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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bored and lonely as usual on a bank hol

32 replies

Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 19:52

DH never seems to want to do stuff as a family, and as I'd arranged something - which he knew about and had set the time etc - he's in a right old mood now we've got home, and not talking to me. The alternative is to stay in while he does his hobby, and then sleeps half the day.

I just wanted to spend a bit of the day with another family (all the kids are mates, and he knows and likes the parents) but we as usual had to do everything at breakneck speed to suit him, and he just looked grumpy the whole time.

It's rare for us to do things now because it always ends up like this.
And FB is full of pics of folk I know having BH fun.
Someone slap me for feeling miserable .....

OP posts:
peppajay · 25/05/2015 20:20

Just wanted to let u know u are not alone my hubby will avoid spending time with us at all costs - would far rather do his hobby than be with his wife and kids. If he does do stuff with us he just ends up getting stressed - we aren't really a family anymore. Don't have any advice really - just wanted to let u know you are not alone. Have avoided FB today for that very reason. Big hugs!!!

Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 20:31

Thanks, Peppa - feeling very teary and a bit of a loner, as I don't have many friends, and my family live far away. Me being upset solves nothing with him. I'm likely to have the silent treatment for a couple of days, if past experiences are anything to go by. Just got to keep going till it's over and nice DH returns

OP posts:
luckiestgirlintheworld · 25/05/2015 20:36

I feel really sorry for you. I had a partner like this once. I sometimes have nightmares where we're back together and I'm so relieved when I wake up and realise I got rid of him and found lovely DH. I'm not trying to be smug, I suppose I'm just saying you don't have to settle for someone who isn't considerate of your feelings like that.

Chottie · 25/05/2015 20:37

This is so sad - sending you both a hug and hoping your OHs will realise just how much they are missing out on.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/05/2015 20:50

If this is how family outings usually turn out why do you stay with him include him in your plans?

Wouldn't be better to have fun times out with your dcs while leaving him to moulder in his pit? At least any photos you take won't have his mug glowering at the camera and you'll run less risk of fatigue caused by having to do everything at "breakneck speed".

And please stop eating your heart out over jolly pix on FB; the chances are those smiling faces were unrecognisable during the rows which ensued after the event.

MadeMan · 25/05/2015 20:51

"The alternative is to stay in while he does his hobby..."

"...would far rather do his hobby than be with his wife and kids."

What are these hobbies? Not more cycling, is it?

Heyho111 · 25/05/2015 20:54

That's horrid ! How does he answer when you ask him why he dislikes spending time as a family so much.

I would start having family fun without him. But also if his hobby takes up space in your house I would start growing about it. Just make him see what's it like.

pootlebug · 25/05/2015 21:32

Why is the alternative to stay in while he does his hobby? Can you go out somewhere fun while he does his hobby - just you and the kids? It sounds like you might have a much more fun day than if he came along, tbh.

Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 21:33

MadeMan how did you guess? A full day on a normal weekend, plus several weekends away every year....not including a week too.
Not sure the kids would like to go out without him - they adore him, I do too most of the time.
But when he gets moody it's so difficult. I've tried lots of strategies over the years but nothing works when he's like this.
He even made a fuss about a FB pic I put up of him.... I took it down because he didn't like how he looked. Bah.

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 25/05/2015 21:35

Have a hug!! Know how you are feeling, working away for two weeks so thought it would be nice to do something today... He agreed discussed things to do etc... At 12 his best mate came round to watch the test cricket. I left at half 12 when train was at 5 as was going to completely crack and lose it otherwise. Only text I've got it telling me they won.
Livid!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 21:40

lastqueen thanks for hug. DH still giving me silent treatment. I feel wobbly. Seems like a me a couple of us have been shelved by our beloveds today. You lovely MNers are giving me strength to accept I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Stoneysilence · 25/05/2015 21:50

Gah yes I just made the mistake of scrolling through my Facebook feed - everyone is having a wonderful time being polished and beautiful and happy in exotic locations (and Brighton). Highlight of my day was a new plant in the garden.

Sunshine200 · 25/05/2015 21:51

Glad I'm not the only one too (but of course sorry for you at the same time). My dh seems to find any excuss not to spend time with us, if not his hobby then something that urgently needs doing in the house on a nice sunny Saturday when there has been lots of other opportunities! I know its not actually me, but the dc he doesn't want to spend time with - too selfish & lazy to make an effort! Ok, maybe I have exaggerated (or maybe not) but that's what it feels like.

Can your dh include your dc in his hobby?

Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 21:52

I hope the new plant flourishes! I go and look for new leaves on plants most days (or signs I've killed em!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 21:55

sunshine cycle trips are on average 50 miles with a group, and sometimes up to 85 miles, so no, DC can't join in. I'm glad he takes care of himself though.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 25/05/2015 21:55

"MadeMan how did you guess?"

It just seems that every middle aged man I know now gets into cycling at the weekends, even after working all week; I blame the 2012 Olympics. I personally can't see the attraction in getting up at some bastard early hour to do a 50km bike run when I can have a lie in, a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea instead.

Each to their own I suppose.

lastqueenofscotland · 25/05/2015 22:01

Hussars I feel your pain!
What is it with men, done to let wives/partners/kids down but date mention having to say no to their bloody mates....

I'd sit down and say cyclingn is fine but every other week only, other week you have the kids and I'm going to do something I enjoy.
I have a hobby that I hardly ever let anything get in the way of and it's much easier once those boundaries are there IMO.

Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 22:15

I know - I always felt that he is an adult and shouldn't have to ask permission to do stuff, but it seems I've grown a bit of a monster because he does what he wants. Most of the time it's ok.

He's definitely getting more moodier the older he gets. Initially I was attracted to his level mood, which is in contrast to my family, where it was like looking out for land mines all the time. I just seem to lack strategies - have tried waiting it out, challenging him, waiting for the mood to be over - nothing seems effective so far. ??

OP posts:
chocolatedrops31 · 25/05/2015 22:15

My DH also doesn't like doing family trips out and partic not to see friends. I've tried to accept that this is who he is and I take the children on my own. Although I feel a bit miserable that he doesn't want to join in, I have a better time than when he's there and I constantly feel like he's not having a good time and wants to leave. I bet the kids could accept it if you could and then maybe he could compromise a bit more I.e spend more time as a family at home doing activities or couple time in the evenings. I'm trying (although it's hard) to accept DH for who he is and not try and fit him into my ideas of how he should be. Not saying you're doing that and I totally feel for you on the silent treatment..I find that unbearable

sconequeen · 25/05/2015 22:58

I speak from (bitter) experience here. Some time ago, I made a conscious decision no longer to feed/reward bad behaviour (ie DH spoiling outings by visibly not wanting to be there, then acting in the huff afterwards) by pandering to it. (I suppose a more charitable way of putting it might be that I no longer try to change him into somebody he is not.)

Instead, I organise to do things with the DC myself. I tell DH what we are planning and that he is welcome to come with us. If he doesn't want to come with us, we go off ourselves and have a lovely time - as opposed to walking on eggshells because he is with us but grudging the time, money etc.

It is not ideal but the DC and I very much enjoy our outings. Given a choice of including DH and us all being miserable, or the DC and I doing our own thing and having a great time, there is really only one choice.

Original poster
Hussarsataparty · 25/05/2015 23:15

Thanks scone - I know - I should really do this too. I just keep hoping for strong family memories but so far they will be of him being in a mood. I'd rather not give the kids those memories but I keep trying to do SOMETHING we will all enjoy. He's asleep now, snoring away next to me Sad

OP posts:
MotherFluffer · 25/05/2015 23:27

there's a lot of miserable bastard men out there isn't there? my stepdad was one of them, I thought he was unusual :( I know the walking on eggshells and sucking up all the fun into the gloomvacuum thing well!

Baconontomato · 25/05/2015 23:48

Men and hobbies can be perplexing. My ex was a cricketer. I see your cycling, and raise you cricket. Nets Thursday and early Friday, match ALL FUCKING DAY Saturday, Cup match ALL FUCKING DAY Sunday and Bank Holidays. Away games roll home God knows what time, pissed. Home games, slob about club house pissed, home for shit shower and shave, gobble down dinner, back out for Last Pint. "And a proper bird would do the cricket teas with the ladies."
It is no surprise that one year the ENTIRE first team was divorced.

newnamesamegame · 25/05/2015 23:55

For what it's worth I kicked my H out a month ago and this was the single biggest factor.

All my weekends were like this. My H didn't even have a hobby, it was just the pub and TV. I just got to a point where I thought there was absolutely no point being with someone who resented spending time with me and our daughter.

Sorry you are going through this and sorry to be harsh but life is just too short.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 25/05/2015 23:59

Hi OP, the way I see it you have one of three choices:

  1. Keep quiet, Keep the status quo and keep doing this same dance for the next X number of years which makes you miserable!
  2. Invite him knowing full well he won't come and go off and enjoy your family time without him.
  3. Don't invite him. Simply go out with your children and have fun (when he looks at pix in 20 years time, he'll then wonder why he isn't in any of the pix?)

Options 2 & 3 requires you to accept that he is the way he is and you let him be.

There is the 4th option, which is to LTB, but that's because I've been single forever and have zero tolerance for BS, so anyone who doesn't enhance my life in a positive meaningful way needs to be left on the shelf.

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