Bored and lonely as usual on a bank hol

[Hussarsataparty]

DH never seems to want to do stuff as a family, and as I'd arranged something - which he knew about and had set the time etc - he's in a right old mood now we've got home, and not talking to me. The alternative is to stay in while he does his hobby, and then sleeps half the day.
I just wanted to spend a bit of the day with another family (all the kids are mates, and he knows and likes the parents) but we as usual had to do everything at breakneck speed to suit him, and he just looked grumpy the whole time.
It's rare for us to do things now because it always ends up like this.
And FB is full of pics of folk I know having BH fun.
Someone slap me for feeling miserable .....

[TendonQueen]

I think sconequeen's plan is the way to go. Plus ignoring what people put on FB, it's a very glossed up picture of what's probably been a mundane day.

Can I ask if you get angry with him about this unwillingness to do family stuff or about spending so much time on his hobby, and if so, how does he react?

[MadeMan]

"Plus ignoring what people put on FB, it's a very glossed up picture of what's probably been a mundane day. "

Yes I've seen people at regular parties just mooching about generally and then a camera comes out and everyone suddenly hams it up like The Fonz for the obvious Facebook pic, "Aaaay!"

[BabyGanoush]

Don't accept it.

Call him up on it, tell him it is not ok for him to give you the fucking silent treatment for trying to have some family time.

Tell him he is choosing his hobby over his family and it is NOT ok

Don't be accommodating! Make your own plans, see friends and just be honest ("DH? Yes, he is not here, he is anti-social again, let's not worry about him. I'm not.")

I was were you are 5 years ago, and we still edge back to that every now and then.

Sad maybe, but I told the kids not to count on him for weekends, and we did things without him. We even went to family do's from HIS side of the family (I like my ILs, I want my kids to spend time with them). I got the boys and myself a swim pass to an outdoor pool. We went out with friends.

We were definitely not waiting at home for him to change his mind.

We were out, we had fun, and he started to feel he was missing out.

I remember him coming back from a day out on his "hobby" thinking he'd come to a house with all of us waiting, a meal cooked.... oh no. We had gone out to a bbq at friends, did not even tell him about it (petty?) and came back to him feeling sorry for himself.

It was not a strategy for me to change him. I was detaching, basically figuring out if I could live without him. And I found I probably could, that I did not need him. I stopped asking him to spend les time on his hobby. I just did my own thing, and made sure the kids spent lots of time with their friends and family too.

The tables turned and he became very remorseful, told me he had been selfish, apologised for his selfish behaviour,

He quit his hobby. Thinsg changed, he started getting more involved, taking kids to some of their sports activities, started playing with them more, started coaching their teams. He desperately tried to make up for lost time.

Maybe it does not sound ideal to you, I can quite imagine it doesn't! But by having confidence in myself and my independence, the marriage could work again. I had to give up on him, for him to turn around. I am too proud to nag, or walk on eggshells I guess.

Not sure what I am rambling on about, just to tell you to take no shit and let him fester and do your own thing.

Don't pander to his moods!

[sconequeen]

I just keep hoping for strong family memories but so far they will be of him being in a mood. I'd rather not give the kids those memories but I keep trying to do SOMETHING we will all enjoy.

I have been there but decided that I did not want my DC remembering DH being in a bad mood and that, instead, I would create happy memories for them of them and me having nice times.

I agree with BabyGanoush that you have to take control of the situation. I'm not sure if my DH will ever realise that he is missing out but, to be honest, that is his problem not mine, and I definitely feel the better for not pandering to his bad behaviour.

Why not start making your own plans now for the next bank holiday?!

[Hussarsataparty]

Thanks all. I've got to find new ways, haven't i? I'm just sad He can't see what I can. Older kids are teens, amd will be gone soon enough. They have asked me what's wrong with dad, so they do know

[TendonQueen]

Even more important then that you take control of their time with you. As you wave them off into adult life, you want to be able to think of the happy times you had with them in the last few years, not all your attempts against the odds to get Mr Grumpy to join in. Plus you may then want to decide if waiting around for him to come home is what you want for your empty nest years.

[Hussarsataparty]

Very true. Am investigating courses to give myself something to do too. The world is out there.