth arranging one together, as he puts all the blame on me.

Your savings and house will be counted as assets and divided as such, but as you are the breadwinner then it may be different for you. Each case is different re financial settlement.

Yes, I am concerned about this. I understand that 50:50 is the starting point.

If he is sahd then be very careful you aren't asked to leave as he is primary carer and needs a home in which to do so, plus spousal maintenance. You could be the one moving out. Who does the majority of the childcare? You might want to have a word with your solicitor about that.

This is a difficult issue, which I have discussed with my solicitor. He is arguing that he does the childcare for our younger son (6), but mostly he just plays with him and takes him out. I do the child welfare ie provide for them, take them to dentist, pretty much all school-related things, ferrying around. I do not need him in any way. I work from home and have flexibility and with the use of after school care can quite easily be a single parent. I also do pretty much all the domestic things, from grocery shopping, laundry, household admin, car stuff...etc etc. So he's not really a SAHD, more like a nanny. He denies all this of course.

Be careful what you discuss with him re finances. Do not agree to anything - he's entitled to half of everything and it would be foolish to try and do this without legal help.

We do not discuss anything like this, not in a civilised manner anyway. He has kicked off and reeled off all manner of demands (full custody of younger son, spousal support, me having to drive little one all over the place to be with him). I haven't responded (just sat and sobbed actually), but kept notes and informed my solicitor.

The thing is, until recently and despite him generally being useless around the home, I've never disputed him being a good dad and have never indicated I would want to keep the children from him. Never.

The boys love him and he does good things with them. I cried when I recently came across him and DS2 talking about The Lion, Witch and Wardrobe that they're reading together. I have never wanted him to not have that.

nb I also play with the kids! I do wish I had more time to do so, but what with working full time and running a house, well I don't get that luxury.

Hi, I just wanted to say i went through all this nearly three years ago now. I I would reiterate what someone else said about mediation. If you feel he has been abusive then tell the mediator this and they can issue a document which exempts you from having to mediate with him. Secondly, I just wanted to say you will get there in the end, and it is so worth it. Good luck.

Thank you, that's useful to know - about the document I mean.

Hearing positive stories from women who have been through this is very encouraging.

Good god, the police just turned up at the door (11pm). I had NO idea me calling them would result in a door step visit. They wanted to speak to us both, I refused. Husband is (thank fuck) in the garden office. DS (16) was pottering around upstairs.

Told them I was not in danger and could they go, but they wouldn't until I gave them all details.

I am not in physical danger and I am coping with the EA. Him knowing I've called police would not help. At all.

I called the police this morning to clarify what the procedure was and to ask why I wasn't told that they would follow up by phone and in person (maybe just in person cos I didn't answer the call?).

They confirm that I should have been told and asked whether I wanted to file a complaint.

I asked them to reassure me they won't just turn up again.

I understand that they need to follow up on all incidents, but they also need to trust me when I say I do not feel I'm in physical danger and that I don't want them to drop by. Or maybe that just raises a flag.

The police should have told you on the phone although I think most people would assume they'll come out. It's a domestic abuse case so I would think it would be negligent if they didn't. Their role isn't to record things to help your case but to intervene to protect and investigate. I can also understand why they were reluctant to walk away, they had no guarantee that your husband wasn't threatening you or telling you that you had to tell them to go.

The police turning up should reassure you! They probably thought your dh was forcing you not say anything- and the fact you thought you dh would be really angry says it all really - you were worried about that.

The police came to see me when I called and discussed my worries ( on advice of my lawyer ) I have never had any contact with police and these burly officers made me feel so rubbish- all me not them, btw- I couldn't quite believe this was happening to me. They were lovely, checked the house, garden for possible security problems, chatted to the DC, and petted the puppy. And put me on a security watch, even though ex dh was alledgly abroad.

The only thing they said that scared me was when I asked what to do if attacked and they said call 999. I said " what whilst being attacked?!" And they said in al seriousness that it was amazing what people could manage under duress and to keep an emergency mobile in the bathroom, and to get a proper lock on its door. Ancient old doors I didn't want to drill through:(

They also said v kindly that the biggest mistake people made was thinking it wouldn't happen to them.

Q. I told the head we were separating and that things were difficult at home. That's all. She was lovely and said she would be discreet. I've just got a parentmail message asking me to confirm the change of status from Mrs.

Should I have expected the admin staff to be told?

With my whole life in turmoil, it just really upset me to think they have been told and they're like "oooo, we'll change her name". I am still married, I still wear my rings and I want to be in control of these things.

There are no safeguarding issues and I have not been made aware of any issues with DS2 and school.

Update (in case anyone saw this).
It was an unfortunately timed IT update.

Found you from the EA support thread.

I had one of these, in that he contributed very little in terms of work, money, household stuff. It took me till kids were grown and I was 59 to realise that my life would be better if I divorced. We lived in the same house for the year it took from me going to sol, to divorce/settlement and him moving out, but he was nasty rather than shouty or aggressive. A very stressful year, but life since then has been so much better.

MN - in particular the EA thread - was a godsend to me. You can do this. One day at a time.

My financial circumstances were a bit different to the usual, so I can't be too much help on that. Ex self represented, which was a pain. He took forever to reply to sol letters (I saw my first offer lying unopened in the hall for 3 days) but this was all to the good, as it gave me more thinking time.

I gather that it seems you will now have to sell the house? Do not talk to him about this (although make a mental note of any give-aways re his thinking he may reveal by what he says.)

Thank you.
It's a year since he said (and then did nothing) that he regarded us as separated. In his world me supporting him and being like the Nanny to DS2 and being separated suits him well and I am being entirely selfish in not wanting the same.

The last couple of months have been the worst.

He leaves solicitor post sitting around for days and day before opening.

I won't talk to him about anything. I did tell him before that I could buy him out. In fact I asked him whether he agreed to that. No response. Seems it's fine for him to not respond to me, yet he gives me less than a day (then I get texts, post it notes etc) to respond to anything he asks.

I called Women's Aid. They were lovely and I have a local number to call for some real life support from someone outside of friends and family.

Have you separated your finances? And who gets the Child Benefit?

I wanted to keep the house, he wanted to sell it. Childish as it may seem (but you will understand) I was on housework strike for the year (I did keep things hygienic), he didn't do much anyway, and carried on not doing much! But wouldn't you think if someone wanted to sell up, they would do something towards getting it ready to put on the market?