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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what would you do?

55 replies

2muskateers · 17/05/2015 20:27

Hi, I've got myself in a situation and wondered what others would do.... I'm 28 and have an 8 year old and we rent a house, I work and have a little help with rent. we have always lived on our own. I have a partner of nearly 4 years, who is 44 and rents his own flat about 15 miles away near his work, he has no children nor has he ever lived with anybody but won't move in with me! I can't stress how happy we are, he loves my daughter and vice versa, we have so many happy trips and holidays. he stays all weekend but likes to go back to his own space for the week. He has done this along time and when I say I want more he says I'd need a better job or a bigger house or he would need a closer job. All excuses because We have got in this stupid routine. I know he loves me and I trust him with my life but how long could you live like this??

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/05/2015 20:37

The question is : how long are you willing to live like this?

He is happy with things as they are. You are not. He's not budging. So: is this a deal breaker for you? Can you do this for the rest of your days? Because that's what being with this particular man will mean.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/05/2015 20:39

I agree with Goats. He seems to have an ideal situation from what I can tell. He can have the part time family life without all the stress at the moment. You seem to want more but it may never happen with him.

justjuanmorebeer · 17/05/2015 20:54

I wouldn't be happy with it. For what it is worth I am also a single parent, same age as you and my boyfriend is 42 so similar age gap. I don't think your issue is age related though it just sounds like he doesn't want to commit.

My bf was talking very confidently about the future quite soon in. We still don't live together but plan to from next summer if all still fine and dandy.

When was the last time you discussed this with your partner?

ImperialBlether · 17/05/2015 20:57

If a 44 year old doesn't want to live together in those ideal circumstances, then I don't think he'd ever live with someone.

FunkyPeacock · 17/05/2015 20:58

I quite like the sound of your set up - but I'm not you!

Do you want more purely because you feel that is what society etc expects or do you genuinely want to live together 100% of the time? Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker but if everything else if as good as you say it is then it would seem a shame to throw it away - unless of course there is more to it and there are other things about the arrangement that you aren't happy with?

Ragwort · 17/05/2015 21:06

Agree with Funky Grin.

After over 28 years of marriage I think I would quite like your sort of arrangement - being together for 'special' times, but peace and quiet when it suits me.

But only you can decide what you want - ask yourself why it is so important to live together - are you happy with your own company, and time to be just with your DD ? (and how would she feel if a man moved into her life - it's not just about you is it?).

There't a lot to be said for living independently - think very carefully about what you really want.

Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 21:36

I'm very scared of living together, as it's always been me and my daughter but think I'd take the step if he was more willing. We talk about marriage all the time and I make long distance wife jokes, the only serious time we discussed living together was when I fell pregnant, sadly I miscarried and it wasn't mentioned again.
I feel a little bit like a hotel sometimes, and can't plan things with friends as it's one or the other and I miss seeing him, it's not like I come home to him, he just won't come over. He isn't funny about it, but say's there is no point coming if I'm not here. It's nice to have some other perspective and get it all out in one go. Thanks guys xx

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 21:46

If he's 44 years old and says he likes his own space then believe him!

There must be some reason why he's never got married or lived with anyone before!

newnamesamegame · 17/05/2015 21:50

I'm with funky -- for me this would be perfect. I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with people not wanting to more inevitably towards living together if living apart works, which it sounds as if it does. Having just come out of a marriage which foundered in large part because we struggled to live together I think a set-up where you have your independence but come together for the good bits has a lot to be said for it.

But ultimately its what you want that counts. If its that much of a dealbreaker for you then you have to let him know how you feel and see how he reacts.

Littlemonstersrule · 17/05/2015 21:58

It sounds a great set up for your daughter, lots simply don't settle with a new step parent.

He is being very honest, only you can decide if you want to end things as you want more.

TheEggityOddity · 17/05/2015 21:59

He is using you for what he wants. If it worked for you, fine. It sounds like it doesn't so I would start looking for someone else.

TheEggityOddity · 17/05/2015 22:03

I do agree about you daughter though. It probably is a great set up for her.

Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 22:06

I don't want to end it I just wonder if it's going anywhere if it stays like this. But if it's not broken don't fix it hey!!
Love the advice!! sometimes you just need to write it down to see it's just not that bad Grin

OP posts:
TheEggityOddity · 17/05/2015 22:10

I guess we all imagine this fairytale relationship with a man you meet in your 20s who is also in their 20s, you get married and have 2.4 children. But honestly if you are content and happy, if your DD is happy and it is working for him (and frankly why wouldn't it?) then maybe it is best to be at peace with the situation. Are you happy and content is the only relevant question?

Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 22:22

I'm happy until I realise I'm a single working mum trying to support another adult every weekend and he says the petrol bill balances it out. that sounds harsh and we do discuss it but it's going round in circles.
I don't agree he is using me, just set in his ways and maybe scared of what if it goes wrong.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 17/05/2015 22:26

Oooo different entirely then. Sounds
More
Lile
Cocklodging. No thats unacceptable unless he is taking you out for meals etc.

Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 22:40

Haha cocklodge!! I may have to ask him if that's what he is doing ??

OP posts:
Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 22:41
Wink
OP posts:
TheEggityOddity · 17/05/2015 22:41

So a middle aged man is staying each weekend at his 20 odd year old girlfriend's house, assumedly getting his weekly dose of sex, playing happy part time families with her child, not providing a penny to bills or food (or entertainment?) and in the week going back to his bachelor pad which is closer to work. But this is not using? It sounds like it works really well for him, but for you you feel like each weekend you are supporting another adult. That's not great is it? What would happen if you said the current arrangement of part time husband isn't really working for you? Would he end it? If someone is serious about the relationship they would see that after four years they either need to throw their hat in the ring or bow out. Most people wouldn't be happy with that set up at your age so it is ok if you are not happy you know. It's hard to tell over the Internet how you are really feeling overall.

Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 22:47

I can't work out if I'm happy with it myself and I know how bad it sounds! Then I think we are happy most of the time, and that's what matters!?

OP posts:
Original poster
2muskateers · 17/05/2015 22:49

Bachelor pad, it's more like digs. He doesn't even do a food shop. His mum is alone and close by to him so maybe that's a big factor, not that he would admit it.

OP posts:
blizzardcat · 17/05/2015 23:06

It is very unfair if he is not paying for food he eats at yours (or making up for it by taking you out) his petrol money does not benefit you in any way. Are you supposed to be so grateful he is coming to see you that you provide for him at weekends?!

And his comment that you would need a better job if you lived together... Why would you? He is selfish and tight by the sounds of it.

I wouldn't be ok with this relationship. Would seem unfair to me and would make me feel used

CalleighDoodle · 17/05/2015 23:08

He sounds lile he isnt paying for food at all? He doeant sound like hisband material.

Lweji · 17/05/2015 23:19

He doesn't pay for food and doesn't even offer to stay at yours and babysit your DD while you go out with friends?

What a catch.

Iflyaway · 17/05/2015 23:20

A 44-year-old who's never done a food shop??

You are already paying for him to stay at yours every weekend.

Why on earth would you want to make it 24/7?

You know, I'm a LP and no way would I subsidise a man when that money could be going into a savings account for DC. Or a buffer account for when the washing machine etc. breaks down. Hell, even a holiday!