Bored and lonely as usual on a bank hol

[Hussarsataparty]

DH never seems to want to do stuff as a family, and as I'd arranged something - which he knew about and had set the time etc - he's in a right old mood now we've got home, and not talking to me. The alternative is to stay in while he does his hobby, and then sleeps half the day.
I just wanted to spend a bit of the day with another family (all the kids are mates, and he knows and likes the parents) but we as usual had to do everything at breakneck speed to suit him, and he just looked grumpy the whole time.
It's rare for us to do things now because it always ends up like this.
And FB is full of pics of folk I know having BH fun.
Someone slap me for feeling miserable .....

[Hussarsataparty]

Very true. Am investigating courses to give myself something to do too. The world is out there.

[TendonQueen]

Even more important then that you take control of their time with you. As you wave them off into adult life, you want to be able to think of the happy times you had with them in the last few years, not all your attempts against the odds to get Mr Grumpy to join in. Plus you may then want to decide if waiting around for him to come home is what you want for your empty nest years.

[Hussarsataparty]

Thanks all. I've got to find new ways, haven't i? I'm just sad He can't see what I can. Older kids are teens, amd will be gone soon enough. They have asked me what's wrong with dad, so they do know

[sconequeen]

I just keep hoping for strong family memories but so far they will be of him being in a mood. I'd rather not give the kids those memories but I keep trying to do SOMETHING we will all enjoy.

I have been there but decided that I did not want my DC remembering DH being in a bad mood and that, instead, I would create happy memories for them of them and me having nice times.

I agree with BabyGanoush that you have to take control of the situation. I'm not sure if my DH will ever realise that he is missing out but, to be honest, that is his problem not mine, and I definitely feel the better for not pandering to his bad behaviour.

Why not start making your own plans now for the next bank holiday?!

[BabyGanoush]

Don't accept it.

Call him up on it, tell him it is not ok for him to give you the fucking silent treatment for trying to have some family time.

Tell him he is choosing his hobby over his family and it is NOT ok

Don't be accommodating! Make your own plans, see friends and just be honest ("DH? Yes, he is not here, he is anti-social again, let's not worry about him. I'm not.")

I was were you are 5 years ago, and we still edge back to that every now and then.

Sad maybe, but I told the kids not to count on him for weekends, and we did things without him. We even went to family do's from HIS side of the family (I like my ILs, I want my kids to spend time with them). I got the boys and myself a swim pass to an outdoor pool. We went out with friends.

We were definitely not waiting at home for him to change his mind.

We were out, we had fun, and he started to feel he was missing out.

I remember him coming back from a day out on his "hobby" thinking he'd come to a house with all of us waiting, a meal cooked.... oh no. We had gone out to a bbq at friends, did not even tell him about it (petty?) and came back to him feeling sorry for himself.

It was not a strategy for me to change him. I was detaching, basically figuring out if I could live without him. And I found I probably could, that I did not need him. I stopped asking him to spend les time on his hobby. I just did my own thing, and made sure the kids spent lots of time with their friends and family too.

The tables turned and he became very remorseful, told me he had been selfish, apologised for his selfish behaviour,

He quit his hobby. Thinsg changed, he started getting more involved, taking kids to some of their sports activities, started playing with them more, started coaching their teams. He desperately tried to make up for lost time.

Maybe it does not sound ideal to you, I can quite imagine it doesn't! But by having confidence in myself and my independence, the marriage could work again. I had to give up on him, for him to turn around. I am too proud to nag, or walk on eggshells I guess.

Not sure what I am rambling on about, just to tell you to take no shit and let him fester and do your own thing.

Don't pander to his moods!

[MadeMan]

"Plus ignoring what people put on FB, it's a very glossed up picture of what's probably been a mundane day. "

Yes I've seen people at regular parties just mooching about generally and then a camera comes out and everyone suddenly hams it up like The Fonz for the obvious Facebook pic, "Aaaay!"

[TendonQueen]

I think sconequeen's plan is the way to go. Plus ignoring what people put on FB, it's a very glossed up picture of what's probably been a mundane day.

Can I ask if you get angry with him about this unwillingness to do family stuff or about spending so much time on his hobby, and if so, how does he react?

[BeyonceRiRiMadonna]

Hi OP, the way I see it you have one of three choices:

1. Keep quiet, Keep the status quo and keep doing this same dance for the next X number of years which makes you miserable!
   
2. Invite him knowing full well he won't come and go off and enjoy your family time without him.
   
3. Don't invite him. Simply go out with your children and have fun (when he looks at pix in 20 years time, he'll then wonder why he isn't in any of the pix?)
   

Options 2 & 3 requires you to accept that he is the way he is and you let him be.

There is the 4th option, which is to LTB, but that's because I've been single forever and have zero tolerance for BS, so anyone who doesn't enhance my life in a positive meaningful way needs to be left on the shelf.

[newnamesamegame]

For what it's worth I kicked my H out a month ago and this was the single biggest factor.

All my weekends were like this. My H didn't even have a hobby, it was just the pub and TV. I just got to a point where I thought there was absolutely no point being with someone who resented spending time with me and our daughter.

Sorry you are going through this and sorry to be harsh but life is just too short.

[Baconontomato]

Men and hobbies can be perplexing. My ex was a cricketer. I see your cycling, and raise you cricket. Nets Thursday and early Friday, match ALL FUCKING DAY Saturday, Cup match ALL FUCKING DAY Sunday and Bank Holidays. Away games roll home God knows what time, pissed. Home games, slob about club house pissed, home for shit shower and shave, gobble down dinner, back out for Last Pint. "And a proper bird would do the cricket teas with the ladies."
It is no surprise that one year the ENTIRE first team was divorced.

[MotherFluffer]

there's a lot of miserable bastard men out there isn't there? my stepdad was one of them, I thought he was unusual :( I know the walking on eggshells and sucking up all the fun into the gloomvacuum thing well!

[Hussarsataparty]

Thanks scone - I know - I should really do this too. I just keep hoping for strong family memories but so far they will be of him being in a mood. I'd rather not give the kids those memories but I keep trying to do SOMETHING we will all enjoy. He's asleep now, snoring away next to me

[sconequeen]

I speak from (bitter) experience here. Some time ago, I made a conscious decision no longer to feed/reward bad behaviour (ie DH spoiling outings by visibly not wanting to be there, then acting in the huff afterwards) by pandering to it. (I suppose a more charitable way of putting it might be that I no longer try to change him into somebody he is not.)

Instead, I organise to do things with the DC myself. I tell DH what we are planning and that he is welcome to come with us. If he doesn't want to come with us, we go off ourselves and have a lovely time - as opposed to walking on eggshells because he is with us but grudging the time, money etc.

It is not ideal but the DC and I very much enjoy our outings. Given a choice of including DH and us all being miserable, or the DC and I doing our own thing and having a great time, there is really only one choice.

[chocolatedrops31]

My DH also doesn't like doing family trips out and partic not to see friends. I've tried to accept that this is who he is and I take the children on my own. Although I feel a bit miserable that he doesn't want to join in, I have a better time than when he's there and I constantly feel like he's not having a good time and wants to leave. I bet the kids could accept it if you could and then maybe he could compromise a bit more I.e spend more time as a family at home doing activities or couple time in the evenings. I'm trying (although it's hard) to accept DH for who he is and not try and fit him into my ideas of how he should be. Not saying you're doing that and I totally feel for you on the silent treatment..I find that unbearable

[Hussarsataparty]

I know - I always felt that he is an adult and shouldn't have to ask permission to do stuff, but it seems I've grown a bit of a monster because he does what he wants. Most of the time it's ok.

He's definitely getting more moodier the older he gets. Initially I was attracted to his level mood, which is in contrast to my family, where it was like looking out for land mines all the time. I just seem to lack strategies - have tried waiting it out, challenging him, waiting for the mood to be over - nothing seems effective so far. ??

[lastqueenofscotland]

Hussars I feel your pain!
What is it with men, done to let wives/partners/kids down but date mention having to say no to their bloody mates....

I'd sit down and say cyclingn is fine but every other week only, other week you have the kids and I'm going to do something I enjoy.
I have a hobby that I hardly ever let anything get in the way of and it's much easier once those boundaries are there IMO.

[MadeMan]

"MadeMan how did you guess?"

It just seems that every middle aged man I know now gets into cycling at the weekends, even after working all week; I blame the 2012 Olympics. I personally can't see the attraction in getting up at some bastard early hour to do a 50km bike run when I can have a lie in, a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea instead.

Each to their own I suppose.

[Hussarsataparty]

sunshine cycle trips are on average 50 miles with a group, and sometimes up to 85 miles, so no, DC can't join in. I'm glad he takes care of himself though.

[Hussarsataparty]

I hope the new plant flourishes! I go and look for new leaves on plants most days (or signs I've killed em!)

[Sunshine200]

Glad I'm not the only one too (but of course sorry for you at the same time). My dh seems to find any excuss not to spend time with us, if not his hobby then something that urgently needs doing in the house on a nice sunny Saturday when there has been lots of other opportunities! I know its not actually me, but the dc he doesn't want to spend time with - too selfish & lazy to make an effort! Ok, maybe I have exaggerated (or maybe not) but that's what it feels like.

Can your dh include your dc in his hobby?

[Stoneysilence]

Gah yes I just made the mistake of scrolling through my Facebook feed - everyone is having a wonderful time being polished and beautiful and happy in exotic locations (and Brighton). Highlight of my day was a new plant in the garden.

[Hussarsataparty]

lastqueen thanks for hug. DH still giving me silent treatment. I feel wobbly. Seems like a me a couple of us have been shelved by our beloveds today. You lovely MNers are giving me strength to accept I'm not alone.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Have a hug!! Know how you are feeling, working away for two weeks so thought it would be nice to do something today... He agreed discussed things to do etc... At 12 his best mate came round to watch the test cricket. I left at half 12 when train was at 5 as was going to completely crack and lose it otherwise. Only text I've got it telling me they won.
Livid!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Hussarsataparty]

MadeMan how did you guess? A full day on a normal weekend, plus several weekends away every year....not including a week too.
Not sure the kids would like to go out without him - they adore him, I do too most of the time.
But when he gets moody it's so difficult. I've tried lots of strategies over the years but nothing works when he's like this.
He even made a fuss about a FB pic I put up of him.... I took it down because he didn't like how he looked. Bah.

[pootlebug]

Why is the alternative to stay in while he does his hobby? Can you go out somewhere fun while he does his hobby - just you and the kids? It sounds like you might have a much more fun day than if he came along, tbh.